The gifts I’ve received have been
a rosey monogrammed bottle
a Hogwarts scarf
Agatha Christie mysteries
a stone to remind me that God is here
a heartfelt note
a Bluetooth speaker
emotional healing
and even a car
but so far . . .
I’m still lonely

Should I let you go when the going gets tough,
When the distance makes nothing, seem like enough
When even our talking, talking seems rough,
Should I let you go, even though,
I once thought the world of you?

Should I let you go when our friendship seems rotten,
When I think all it was, was fluff and cotton,
When I come to feel it best forgotten?
Should I let you go, based on this feeling,
That I may come to regret?

Should I let you go when there’s nothing left to talk of,
When I’ve been persuaded out of love,
When I no longer think “us” fits like a glove,
Should I let you go, because the memories almost hurt,
And I want to get on with my life?

Should I forsake you to this cold world,
Where we rarely find people to love us?

I feel beat up and bruised,
              But fed with the choicest of foods,
              I feel empty and cursed,
While loved beyond imagining,
Nothing sweet to bring to my lips or brighten my eyes,
              But immeasurable joy brings smiles to my face,
              And laughter in my throat to replace,
             The bitter swallows of pain,
              Nothing will ever again look so bleak,
              For now I see the light will always come,
              To show the contours of love, and colors to brighten the whitest of scars

The background comes together slowly, made from bits of headache and lingering sleepiness,
A stray emotion from a movie scene, and some constrained memories;
Blue wind blowing over low hills, with a distant Grecian temple.
In the foreground are many hormones, so tiring to me and contributing to every feeling here,
Represented as red spikes and hard geometric figures.
Opposite these is a hardened tree, standing firm for what I see,
As right.
And flowing across the very bottom of the page, is a happy brook,
Calming the hormones, watering the tree, and giving life to the image.
Today the tree fights to see clearly, but the hills seem steep, and the wind is cold,
The temple so sweet and the memories calling,
Chemicals burn.
But the water soothes, and sings its song and draws the tree away,
The sky is dark but the break of day,
Is coming.

I drank you like water
but your liquid was ambrosia
sickening to mortals

my soul is undying
but sheds this bleeding flesh
too slowly
for me to swallow more

A dance with a weakened neck is only whiplash

A fool I am
but dreams are found
when you are a fool at the right moment
Always a fool I will be
waiting for my moments

In fall my spring came
As the warmth of summer faded into the cool before our first Indian summer
I lifted up my face like the recent sunflowers
and felt all the pride and joy and peace
Along my tall spine

it is not always after rain
we see a rainbow
but sometimes as it pours

Waking got up with the sun, and walked across the sky/He shimmered through the whooshing air, there espied me with his eye/Stepping through my window pane, he woke me gently, called my name/Praises be to God the Father, The Spirit and the Son/I have woken and begun, to sing praises to them One.

Sleeping rose up with the stars, and used moonbeams for a slide/He bridged the gap between us and came softly to my side/ Telling me his brother left, he sang to me, with his sweet breath/I became oblivious, and entertain myself/ Visions wild, with passions sweet, stir my mind, unique to sleep.

Laughing traveled on a cloud, from white towers to the ground/ bringing gifts from God in heaven, here to take the hearts turned leaden/ He invited Joy to join him, on his cotton magic carpet/ on a whim, I jumped in, and flew to his parapet.  

Weeping hailed from Hades, bringing sadness in her palms/dressed in dismal shades, I ran from where she trod/ But a glimpse of her I saw, having dwelt with Sons of life/ I could not keep her long, in me was little strife.

The call of a goldfinch wakes me
My eyes flutter open
I see it’s bright yellow body flit through the night dark branches
Oh, Willow!
Why are you so far from home?

Oh little skill,
Which I almost proclaimed to be my All,
Wrapped around my heart so tightly,
I cry,
That my blood is paper,
And my bones are words,
Love me for what I write,
Is something I must never say,
For myself cannot be wholly found,
Among these purple stripes,
And golden orchids,
Or truly,
I Can be found
In all my follies,
A human standing,
With lies for eyes,
I hope you see more Truth,
And no one dies,
A little more because of me

It's been a few weeks
since I felt whole, unbroken
The first time in so long
Now that joy feels stolen

I didn't know to know myself
the knife must cut so deep
I'd wish myself away into mock sleep

Now all that I can hear is the rushing out of my own blood
and the whispers blaming it on all that love
the love that drove me into hiding

I fear quiet, slinking apathy
that must be addressed in cold agony
I fear glaring flaws
cut out with flashing scissors
I fear lies will slip in
like pills into a drink
Poisons thrown back into a bright throat
From faces of any shape or color
The sharper the chin
The deeper the tears
But most of all I fear I’ll close myself in self-defense
and others in that process

Delusions of grandeur
have made many a ship sink
But a boat that never leaves the harbor
has no story to tell

I claim to be free
And done with that cage
But how many steps
have I really taken
down the road and out the door?
How many times have I been dancing
but turned to run back once more?

