Fat
A word created by the devil to make others feel ugly
Ugly
A word created by the devil to lower self esteem

Our society lets the devil rule it by creating anorexic models
Wearing caked on make up
Telling little girls they need to look like Barbie
That make up will solve all your problems
The biggest lie the devil ever told was convincing girls they look better with make up on

Society tells girls there ugly unless they have the perfect waist
The biggest *****
The best butts
Why so magazines will sell
Why because men only want anorexic fake barbies for wives

Well it's just a bunch of lies by the devil
Believed by the little girls who want barbies
Believed by the girl that u call fat and ugly
The girl u make fun of for her pimples

So they turn to the devil and listen to him and starve themselves for guys who will never care
Cake their face with make up so u will call them pretty one day

But it's all just a bunch of lies
God makes no mistakes
Your beautiful just the way you are

"Good morning Mattie! How'd you sleep?"
"Oh, I slept wonderfully!
I fell asleep quickly and didn't work until morning."
"Any cool dreams?"
"Oh no, you know I don't remember my dreams."

I laid on my back for an eternity,
While my mind bled uncontrollably,
Painful thoughts flowing.
They won't leave me.
LEAVE ME BE!
It takes hours for me to fall asleep
And when I finally do,
I wake every half hour because...
Well I don't know why.
Maybe because my brain is too lonely.
I guess he needs someone to keep him company.
So he wakes me, begging to help him think.

Of course I have dreams!
I just lie so you won't ask.
My own dreams sicken me.
It's the only time I lose control.
I am a monster in my sleep.

"How are you?"
"I'm great!
How are you?"

I almost killed myself today!
Why can't I go back to first grade,
Where the hardest choices were choosing
Which game I should play,
Or how to convince my mom to let me
Wear my favorite jeans,
Instead of those silly looking corduroy?
Does my Darth Vader action figure win today,
Or is he defeated by my batman toy?
Do I climb the tree from this branch,
Or that side?
Oh none of that matters anyway.
Because if I don't find the answer,
I'll just be the incredible Hulk
On my trampoline and dodge
The sprinkler's water bullets.

I guess the hard things in life change.
My decisions were a little different today.
Do I slit my throat and watch it bleed,
Or pop the pills to set myself free?
Or maybe I shouldn't end today,
I could just use the razor blade,
And wear my heart on my sleeve.
Or no, my scars on my sleeves.
Or no.. My heart on my wrists?
I DON'T KNOW!

So maybe I'm not so great.
I don't know if I'm depressed.
I think I'm just lost.
I'm happy when I'm with people.
But when I'm alone,
I think a little too much.
I get sad often.
Okay so maybe I am a little depressed,
Maybe a tiny little bit.
I'd just hate to admit it.

When I was little,
I would get annoyed with emo kids.
I was convinced depression was fake.
It was a mind game.
"If you want to be happy,
Just be happy."
I'd say.
"Depression happens because
You want to be sad"
Well I sure don't want to be sad!
Or maybe I do.
It gives me something to write about.
No, I definitely don't want to be depressed!

When I lay in my bed,
I ponder for hours how many times
I lied today.
I didn't lie.
Why would I?
Well maybe I lied once or twice.
But that's just because I didn't want them to know,
It was a bad day.
But then I can't help but wonder
If something else I said was a lie.
What is the truth?
I get so confused.

Maybe it's because I've had my fair share of memory loss,
Or maybe I've lied so much that I've forgotten the truth.

I really don't think it's the second option,
But I can't help but wonder.

I wish we didn't lie so much.
I wish we could tell the truth,
Even when it hurt.
I dream of a world where our pains,
Are not contained within.
But one that we could walk without chains,
Free of our masks.
Why must we lie?

I'm going to have the best life
In the whole wide world.
I am going to be so so so happy.
I want to grow up so badly.

The words of a different boy,
What happened to me?

My mind was in the clouds.
My heart was in the skies.
My soul, never slowing down.

I ran forward.
I was so distracted looking up,
I didn't realize there was no longer
Ground beneath my feet.
With one final step,
Joy,
Ambition,
Hope,
They plummeted off the cliff.
As that last bit of ground disappeared,
My happiness was replaced with fear.

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish.

"Let's play a game,
It's a secret game,
Just you and me,
Promise not to tell anybody.

Take off your pants,
Don't you trust me?
We're family."

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish,
She stole my innocence.

Sorry Matt,
He's gone.

How is a little kid supposed to accept death like that?
I never knew this type of pain.
The lack of knowledge was replaced with a lack of sleep.
Don't close your eyes,
You'll just see his face.

The last gift he gave me was a knife.
I don't want to live without him.
I don't want to live today.
Maybe I'll see him if I use this blade.
His death first, mine next.
Let's introduce steel to my chest.

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish,
She gave me his death and asked for mine.

Your condition is severe.
According to the scans,
Your brain's due date is near.
You're gonna die unless we operate.

I'll be fine,
This is just a step in my life.
It's just a phase,
I'll be healthy in a matter of days.

But on the inside I questioned my life.
What if I die today,
What if I die tonight?
Confidence flickers like candlelight.
The candle caught fire and it all began to burn.
My memories turned to ash,
And confidence flew with the wind.

I can't remember anything,
I can't remember me.
I have a name,
I have stories.
But I've lost the ability to see.

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish,
She let me taste death and took my security.

"Can you take your brother to school?
I don't feel good this morning."
Six months later,
She's still in bed,
Still doesn't feel good,
Will she get better?
Will this ever end?

Tears staining the hospital floor,
How can so much pain come from a place of healing?

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish,
She tried to take my mom from me.

