and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

I’ll think about you sometimes
In the dead of the night
When silence blankets the earth
And fills the emptiness in my mind

I’ll find that the ghost of a smile will find its way to my lips,
Lifting the corners of my mouth
And kindling a spark that later blooms with all the fury of a flame

I’ll think of how you held me against your chest
And all the sweet nothings you whispered with every breath

I’ll think of how we laughed when you pulled the covers over our heads
And we hid underneath the sheets,
Kissing like the sun kisses the sky when it rises from the East

I’ll think of how your fingers twined with mine as exhaustion took hold
And in that moment we were happy
But happiness is fragile and we were bound to break it,
Weren’t we?

And as I lie here in the quiet,
With my thoughts as my only company
I know that these are all your ways of saying,
“I’m yours and you’re mine,”
Without letting those unspoken words actually tumble past your lips
Because that would mean falling
And you have a fear of heights.

It was your average heartbreak,
Except it wasn't really all that average,
And only one heart broke,
But can a broken heart break again?
Because if not, then there really
Wasn't any bloodshed...

It was complicated you see,
Because I loved her and she loved me,
But she didn't think it was right
Or meant to be,
Or something along the lines of
We shouldn't be a "we".

But that's not all, that story is plain,
You see, now we're long distance,
Five and a half hours via plane.
Not only that, but no one knew,
They didn't know about me or you
And certainly not us two.

But I was in love and I gave you
Everything that I could afford.
I gave you my soul, my love,
And bought gifts til I was poor,
But it wasn't enough
To keep you on board,
So you left.

And when you left,
I became severely depressed.
I locked myself in my room,
Taking pills around the clock
Smothering myself in a hazy gloom.
I stopped eating because I could,
People told me to get help,
But should I? I should.
But I didn't
Because the only opinion that mattered
Had up and left me on the floor,
Tears streaming down my face
As you walked out of my front door.
You walked out on me that day,
And you've never come back since,
We were going to live life like a fairy tale,
Two princesses, no prince.

But now I lay here,
On a bed made for two,
And only one side gets slept on.
If we meet a genie and get three wishes,
I only want one thing,
To move on.