sometimes
i catch myself
looking over at you
just
laughing,
eating,
or working,
and i catch myself
feeling completely immersed
in a feeling of joy
...
but then
sometimes
i look over at you
and you're
staring at the ground,
or staring off into space,
or just staring into nothing,
and because i know
that thats what you do
when you feel nothing at all
i catch myself
feeling the need
to do anything
to make you feel something
...
and then
after all the staring is done
and you are
perfectly balanced
on the spectrum of emotion
i catch myself thinking

why aren't you ever looking over at me?


― j.r.

Like rippling water distorts a reflection,
the mirror reshapes my
stomach,
thighs,
arms.

Buttons unlatch from their holsters,
The zipper loosens its grip,
Exposed are the  things I despise.

Pinching, pulling, pushing.
Nothing changes, all still there.

Not so much a distorted body,
More so a distorted mind.

I want to be the cold
tracing your body
shaking your bones

I want to be the warmth
kissing your skin
leaving trails of want

I want to be a thought
filling your mind
touching your heart

I kissed you
and tasted alcohol
staining your lips

I didn't find this wrong
Or unusual
Or concerning

All I could think about
Was how I wanted to become
Something you were addicted to

I wanted to drip past your tongue
Pour down your throat
Bitter but enjoyed

Turn to me when you need comfort
Let me haze your mind to take away all pain
Blur your vision so you don't see what you don't want to

I can be your new intoxication.

your cigarette smoke
floats into my lungs
and out chokes
everything i meant to tell you
hours ago
when things could get better

but now your cigarette smoke
took a year off of my life
and a chunk of my heart
as i suffocate
under your presence

Fill my cup
     with your scent
   Let me drown
           in your essence
               I'm dying
           of thirst
And you're the only
      sustenance
On which
      I can thrive
   And finally
        *Feel alive