what.
And then I
said...
Oh do you?
Nod, that.
sip the
tea, eyes
wide you
agree with
everything
she says-
that is
the way
you rent
your ears
to a
friend.

I've touched the
lips that wax
and wane
the warm mouth
that sits in
the sky

show me the
one with a smile
like that who
walks on the earth
and I will
surely follow him
all the way to
the
sea.

the thump of my
heart is
always in my chest
you would think that
with a rhythm like that
I could never feel
alone.
Well Science,
You're wrong.

"I wanted to touch your hair..."

"why?"

It was just...

your cheek seemed,
so sad,

without my hand.

I'm crawling to the ceiling
with my eyes.

No don't look-
I can't stand it.

Even a stranger who
brushes my elbow makes
me shy away.

I belong in
my own bubble
of Strange.

we walk alone
our heads down
our pens in meadows
that no one else
has ever explored

we look upward
eyes towards
cloud formations
only known to
giants and gods

If we cry
the water nourishes
our paper, fuels
our muse
and sprouts seedlings
from the hurt.

But when we
die, our page falls
silent.
And this is why
we must always
Keep On.

Keats,
This is For
you.

but nobody will want me, she said
I am the purple duckling.
My feathers curl to the wind
My eyes, they roll like marbles
in the sun.
My feet walk backwards
to the beach to look for
glass instead of fish.

Who will take me in,
not to rip away my feathers
for fluff and blankets
but to hold me
in their laps and
treasure my wings like
jewels?

My pack is all green-wearers.
their beaks a matching row.
they left me under the
Ash tree and said
She'll never grow.

But if I hold up my candle
to the inscription that
is written on my fading
dignity
hope it will say;
Purple is also the colour
of strength and
royalty
not just eggplants and shells.
so roll their barbs off
your back
and  some
day you too, will
find your
Rightful Pond.

you sit on
my feet and
purr.
is it
because you
know I'll
always be
here?
or because
there's still
little bits
of food
to the
very top
of your
bowl.

you're so
utterly
lovely
why can't you
be good?

the way you
promised
your mama
you would.

again I wondered
what they saw...

how I don't
match.

the snowflakes in
my hair didn't
seem to melt and
my scarf dragged.

I felt strong
in these boots
but knew somehow
that I still
looked Weak.

But that
they didn't care
because the shades
of their own
worries stood
in their paths like
trees.

I ponder
why I keep fighting
other people's
giants.

I question
how it should
matter what
the outside
looks like

I conclude that
I do
because the
inside needs
so much ****
work that
it's a monumental
construction.

Like Noah's Ark.

Only there's no
way God is
going to ever
help me
with rounding up
that many
animals.

I wanted to be different
to be able to
hold back somehow

to look like a different
world- a new
flower.

But I was still the
same. Inside, outside

You were like an owl
covered in wise
feathers, drenched
in sadness
licked with a coat
of happy
regret

All my heart
went into your
arms and I
fell down the
mountain again.

We've got
to stop writing
These Letters.

Dear Lord,

Please give strength to the failing, support to the unsure, rise up behind the legs of those who threaten to topple, and be the barrier between us and the wind. Grant us the courage to wake and to sleep, to breathe in and out, and to ask for help. Give us too, the courage to accept it.
Protect us from ourselves and help us reach out to others. Let us not cast judgment and be blind to our  faults, but let us look past them.
Help us to be present and help put us back together, so we can continue our work to put back together the world for You.

Amen

****-
if you write
it...
They will come.

it started
as a crumb
a shining
thorn in the
side of my finger
and grew
til abruptly,
on the bus
I looked around
unable to
breath.
startled
because
the memory of
you had suddenly
lifted heavily
away
from my
shoulders.

Learning how to be alone
is an art.
I do not mean
with, without
a lover.

Learn how to
be alone in
your self.

feel the skin
the way your soul
fits in
your bones.

rest there

like water
and stay as
it tugs
for the
longer you
can stand
it,

the stronger you
will be
when you
journey to
Stars.

waiting
for you...
I should
get a
better watch.
because this
one doesn't
tell me things
I wanna hear.
like
"he's never
coming
back".

I can see now
the smooth expanse.
but your cards are still
up and you're not
telling.
so I put
my head down
and just
hang on.

it's too much.
these beds I made.
my skin is so heavy.
I am under this
parachute of
coyness, but now
it's falling down
around me and I flail
in the waves, choke,
cough and toss.
remember how they said
don't wish for a thousand
coins because they'll all land
and crush your body?
I think, it's probably
best to be careful
for what you
ask  for, whether
it's forward
or backwards in
time. because once your
grass is green,
you have to roll
in it.
whether it tickles
your collar
or not.

the light won't
change.  It's cold
and I feel my
stomach rumble with
the times.  Somewhere
my past self
is tucked up beside
him, asleep already
wrapped in her current
state of affairs.
Future me is on
a plane. with peanuts on
her lap, sipping
ginger ale on
her trip
to Whatever's Next,
But now.  
As the cars
go, I'm still here
and it's still
not changing.
And as I ****
up my breath and
face into the wind,
I cross and
hope that neither
cars or
the whims of
fate hit
me too hard.

