I'm layin awake in bed
I want you out of my head
I wish I got out of bed
I wish I got out of bed.

I'm thinking about everything I know
watching you sleep next to me
wishing that I had said no
so all this weight and worry and fear didn't have to be
so I could stop being scared of how I look
put on my glasses and finally see

I want you out of my head
I want to stop checking my phone
I wish I never got in your bed
if anything now I feel more alone

I'm sick of looking in the mirror
                                             terror
counting calories
jealous of all your memories
wishing I could be your masterpiece
framed on a white wall in your favorite gallery

mannequin pale
face just as blank
trying to be what you want
I don't want to lose you
knowing I need to lose you
fixated
paranoid
finicky
and unsure
now I'm laying awake in bed

I want you out of my head

I wish I got out of bed

I wish I got out of bed.

I
cannot sing
hardly speak
but my fingers
can press the keys
can pluck the strings
I
cannot sing you a love song
but I
can write a tune
so long
so dark
so deep
it'll make you close your eyes
make up your own lyrics
and you won't need to hear my voice
to know exactly how I feel

How dare I
how dare I
do such a horrendous thing
how dare I
how dare I
do something I can't take back
well here I go
saying no more
            no more
my body my temple
my mind my palace
my soul... my ******* soul.
how dare I
fall so easily
how dare I
maltreat myself so
how dare I
let myself feel so miserable
how dare I
eat bad food
how dare I
lose all control
never again
no not again
I keep telling myself
next time I'll say no
but this time the hurt is too much
the need is too great
how dare I do these things
so no more
     no more
I'm going to make a promise
pray for me that I keep it
how dare I let myself hurt so
so no more
please, to yourself, say no more too
if you, like me,
have dared to inflict horror
have dared to give up your body
have dared to give everyone a try at your heart
make it like putty
drop it get it *****
how dare I tarnish my soul
so no more
    no more
here I go
taking a step forward
                                                         ­    saying
                                                 no ******* more.

It feels like someone telling you you're beautiful,
like you're floating,
like you fall asleep smiling at the memories,
like when you're cold, and you picture their arms around you, warm,
like you're having conversations in the shower with yourself that you'll never have,
like you're checking the phone hoping they'll text first because you're too afraid,
like you're eating well and exercising well because you want look well for them because, they make you feel well.
like you don't have to lie anymore
like you can grow higher than ever
like you can smile in a photo and not delete it seconds after,
it feels like all of these things together, when you know they do not do the same.
it feels like you're holding your chin up, pretending you can just be friends, pretending your heart didn't decide, that they could make you happy, and whole. It feels like, with every breath, pretending you don't love them.
it feels like it hurts.

I write so many poems
every single day
in such a flurry of emotion
I have to use all my strength
to restrain myself
from posting them all at once
posting them as I feel them
one after another
clogging up your homepage
so you feel as clogged up
as I do
in my heart.
but it's good I don't,
for even though those poems
were produced
in a moment's emotion..
that emotion never truly fades,
and carries on forever.