October
Body's cold,
And I'm shaking.
A year clean of cutting
Is a beautiful thing.
But when it comes to the rest of the world
Has it just stopped spinning?
I am lost, with no direction.
November
I find myself grasping at straws.
I revisit the practice of purging
And I do it well.
Not only do I make myself *****
But I starve myself too.
Only, they don't know
I've been using it to my advantage
For years.
December
A teacher discovers my eating disorder
So what can I do but confess?
It has been my lifeline
But I will not lie for it
At least, not yet.
But that doesn't mean I'll stop.
My mental state weakens
And I see the slits of light through my shade.
That's all I can get
Since the dreaded events of this past September.
January
The bitter cold sends a shock through my skin
The sky is some muted shade of grey
The air is icy like my soul.
I try to push past it,
Try to let the sun reach me
But it won't
It can't.
Does this month ever end?
February
Still as hostile as its predecessor
But three days shorter.
I look through the crack of my window
Trying to embrace the light.
I get so bored so easily
As winter rages on.
How can I get through this sleet storm?
Pieces of hail, like little bullets, pierce my skin
I want to run for shelter
To the one thing that smells familiar.
A knife, a finger in my throat,
But I hold on just a little bit longer.
The only relief I allow myself
Is a drag from a cigarette
But it is still too cold for that.
March
The dead begins to find its life
Small specks of green begin to show themselves.
The air begins to rise
And I can go outside again.
But for the first fifteen days
The temperature is less than inviting.
March is also a marker.
It's been six months since God gained an angel
Six months since my body was violated again
Six months since that brutal September
That broken, sickly month
That changed my life.
April
Oh, how I love you
But I could do without your rainy days.
Even though things are looking up
I am looking down a sewage drain
Or over the edge of a balcony
Will I fall off?
Will I jump?
Will I be pushed too far?
No one can say for sure.
May
I always thought this was the perfect time of year
If I ever have children
I hope at least one of them is born during this month.
School's almost out
Senior year is on the horizon
College* is just over the mountain.
Yet my fear for the future prevails.
While my anticipation to get out of here is extreme,
I wish I could know
Who I will become
And if this ailment will leave my spirit alone.
June
Insanity plagues the dainty first month of summer
Whether it be
Finals, graduation parties, or day trips
The insanity in my mind is always unrelenting.
July
The blistering heat
Keeps me mostly indoors
Between work and vacation
I barely have time to breathe in
The suffocating density
Of the nearing 100 degree summer air.
Yet, there is still no one around
No one who's there for me
Who the hell cares?
It's summer
Which gives them a new excuse
To forget about my existence.
August
The birthday blues catch me by the throat
Everyone's gone
And I'm another year older
Big deal.
I smile
Thank them for my presents
Pray to get what I really want:
My license.
Freedom.
A car that I will purchase
After almost two years of working the same
Minimum wage job.
Only time will tell.
But there is nothing special about this birthday.
Multi-colored candles replace my cigarettes
At least they won't give me cancer.
September
School's in session.
But more importantly
It's the anniversary
Of a friend's death
And that vicious attack.
So how do I feel?
How do I cope?
How do I deal?
Honestly, I battle the pain.
Honestly, my memories of both are my only connection.
Honestly, I feel okay.