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It still hurts every day
But I'm trying not to think about it
Why do I still feel lonely
In between the people I lie with
I keep my mind numb
Because every time I have a minute
to myself
I think of you

And now I have panic attacks
It's you trying to get through to me
I can't escape the suffocation
I was never taught how to deal
As I wake In the depressive morning array, I wish I never pushed you away. It's my fault. I take the blame, but I wish I could go back and start again.
im in between. in between loving and hating you cause how can i hate you. but then again this vessel is out of sympathy. im in between. in between screaming and keeping dead silent, trying to decide which might hit harder. cause im in between. in between trying to hate you and push you out of my life, and keeping you close cause i dont want to lose you and the only thing worse than pushing you away is seeing you stop trying to pull me back. im in between, in between wanting to be a good person cause when all is dead and gone i have my soul left to be proud of. but then again this old soul has gotten me nowhere and given me no good. im in between wanting to be stupid and blissful and naive about life like you. but i'd rather have my eyes too wide open then sleep in ignorance at night. im in between loving and completely hating myself for changing because im weak and sometimes i think i deserve to be and i need to stop beating myself up about it but why, why couldnt i just stay the same and confident in my actions because it was the right thing to do. why am i so **** in between why cant i be on one side of the spectrum for once. the right side.  maybe then someone will notice that i am stuck in between my own realities and idealistic fantasies that are turning to dust and falling through my fingers a little more everyday.
one of those nonsense verbal diarrhea rants
i am not insignificant
i am worth it
i am not stupid
i am not blind
i am not ugly and unwanted
my efforts were not for nothing
my pain is justified
my feelings are real
i am not over-exaggerating
i am not taking it too far
i am not selfish
i am not attention seeking
i am not alone
i am not useless
i am not a bad person
i am just a little br
                                     oke
                                            n.
everything i have to think through every single day, like a checklist of things to disallow myself from thinking and feeling cause i dont want to be baggage, i dont want to be a drama queen. but i have had it and i am tired of trying to justify my feelings to myself and everyone else i just want to be sad and needy.
You are an oxymoron;
happy and sad,
bittersweet,
a fine mess,
and clearly misunderstood.

Being with you
is sweet torture
that leaves me
wanting more.
its been a while
 Jan 2015 Bella Anima
Sarah
your hand slithers around my thigh
I swat at you, With a sigh.

but how I wish I never did
because I am longing for that touch
that sensation you gave me
lay me down again
pull me close
whisper secrets In my ear
now lower, lower
you come back up

see the thing is I want this from you
not just anyone
I want you to touch me in ways
where ill have poems slipping from my tongue to yours
and you'll recite them as we intertwine

you'll recite these poems on every inch of my body
leaving marks that you have been there and you have told them
"where ill have poems slipping from my tongue to yours
and you'll recite them as we intertwine"
I thought this was the perfect line
 Jan 2015 Bella Anima
EJ Aghassi
don't bother, just break down
make it easy on yourself

flow into nothing
become nothing
identify with none
long for no one

it won't do you any good

in no immense amount of time
i've reappeared at the farthest
point from the finish line

the sky is cloudier than before

the wind that was once at my back
now stings my face without pity

the universe is without remorse
there is no room for that in what
is, what truly is and all that isn't

you will love just to lose
you're either doing one or the other
your friends are there to remind
you of what you can't do
of who you're doomed to become
or more realistically, fall
short of even remotely becoming

you learn to see it as a sadistic blessing
but it becomes complicated when
you crave that pain, when you need it

you attach to what
you know you must denounce

& the sting of exposed humanity
when realized it's all for naught

is a wonderful thing

embrace insignificance, for it's where you really stand
embrace solitude, you're doomed to it by sun and moon
embrace loss, it is more natural than the need to breathe

they are all wonderful things

and like all wonderful things

they do not exist

& i long to feel so wonderful
thank you so much, brother
 Jan 2015 Bella Anima
WickedHope
...save everyone," they said.

                                                                    They were right,
                                                                          I died trying.
Much as I loved you
Much is left to love
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