You held my hand
laughed at the danger
you stretched across
I blushed
at the sight of you
doing this simply to please me

If you would like to hold a weeping woman
then I’m the one for you

Art,
Is a sheer, filmy thing,
And a fleeting mist,
Its understanding is uncatchable,
Like a cloud rolling in the sky,
Is it a fancy,
A snapshot,
A product of hard work,
Or a sudden breath of beauty,
From a mouth opened out of habit?
Can we rightly dub,
A simple decoration,
With the same three letters,
That must define,
That which arouses to a screaming pitch,
Emotions?
Is it the possible response,
To an object,
That enables it to be named,
Art?
A wondrous thing,
That forms words out of colors,
And colors out of words,
And music out of smells,
And music into movement,
And enables one to feel again,
And understand what had not yet been grasped?
I propose, the word may be too broadly used,
But I am clueless,
As to where to draw the line.
One cannot draw it at physical response,
For the wisest man cannot separate the mind, soul, or body,
Into useful parts,
Nor can one draw it at ugliness,
For unless it is truly a cruelty,
Some person shall maintain it is fine.

Oh God, don’t let me die a thousand deaths again,
After one break I thought I was stronger,
Stronger than this,
But my eyes are only clearer,
And foolish stares me down.
Lock my heart up safe, O Lord,
Put it where it cannot fall,
Into a pool of pointless tears.

Don't look at it too hard,
Or you'll see it doesn't fit,
Talking wears it out

The strings of my heart were out of tune,
And Your fingers couldn’t play,
A crying sound like a dying loon,
Was all that filled my day,
So You turned Your hand to tune them,
And You pulled, and You sang as You twisted,
Tighter and higher, stronger and longer,
Until they were finally in line,
A new song You wrote,
What joy in each note,
Which poured from Your mouth on the throne,
And played on my heart,
A cherished, choice part,
In the orchestra of the world.

To me I used to think,
Your love a special treat,
A gift to be opened on rare days,
And enjoyed upon occasion,
And perhaps I never will,
Feel so deep each day,
But love is not something to save,
You give it freely all along,
And just as you never say “Enough!”
You command us do the same,
No time is better than another to show love,
A bottomless seven layer cake.

it’s tears and weeping
groaning struggles
that tear down what keeps us from you
Only pain can take us
teach us to enter
Your spirit dimension
the waters of suffering
wash the ***** windows of our eyes
grimed from day to day lies
We can’t keep the dirt from building up
until pain teaches us to cry
cry quickly
to wash it all away in honesty
And in that moment we catch clearer glimpses of You
Slowly memorizing Your form and face
until we can trust
even when our eyes are closed and grimed

I sit in warmth and plenty
but the down of feathers
is too thick
it smothers

Every day I sit with you
a moment long enough
But my mouth opens only
to comment on your day
Tell you that your son is well
or sick
I'll come tomorrow at 10:15
I'll babysit an extra day
I'm sorry your cousin's girlfriend's sister
died in Paris Friday

When I talk to God I feel him drawing in
But like the pain of over fullness
I feel an empty in my heart
For I know an outlet's missing

I guess I'm close enough to tell
when the time is right to share
I don't need a foghorn in my ear

When you hold me in your arms,
I weep,
Tears from what I can’t articulate
The illness of a dying earth,
The fight against the demons,
The out of tune voices,
Take their toll on me,
And build,
Like mud upon my clothes,
Rest and cry,
In the safety of your lap,
The only place,
Where I am clean.

if my eyes cannot look at the sun
one word that came from Your mouth
How could they gaze on Your face?
All the more Real

You streaked me with your shining fingers,
And planted love inside my heart,
Your beauty in me softly lingers,
For fine music has become a part,
Of every living cell.

Oh, Great City
shrouded in the mist of the future
Still stand stark in my mind
An indelible landmark of the future
drawing me with scarlet cords
Clearly I will See You
Clearly I will Hear You
as surely as I have been alive
I will walk Your streets

All the men I used to love
or close enough
have settled in the fringes
And I no longer have anyone to think of
during love related songs
I’m in a strange limbo
so rare for me
with no one in any sense of reality
taking over my thoughts
I’m almost grasping for obsession
but trying to learn a lesson

There were once two people
Two people
Two very different persons
So very much alike.
And one person,
Recognizing how unique the other was,
So intricately spun,
With layers and layers of cloudy fact,
And rainbows of feeling,
Decided she could not be separated from him.  
She would never understand him, he was not made to be understood,
Not being the product of a formula, but a reaction to a thought.
Fear was always with her, something that must be thrown off, with caution in its place.
She feared she was too different,
Feared he was too great,
But her faith was not so weak,
She knew a greater one could take his place,
But a place would always be for him.
She hardly questioned her infatuation,
For it was built on what she saw as truth,
Full of truth he seemed to be.

How sweet are your words to my taste,
    sweeter than honey to my mouth!

As the drops splash down with a calming sound,
I’m cooped up here at a desk,
As the quiet rain feeds the thirsty ground,
I yearn for its peace and rest,
Another day when I can play, will come at last I’m sure,
And I’ll dance again in the pouring pure,
Feeling happy as ever in my world, not caring if anyone frowned.

