When I
Am in a manic
State
I cannot
Form complete
Thoughts
And usually forget things
That

I feel
Extremely alive
But also dead
Completely immune
To
Pain
And
Defeat
And

My mother
Says to take
My
Medication
But
It doesn't help
Me

Food is useless
It doesn't...
Stay...
Down.

I can't
Go outside
Without screaming
And
And
And
What was I saying?

I am afraid
That if
I step
Incorrectly
The pavement will shatter and so will my foot and I will be unable to

Father mother sister brother
Help me

Anxiety is not
Only sweaty palms and racing thoughts

It's thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and oh my god I need to stop but I can't because if I do what if my world stops too?

Anxiety is not
Finishing things
Because there are things and things and things and things and
That need to be done and you can't just stop at one.

Anxiety is depression's friend
The friend that springs you out of bed fifteen minutes before your alarm, wrenching you from depression's arms and shattering your sadness.
But upon impact with the floor,
Your feet are cemented down and your goals are just out of reach because god you have the will power and you swear you're trying but why can't you be perfect and perfect and perfect and perfect.

Anxiety is the feeling
That pushes and pushes and pushes and pushes and pushes
Until it pushes you over the cliff
And you land amongst the lives anxiety has claimed that litter the bottom of the canyon that surrounds you and stops you from achieving what you wanted because god forbid you're actually trying.

Poem a day, day 4*

Falling is just like flying
Until you hit the ground.
Hit rock bottom.
Maybe that's why they call it falling in love.

Feels like flying
Or a bit like dying.
Stomach in your throat
At the sudden drop.

Exiting and scary
Where is this going
Am I soaring
Or am I crashing?

Spinning around.
Which way's up,
Which way's down?
Don't let me hit the ground.

In his arms,
Is he my superman?
Will he catch me as I fall
And keep me from harm?

It's out of my control now
I fell without warning.
Surrender to the trip, wow
Sensations overwhelm me.

today,
I awoke
as if we were
still the past.
constantly, and
ineffectually
hounding after
the future.
only to be forever
preserved in the present.
we are the
exact moment
when you have forgotten
a fading dream.
an entire world,
lost in your sleep.

from time to time, I still think of you.

how we used to get by...

how I fell beneath one-thousand shades;
sunrise orange, and dainty red.            
learning we were both
capable of the          
                         tilt,
                               turn,
                                       twist,
                                                 and
                                                             ­    verge.                           

I used to thank you
for spending the nights
in the living-room.
Instead of his room.

You would say,
"I like falling asleep with you,
but waking up next to him."

Yes, the bitterness is
mostly gone.
                                                           ­    
                                                            ­        
I still think of you
every now and then