i wish to become one
with the deepest and bluest sea
i want it to carry me away
to the lands that exist only
in my troubled mind
i would cease to suppress
my unspoken fantasies
and live in harmony
in this realm of the
non existent

my skull and bones remember my crush
when I pushed the nails through my tongue
and told me to "wait for it
wait for it
wait for my love
because I don't know how to feel without cuts."

I haven't talked since
and my bones are still shattered
and only my own life can save itself, I know
I am trying.
I'm trying to balance love and hate
but I can only remember the slicing of my flesh
when hate licked up my chest and bit through my lips
my hair is tangled and covering my sight
the only escape is through my own mind.

I am trying and hiding
and hiding
and hiding
and ripping my bed sheets apart
so I can suffocate in them
but I never let me because
life is beautiful
and I can be beautiful,
but my spilled blood is not.

I can no longer hear the smooth notes of jazz,
how the saxophone, trumpet, and piano
worked together in harmony when we didn't.

I can no longer find shelter in the soft chords,
for the safety I once felt in your presence
has been compromised once again.

They call jazz a dying art, which,
I guess, is what we became.

I thought it would get easier as time passes
but every time your name leaves my mouth
I feel all the oxygen in my body leave with it
depleting my energy
ripping my throat to shreds as it makes its way

Your name --
It used to sound delicious on my lips
leaving me breathless
Now it's a different kind of breathless.
The kind that suffocates me
and laughs as I begin to choke.

I used to think it brilliant that you saw colours
when you heard my voice.
Now I wonder if the only colour you'd see is
that of darkness and hatred

                                     *-lf-