to some
jealousy is just anger
maybe even rage

but for me, oh no,
jealousy brings me blindly to my knees.
jealousy leaves me bleeding out in the dirt.

jealousy makes my vision blur
and my stomach lurch
and my lungs squeeze
and my chest burn

for me
jealousy hurts
(in a very real, physical way)
leaving me light-headed and ill
all morning long

it is so hard to know what you want,
what you're trying to say.
you're like a little bug with wings
that won't quit bumping into my eyes
and buzzing in my ear.
but a cute bug
one that reminds me of the ocean and summer camp and being in love.
i would put you a a mason jar
with holes in the top,
so you can breathe. (duh)
and i would take you to my favorite fields
and alleys and stores.
show you all the things that make me happy
and try to make you happy too.

but i dont think
you would like being in a jar.
even one with holes in the top.

first, darkness
                            then, little spinning, dizzying lights

       twinkling, little pinpoints of white
                                                           ­       like memories


then the sounds
                               the fuzzy blurry noise
                                                           ­             faded words, echoes

         love,
              memories,
                            stars,
­                                              i am blind.

everything hurts these days
pressing on my heavy, aching chest
the whole world is spiraling
making me dizzy and sick
never a moment of peace
im tired.
god, im always so ******* tired
everything feels heavy
it is exhausting

this is how i feel every day
every ******* day
for as long as i can remember
every ******* day
dragging myself through my own life
not caring about anything

i just want one day
one day that i dont feel like ****
one day that doesnt make my lungs tight
one day that doesnt make my broken heart burn
one day that doesnt fall apart and slip away
like sand through my fingers

im just so ******* tired
of everything
of struggling to keep people in my life
of constantly anticipating the next awful thing
of trying to hope and being crushed
over and over and over

i get you're going through something
and i will be here for you the whole time
but you have to make it out of this alive
because i cant do it without you