If Your joy is my strength
let me hear it's song bounce from rocks and mountains
Loud and rushing as the wind
sweet and bubbling as a stream
warm and close like Papa arms
Up and Out!
Down and In
flowing
soaking
wafting in
heat my frozen bones
caress a weary head
And I'll accept all suffering

O God, In my soul your Spirit cries out,
Abba Father, Abba Father,
I love you more than I can take,
Widen my heart for your love, O Lord,
My capacity to love is small,
I give as much as I can take,
So small,
Through me, O Lord, love them All,
I want you because you want me,
I long for your embrace,
To stay with you forever,
And look upon your face,
I cry, for my hands cannot add rooms,
To a heart already empty,
It’s All or Nothing, a little at a time
I don’t deserve the bright beams from your eyes,
And as life becomes sweeter, I increase my sighs,
I can’t stand beneath the weight, of the truth before me,
That you would rather die, than live without me.
Love, you created, perfect,
Love, you created, all the same,
No levels, strong as your arm, no place for shame,
You’ve seated me with Christ,
To hold my head up high,
In the pride and humbleness,
Of Your love,
Show me what surrounds me,
In pure and holy Light,
Remove my blurred eyes,
Extract the truth from cloying lies,
By your Word, written that I might,
Know the Truth, and what ties,
My soul to Yours.
A lie whispers in my ears,
That my hurt is deep,
Deeper than your healing,
But you promise me,
That you will finish, what you began,
What you started,
Its first glimmers can be seen,
Your beauty shining through,
Your likeness in my face,
Your love between my fingers,
Fill me Lord, with you,

I shall not want,
When what I hold is not enough,
I shall not want,
When I’m afraid,
I naively wasted the gold you gave,
I shall not want,
When dark clouds are wrapped around my eyes,
And I hold a fit at bay,
I shall not want,
Though I forget the ground,
You so firmly placed beneath my feet,
I shall not want,
When I dread,
Think I am good as dead,
For my perspective is as changing
As disturbed pools,
But yours never changes,
And you remain convinced,
Of what you believed,
At the world’s beginning

The game I lost,
Still haunts me,
And a phantom desire remains,
To play again,
And win,

The board’s the same,
The dice remain,
The stakes just as they were,
The outcome lies untouched,
And unapproached,

Sometimes I feel I throw those dice,
Watch for a lucky number,
But see the same again,
Other times I think I threw the dice away,
Before they even landed once.

You have taught me to crave,
What this world does not produce,
I long after special words,
That they would often spurn,
And people who have no place,
Among the greats,

I don’t need to learn Greek, or translate for myself the Hebrew
To know the truth, as real as blood and hard as glass, lasting longer than the sun
My heart doesn’t need guidance of ancient fathers in their own tongue,
For it to beat in rhythm with the Lord’s, all I need is a quiet place
And words with the essence of Love

Like dark, vaporous remnants
like a bad dream
vague
it slips into uncomfortable
amorphous uncertainty
more pleasing than the bold streaks of red paint
underneath metallic rods
that used to define the subject
as Pain and Stupidity
with a slash of Slavery
Instead
the last of its whispers
speak of Strength
and self-forged Freedom

He doesn't understand . . .
He let go . . .
I let go.
He doesn't want to let go . . .
I let go.
Bye.
Goodnight.

deep eyes
always ready to stare straight into yours
Lips that don’t ask personal questions
and only volunteer a few of his own
with laughing humility
Quick to tease gently
arms that hug with a whisper that says
“stay here as long as you need”

Stop,
Pretending,
to be someone,
Who is as grand as you,
Some,
Are born,
Never doubting,
Most must turn their hearts,
Inside out,
to see the Truth,
Airs are only empty pride,
Hollow disbelief in oneself,
and Angels cry,
For a lie,
Is to Deny,
Your birthright.

You cannot reach,
your dreams alone,
and if you're not a trust fund baby now,
Stop,
Pretending.

The world of God holds you up,
And wants to feed you better fare,
Your Own,
Skin,
Will feel,
A thousand times more beautiful,
If,
You stopped,
Pretending.

Maybe
deep in your godman
waiting in the core of your spirit being
There’s an apology for me
Your soul had yet to meet it’s pressure point
Your best features still buried
in the unconscious dirt that clings
to every human
It’s not something I want presented now
Not a crystal I want to hold
so I trust it’s sitting in your heart
As God turns all your mistakes to gold

I am weary of the worry,
Weary of the pain,
Weary of the dreary teary,
Weary of the shame,
Tired of all the sickness in me,
And tired of my name.
But deep inside my heart of hearts,
There lives a drop of sun,
And when life’s at its darkest,
To here my hurt can run,
For when all about is dimming,
It shines brighter, ‘til I’m brimming.
And Jesus’s hand that’s holding mine,
Soothes my heart, now back in line,
I’m grateful for this time I have,
To lie and wait for you,
To hold on tight, to cry and sigh,
And know that you are true.

When I met you
I met a new me
and it’s like learning how to fly
I’m in the air for the first time

It is agony to die, to live in death
to wait as He says wait
to breathe as He says breathe
to rise as He says rise
It is Joy to be lifted up!
But achingly
so slowly
as He shakes away the dust
and grave clothes