you can't tell
me anything, Universe.
I ask you
I ask you
I press the
fate button.
and you shut
your coy little
lips and say
no no
don't look
no peeking-
I'll just be
behind this tree
trust me, you'll
like it-
just take another
step forward.
yep, keep going.
But see, How?
how do I know
you didn't paint
a trompe- l'oeil
of a pit
just beneath my
toe tips
how do I know
whether I'll fall
into a cave
or wind up in
an office?
Just open
that door.
I want to
look into the hall
maybe peer at
your houseplants
the radiators
and doorknobs of
the future.
just some
spoilers.
then I'll
leave you
alone, I swear
I'll turn off
the lights, tuck
in and just
keep
walking on til
the end.

You said I
shouldn't
eat it before
dinner.
But I
did
anyway.
Sorry, Mom.

there was
a moment just now
that I realized
there were
no headphones filling
my ears.
this was unexpected
and
alarming.
the insides
of my face
apparently
appear to
have their own
unnoticeable
soundtrack.

I was scared
to turn up
the stairs
lest you be
waiting for
me
there.
who knows
what lies
in the dark
who tells the
truth when the
switch is un-
switched.
but when
big hands
turned on
the lights,
I opened my
eyes and
still
could not
see what was
hidden in those
shapes crouching
in the
shadows
of your
empty
halls.

you might be
'oh yeah?'
in a poem,
I said. with
the lights flashing
by, not
the cops but
a sign
proclaiming
something about
shoes changing
red, red
green, red, switch.

the things
that come out
came out of
my mouth,
I hope they
don't fly
back in.  
'cos
I just
may
want to
keep
those
golden eyes
for
a while.

hard and
soft the curves
of all of
you in
my memory
the different
lips I've
kissed, the
taste of spring
water.
pushed up
in the stalls
after school.
crammed,  
dark,  in
the car before
it turns
to morning
and the
memory of
irresistible fire
shooting  through
my legs,
is thin
and hollow
now that
the years
have covered
up the
feeling part
of my every-
-day- nerves
with an
awful gloss.

trapped in
vanity
mirrored by
humanity
lacking the
sanity
to classify
pacify my
inner demons
my mind is
screaming
protect it
reject it
lose face
respect it
solemnly
promising
to not lose
sight of
the honest
me. honestly
these rhyming
rap songs
on at work
are getting
to me.

there's a
storm out
there inside
here too.
but mine
doesn't melt
on my cheeks
when they are
warm.
it crystalizes
in my chest cavity
poking up
painfully when
I'm scared and
trying to breathe in.
and when I turn
out the lights
and try and pull
my security around
my body
the wind howls
reminding me
that even if I
shut the windows
I can still feel
the burn
of air coming in
on the tiny rips
in the sides
of my shield.

look for me when
there's light.
search for me from
the sidewalk.
peer up from the past
steer away from the
future.
but if you hurt, and
sting like fire...
I'll drop you here
splashing heat on my
toes
because ice can fix that.
but I
warn you now, memory
only
gets patched over,
not erased.

and it was you
and it was me then,
stuck together it was us.  
in a vessel.  
full of stars.

I want to
draw but
my hands don't
have those
dynamics I
want to sing
for you but
the words
and the melody
got caught in
an alleyway, had
a fight and
now they're
just not talking
so until
they do let's
just sit
wait this out
sip our water
and pray.

bounce back
forward
still behind.
if it
was the right
hand, even
when it does
feel right
and the gut
says no...
when will
I know
if my
gut just
felt like
lying because
it just doesn't
want to
be
attached to me
anymore?

up down
and sideways
she falls Alice
in the hole
but there are
no jam jars this
time
she, not
running after
a rabbit
but a little
box of treasures
a flutter of
sweet memories
he flung down
into that space
for her to
catch
only when
Alice lands
with that thump
we will
replace the dry
leaves with
spikes of
the nasty kind
carved out
of the sort
of hurtful
sayings that
you just never
can take
back.

it's pushing me
down this life
all the gravity
that shoves
shoved for almost
twenty five ...
am I?
quarter of a
century air
poundage
and I transfer
your pain
his pain
their pain
into my head
and can't even
help it
the weight I
can barely carry
on my own
I'll carry
yours too.
because that's
what I
always
do.

even the
arm of a
stranger
would be
could be
better than
the *** of
sheets that
isn't warm
not alive
just a sock
that slipped
out of the hamper
that isn't a hand
strewn over
mine, or
the pants carelessly
swung off the
side of
the bed
instead of
a hot foot
twined around
my ankle keeping
me anchored
to something
carnal
or real
to keep me
from floating
away.

too much on
my face I
want to look
beautiful
for strangers
but the
view in
the subway window
mirror is of
nothing but
sad eyes
just more
defined
by the paint
of loneliness

I want to
remember who I
was How
I was with you
with them
who I am
with me
Alone
all of you
and walking
on the sidewalk
at night
But I can't
seem to trace
in the blurs
the faces of
my many personalities
I can't
seem to connect the
dots, to find
the numbers that match
up to draw me
a full giraffe
with warm squishy
insides.
All I do
when I crack
myself open
is see a chocolate
cavern, filled with
not Easter eggs
or green fake
lawn but
empty
empty
air.

