i'd **** myself

not suicide, no, even that isn't enough
for all that i've done.

no, i'd rip myself
limb from limb
tear the muscles
that bind my long slender legs
let metal and body meet
shatter the bones that cross
inside my scarred arms
i'd tear out my ugly heart
douse it in kerosene
watch it burn and melt
bubble and turn black
i'd take the stomach
sunken deep inside
cut it lovingly apart
and feed it to the devil
i'd take razor to skin
dig out my empty eyes
shave off my pretty lips
mutilate my lovely face
til the only thing left
is pink and white
burns and scars
like the ones inside

i feel like a name
is so essential
in society
it's so simple
just one word
to identify an entire
personality

i have a name
it's out there somewhere
i just haven't heard it
yet

sometimes they go quiet
sometimes, for just long enough
just for a little peace
a little hope
that maybe, just maybe
you aren't going crazy
but it isn't true
they never
never stop

alone before
was quiet
and sad, yes,
but mostly just
me.
alone was just me, by myself
alone.

alone after
is deafening
not just alone
but the absence
of everything
or anything
alone after
is loss

when i die
dont put me in a dress
dont make me look alive
dont clean my skin
dont put concealer on my scars
dont close my eyes

bury me with tears staining my cheeks
burn me with my lips bruised
with my skin ***** and my knees scraped
let me die the way i lived
i will not rest in peace
let me rest in chaos

is it too late in the game
to try and change?
too close to the end
to start again?

if i changed now, became the person i wish i was
accepted myself and said **** it to my parents
to anyone, everyone who said i was wrong
could i change forever?

i feel like my happiness
isn't worth the struggle anymore
to lose so much, just for what?
peace of mind? comfort?

i feel like the weight, the attention
to who i am, what i want
would be too much

because when i get what i want
i don't want it anymore
when i write
my words aren't pretty
i don't speak in symbols
or talk about the moon and sun and stars
im dying
without love or beauty inside me

****
fuckfuckfuck

you know
six years ago
i was a freak
a ******

but then you got ****** up too
and now i can be cool

**** that
you made me what i am
i wont change for you

when i die
im dying a freak
a ******

a dead loser
with your heart

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE WRONG?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?
I KNOW YOU'RE STRUGGLING
AND I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T/CAN'T HELP YOU
BUT I'M ******* STRUGGLING TOO
I'M ******* EXHAUSTED.
YOU CAN BE MAD AT ME
HATE ME FOR ALL ETERNITY
I DON'T ******* CARE ANYMORE
NONE OF YOU CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOUR **** SELF
IM NOT ASKING YOU TO DIE FOR ME
I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE
FOR JUST A MOMENT
I WANT TO LET GO

could you at least TRY to see how ******* lonely i am? how isolated i've become? how ******* close i am to having nothing left?

I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE
I JUST WANT A FRIEND.

i remember nights of running through the grass
catching the moths that fluttered around the dim street lights
blowing dandelion fluff into the dark sky

the sound of bare feet on endless black rivers of asphalt
the hum of late night drivers on the highway just a few fences over
hushed laughter echoing back from the empty night

i remember when we were kids
when math was easy and our hearts were free
unburdened by love or lust

i remember being cheerful and sad
but never both at once, i remember being simple
when everyone said what they meant

when i went on cute little dates with pretty girls
hold her hand and buy her a soda, going nowhere, but having fun
drop her off under the porch light and kiss her cheek

i remember sleepovers and secrets
whispers through the dark, when friends were just friends
when joining the circus was just a dream

before addictions and *** and heartbreak
i remember the humble, effortless, quiet nights
saying goodnight on good nights

maybe i could stand
to look outside of myself
for moment too

in case you forgot
i am a person
and i have a whole life
outside the hour a day you see me.

i exist as more than a ****** love story
i was a person before i loved you
and im still one now that i dont

im sorry, but i dont have time to deal with it
im cool with hanging out, talking, whatever
but the little bubble you've formed
it doesn't have room for me
and i don't have room for it