one day you held my hands,
the next day you fist bumped me.

Homeschooled boy
Tall, blonde
with acne,
holding a lunch pale.
He gives you that
mesmerizing,
innocent,
sweet smile
as you pass in the hallway.
He makes you blush.
He makes you feel special.
never fall for someone like this
They aren't what they seem.

They aren't innocent,
AT ALL.
All they want from a sweet,
Christian girl
is ***.
All he wanted was to tell his friends
what he did with me.
He didn't care about me.
He just cared about his image.

He was the new, homeschooled kid
and he wanted to fit in.
Oh but he fit in just fine.
He smoked ****.

Little did I know,
because he lied to me
about everything.

In the beginning,
he told me he was an honest person.
Of course I believed him
because I want to see the good in people.
He also asked if I was honest,
I said yes because that was the truth.

One month later,
I found out the truth.
At first I didn't want to believe it,
but he played me.

He lied to me
about who he was,
what he did,
and who he told about us.

This absolutely crushed me.
He was my first boyfriend.
He was just an innocent,
lunch pale-carrying,
boy, right?
all wrong.

I wish I saw the red flags
and never committed to a relationship.
He broke me just as fast as he got me.
and i will never trust again.

i'll save you
a corner
in my mind
and *heart

I love the way you exist,

Because you're so **** good at it.

~

Pain
    Might lessen
         Over
              time

But
       The memories
            Never
                 Fade

~

do you know what it feels like
to be sweet talked then back stabbed?

do you know what it feels like
for everyone to know what you've done?

do you know what it feels like
when he leaves after you let him see another layer of you?

do you know what it feels like
to be used when you thought he care about you?

do you know what it feels like
for him to never speak to you again after you finally let him in?

do you know what it feels like
when your first boyfriend does these things?

do you know what it feels like
when you call me those names even when your'e kidding?

do you know what it feels like
when you can't trust anyone after what has happened to you?

do you know what it feels like
to live with all the regret because he made you do those things?

do you know what it feels like
to want to know why no one can love you?

do you know what it feels like**
because I do.

For you, the one who I never expected.

For you, the one who holds me and makes me laugh and is so very close to my own heart sometimes I think they share beats.

For you, the one who believes in me more than I believe in myself, telling me I'm something even on my darkest days. That I'm special, that I'm worth it, even when I want to believe that I am everything but.

For you, the one who I am so afraid of hurting, but could not stand at this point to abandon out of fear. I find myself standing by your side and wanting to stay there and make you as happy as I can manage, because you deserve it.

For you, the one I fell asleep in front of, a feat not many can claim, for sleep has always terrified me more than it should and the fact I trusted you with unconscious me means the world, when I barely trust myself during slumber.

For you, the one who watched Lilo and Stitch the first night we spent together, and we kissed and laughed and simply were just us and I couldn't ask for anything more wonderful, even though at the time I hardly appreciated it.

For you, the one who was there for me when I thought no one wanted me, and promised you would be there for me even when I couldn't be there for myself.

For you, the one with almost tears in his eyes when you realized the gravity of my pain, of my problems, of my fears. The almost tears that I will never forget, and will make me want to fight for a better me every day.

For you, the one who I never expected, but now would not change for the world.

For you.