Five in the morning,
Another one gone.
I thought I had become numb,
But relapse came with the storm.
I can't take much more.

Her life traded for endless pain.
I'll never be alone,
When I have this loneliness to keep me company.
How many more must you take?
How many scars must you create?

I wanted to grow up so badly.
Life granted my wish,
She killed my best friend.

I have no where else to go,
There's no place for me.
Growing seems to be in reverse,
I'm dying slowly.

I wanted to grow up so badly.
But I never wanted God to abandon me,
I never wanted life to destroy me.
If this is what growing up is like,
I don't ever want to grow up again.

The mirror was cut,
Wrists were shattered,
This heart is sobbing,
These tears must be broken.

This town sits quiet,
As the destructions falls silent,
Where these stories were once spoken,

Stories that have long past
Still seem so real,
They’ll never stop happening,
Darkness will never let him be.

Everyone’s telling him what to do,
He doesn’t remember how to feel,
It’s all very fragile,
His thoughts are vast as the sea.

Flowing thoughts,
Crashing waves,
How will I ever escape,
Will I never be free?

They tell you no,
You’re trapped forever,
But I say no,
I say run away with me.

Let’s run,
Leave this place,
Leave these feelings,
I’ve got you and nothing else.

You’re wrong,
We have the world,
Right in the palm of our hand.

We don’t need the world,
All we need is us,
Say goodbye,
It’s time to leave this land.

Whispering farewell
To the memories
We’re leaving behind,
Good and bad times,
Old adventures,
Thinking of new ones
As we leave this reality.

Your lips, so bittersweet,
The last thing I’ll ever taste,
Kiss the world goodnight,
As I kiss you one last time.

I’m afraid of letting go,
But I know if I’m with you,
This dreamland won’t be so scary,
It’ll be just one last tree to climb,
As we stand at this height,
I contemplate our lives,
From when we were kids,
To today, on this bridge.

Let’s run,
Leave this place,
Leave these feelings,
I’ve got you and nothing else.

I've always wondered what love would be like.
There were a few times, I decided I'd try.
But each time, she showed she didn't love me,
She loved who she wanted me to be.
I just want a girl to love me for me.
I don't want to be put in her box
And made to be what she sees.
I want her to see me.
I wonder what it'll be like, *to be loved.

Reciting bible verses empty as my soul
Pulpit preaching lacking evidence
Words without action
Love abandoned

I want a dad not a ******* preacher.

I like the sound
Of glass hitting the floor.
The sound of the broken vase
As I carelessly throw it out the door.

Because it reminds me…
It reminds me that I’m not the only
Broken thing in this world.
It reminds me that
Just because I’m shattered,
I’m not alone.

It gives me hope.

Where I find true hope,
Is in the potter.
The vase I threw out the door,
It had to have been made
By someone right?
And that someone must have cared.

They put their time,
Their sweat,
Maybe even their blood,
Into creating it.
But the greatest thing,
They put their love into making it.

It was a piece of dirt,
Or more accurately a lump of clay.
But the potter,
He saw so much more.
He saw beauty,
When all else saw dirt.
So he molded it,
Into something of worth.

He crafted this lump of clay,
Into a beautiful work of art.
Simply because he loved it,
With ALL of his heart.

I destroyed what was created,
But can it not be fixed?
If dirt can become beauty,
Can broken beauty be repaired?

If I return the shattered vase
To the creator,
Will he care?
He could fix it.
So cannot my creator
Pull me out of my despair?

I like the sound,
Of Glass hitting the floor,
Because it reminds me,
That even if I’m completely shattered,
I can be healed.
It reminds me that
My brokenness isn’t life.
It reminds me that
There is so much more
Than the broken glass on my floor.

This morning I told myself,
I will write a poem today,
But I ended up just hanging out,
With my friend named procrastinate.

8:30am
I was awakened,
Rolled over and saw my notes,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

10:00am
Lounging around,
It’s my lazy day,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

11:30am
Just finished showering,
Poetic thoughts ran through my mind,
While the water ran through my hair,
But now that I’m out,
I’m busy,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

12:30pm
My dad made me listen,
To a sermon with him,
I almost wanted to write a poem,
But I was preoccupied with Dr. Thompson,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

1:45pm
Money feels good in my hands,
But first I gotta do all this addition,
Time cards ****,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

3:00pm
I haven’t eaten anything today,
I’m starving,
Maybe because my refrigerator is empty,
I haven’t gone shopping in four weeks,
I should pay the grocery store a visit,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

5:45pm
Tacos sound good,
I have no clue how to make them,
But I guess I’ll give it a shot,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

6:45pm
Dang, that tasted awesome,
I should probably make something
Gross so I don’t let these cooking skills
Get to my head,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

7:00pm
It feels so good to sit down,
My new favorite show, Falling skies,
Is awaiting me on amazon prime,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

11:00pm
Four episodes in,
I’m officially addicted,
But I’ll let my brother use the TV now,
While I pass out on the couch,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

11:15pm
Crap…
I was gonna write a poem today,
What the heck am I supposed to write about?
Nothing serious is on my mind,
Depression, abuse, peace and war?
The only peace I’m thinking about is sleep,
Poetry?
Nah, not yet.

11:17pm
I guess I’ll let my eyes open,
It might be time to write a poem,
Not sure what to write about,
I could write about writing a poem or whatever,
Poetry,
Yeah, maybe now.

11:30pm
I’m done,
Here’s your fricken poem, Matthew,
Can I go to bed now?

You were lying on my arm,
And staring into my eyes,
Laughing from my stupid jokes,
Giggling while you were tickling me,
It was then, I knew I needed you,
I absolutely loved you,
I wish my dreams were true.