I hate it
when I lock the
door and you
take that pick
and set it
right in the
center of that band-aid
bit that I keep covering
I told you once
that I let you
in.
but that it's
not  for many
people.  Don't.
so now
that you're
back in the cold
best to get a sweater
because little red just
can't tell the wolf
from grandmas
anymore.

don't know
how to feel when
I see your face.

hastily shove on
this mask  and
become
prepared and
blank powerful
and cold.

angry to be
full of so much
sadness, blocked
beyond pain.

and  then I morph.

into some sort
of businesslike
zombie who
packs up this part
of her life.

cobbles together
her dignity.

andgetsthehelloutbeforesheremembershowtocry
again.

there are new ones
but I don't know them
the way I do
know you
the words that
might offend
sayings, actions
that confuse semi-strangers
but are like
breathing, sighing and
blinking to
you, who have
often sat right
at the root of my
soul, interpreting
calls as they come out
and pressing your hands
into my shoulders
and looking
into my
mind.
they don't know
anything but
my outdoor
shell
and as I am
concerned
maybe they never
can
or would I
let them
or
will.

can you stop
prodding at
my heart
disturbing it
like a rock garden
or pooled sand
my insides are
not so zen
can be disturbed
like cold waves
and every time
I still them
arrange my
mental hair
and tuck in my
theoretical shirt
you just come down the
aisle
and unfold it all
again.

a thousand
invisible lines
every time we
have to speak
don't fly out
of my fingers
"how...
are you?"
"are you...
eating"
Do you sleep?
Do you miss
anything about me?
all the words
that I can't slip
into your mental
pockets
no notes
with little
stars
stick figures
of cowboys
climbing door frames
I want to ask
about the ipod
I stashed under
the coffee table
but instead I
feel this leave
my lips
"yes,  Ok. It's
fine....
goodbye."
And just
like that I
backspace my
mind, delete
the syllables
and just try and
concentrate on
writing off
the way I'm
not supposed
to be feeling
about
you.

at night it's
the hardest
I turn to
your side and
trace the dent your
form would have made
sleeping here for
weeks, your hand
so sweet and heavy
on my hip
chest rising and
falling all
fluttering eyes and
dark hair.

at night it's
the quietest
the fan slowly whirring
as the dark deepens
and I can't
hold out any
longer and fade
only to wake up
confused because
you're still
not
here.

waking up
without
and there's no
warm barrier for
the wind.
the shell
of duvet, pillow
and sheet is
scentless,
soulless
and no
longer a haven
for my hours
without
you to
guard
me while
I rest.

being alone
is like breathing
when you think
about
focus on it
you can't quite
seem to do it
right
the breaths heave
in out, up down
jagged and alien
you don't get the
right saturation
the reflexive feeling
you temporarily forget
until distracted
you fall asleep
and your body takes over.
I-
I wish it was just
like that.
But it
it is not.

I don't want to
be her again.
She was so
lost.  
And now,
Wild like a wind,
bashing against grass.
useless like weak rain.
Without her books
without her home
and very close
to losing her
heart.

who are you without someone
to remind you
that you exist?
Are you a tree in the forest
that will fall down
but be unknown
because no one caught you?
The trick to being invisible is
not to do anything noticeable
you fade in time. we don't really
properly look at people
to really see them
we flick over their faces
grab the bits of interesting information and
retreat back into ourselves
like foxes stealing
delicious eggs
then we move on.

I need your hug
I need your smell
I need the things
that I think you do well
hands on my feet
hands on my hips
kisses on my shoulder
kisses on my lips
I haven't even seen
you and the things that
got between
[you and I]
are backwards and
forwards
confusing, no lie.
but we just couldn't go
back even
if we tried.
so to save some time
and make the pain go by fast
I'm going to destroy
my values with rhyme
and just try
and bury my memories
of our past.

and the wind came
and I was defenseless
for I had not boarded up
my windows
in fact I
had opened up
my doors and welcomed in
the creatures of
plague
I invited the leeches
onto my ankles
beckoned the water snakes
into my hair
and sat in the chair
I had wrought of
moldy river reeds
and looked up at
the storm and the
ark and said
too late
this flood
that man
they've gone.
so I'll
just stay
right here
For as long
as I can.

in my brain
there is a switch
somewhere
that I need to find
or my bathtub plug
at the base of my spine
to drain out
the full reservoir
of all this building
slop
tears, conflict
guilt, an angst
ridden moral chain
of knots that
is clogging
the channels
of continuation
for my life
path.
because if this
don't go soon
I'm looking at
you,
Lord.
And we're gonna have another
talk.

when I go back
it is the same
and it isn't
I am me and
her now
we have memories
like two halves
of a lost
coin.
And I have the
same hands.
but the things
they carry
are burdens that
just couldn't
even be imagined
the last time
I exited this
stage.