It has never really been my blatant disobedience that made me ashamed,
Not my arrogance, nor any ****** deviance, no angry lashing out,
That cuts me to pieces and makes me hang my head
Keeping me habitually from entering you presence,
No, it has been my absence from your side,
My choice to forget you in my day,
Not speaking to the one who gave me birth,
And took away the night,
Then,
When pain, and loneliness
Drive me back to you,
I try to once again avoid you presence,
Wishing I had come out of nobler impulse,
Forgetting that this is how you work,
Almost like a lover who doesn’t care what makes me join him,
The Lord calls me to himself,

I feel snowflake dreams
slip from weakened fingers
How I promised to keep you
and meet you up the mountain
I stand in shadow
the dim edge of early morning
convinced the peak will turn gold without me

Tonight I’m drowning in tears
because I didn’t let myself speak

Dear
with you
It’s like time slows
ever so slightly
And the world opens up for me
you add a little bit of flame to my star
I grow each time I see you
How else do I tell you I love you?

Have you ever held the hand
of a man who worked for a living?
A construction worker
A carpenter
A tower repair man?
That’s what my God’s hands are like
Capable
Strong
Warm and
Ever-ready

Back and forth,
Forth and back,
There swings a little sparkle,
On my chain of dreams,
I ponder this point of light,
And think,
So small a thing,
Why let it hang so heavy?
Let it fall away,
Why should it stay,
And pull upon my heart?
The gems I wind around my neck,
Seemed so much better with it there,
And the pins I placed in my hair,
Had they more energy?
Or were they dulled?
Drop the tiny star,
And I will never notice it is gone.
Or will I?
Could I drop it?
I can’t forget my visions.
This thing,
This kind,
Will return for me,
Perhaps a different hue,
With scintillating brilliance,
And take its place again.
For now I place it aside,
On a piece of lace,
In a drawer,
Some may see it shine,
If they look hard enough,
A reverie for rainy days,
Until you pick me up,
And stand with me forever,
Or I find,
There really wasn’t space for you,
Upon my chain of dreams.
Oh little dreamstar,
You caused such a silly stir,
So much pressed inside your little body of thoughts,
Winking and blinking on your string,
You taught me more than one good thing,
But who can speak for your future?

For too long,
I said,
Enough,
For too long,
I said,
It cannot be,
I didn’t let,
My heart dream,
And called my,
Rash desires,
Never,
So many things,
I truly want,
I forgot,
That life is,
Always more,
Than One,
Or Two,
Or Three,
And work,
Does not define me,
I’m letting go,
Now,
To saying,
This I will,
That will be,
For your Glory,
My joy,
Is my pursuit,
And I was made,
With Many,
Dreams to,
Live for.  

I feel,
Trapped,
The only thing,
To do is run,
But not away,
Muscles seize the day,
Prepare for when I may,
Live my dreams out.

Don’t let someone be your drug
                                                            ­     high!
                                                       so
                                                
Don’t let someone          up
                      take you
that when they leave the room
                        you go
                                         down
                                                   so
                                                          low
­Learn to love yourself and be happy alone
Cos living for your next hit
is always reckless
Whether your drug is named Vicodin or Nathan

Love is a storm
but my sails are always full
my soul’s canvas fibers locked in place
to move me at the slightest breath of emotion
I’ve docked myself in harbor
to preserve my life
Though too all eyes
I am a worthy, ready vessel
asking for a breeze
waiting for the morning tide

What has happened to my heart?
Where do I begin, where do I start?
The holes I used to see are gone,
What have you done to my eyes?
Where you’ve taken all the lies?
The holes I used to see are gone
I am sure I’ve not arrived,
But my life’s hid with you on high,
And the holes I used to feel are gone,
The holes I used to see are gone

I’m learning I’m an ocean
full of uncharted depths
made just for me to explore
I’m far more interesting than a few little coves
I’ve got trenches
and reefs
starfish
and beasts
And I’ll never reach the end of it

Would anyone like to collaborate with me? I've never done it before.

I felt it,
The green beginnings,
Shooting up from my heart,
But then,
I forgot

It’s part of everyone’s life, suffering
But most people don’t enjoy it like we do
most of them don’t find in it great trees
But we do
We make those great sad oaks into timbers
We stand them up in the snow
and build our homes with them
The scent of victory is burning pine
Our fire
Our suffering

I was born to steal the moon
and I’ve been waiting to do it for you
But now I’m tired of that
I’m not gonna hold my breath
cos you still haven’t asked
I’m gonna go get that moon for me

Your cologne smelled like happiness and contentment
Lingering on my scarf,
I smiled all the way home

I took 3 years of piano
so apathetic
But feeling guilty
for wasting training in the human apex
wrote down musician on my list of desired traits
in a mate
probably Because I couldn’t measure
Up
Funny . . .
a good half of that list
consisted of proficiencies in where I felt I failed
confused
not understanding how complete I was
not understanding that mastering a musical instrument is not a virtue

and suddenly it’s not about who cares . . .
you wish they cared a little less
wish you didn’t matter quite so much . . .
leaving isn’t always about your self-esteem
sometimes it’s just the weight of pain

have you ever been so tired
that it feels like your soul is dying
You know your body can keep moving
and doing the same things
but somehow the exhaustion has put part of you away somewhere?
Like . . . you’ve come to the end of a rope you’ve never come to the end of before

Is a dream, a real dream
A good dream
if it doesn’t make you shiver
if it doesn’t make you shake
if it doesn’t make
you sure you’ll make mistake after mistake?
Is it ever really worth it?
If it doesn’t make you quake
infuse your mind with plans and worry
and at night keep you awake?
What’s the point of living
What’s the point of having smarts?
If it doesn’t make you work
with all your strength and arts
using everything from all your parts
until your straining chest feels like
you’ve been on the wrong side
in a game of deadly darts?

If all your courage it doesn’t take
In the end will you feel a fake?
Maybe you won’t
But I refuse in life to undertake
what I know could just be handed to me
on a plate
If I just wait

This new sword
so awkward in my grip
I start to fumble and blister
Fear rises
My brows tightened
My teeth draw blood from my own lips
Until I remember
the same old shield
still at my side
Covers me always

I learned to stand,
and break my fall,
To give space,
when quarters squeeze and ache,
But have I learned to defend?
I know how to chase,
But how do I keep?
I can lift a knife to cut into my family,
But can I lift my hands to build a home?
Love, like a child,
comes along easily enough,
But keeping it alive is hard.

Words are food to me
I open up to tender sentences
careful compliments like water in my mouth
the flowers of my soul burst forth
in shocking color
when someone I trust tells me they love me
And oh, how fast they die of poisoning
upon verbal attack
my deepest wounds
my brightest moments
were each encountered through words

My moments of wakefulness at night
lead to deadening days
As my eyelids flutter open in the dark
so they slowly droop amidst sunlight
I lift my head from my pillow and remember the pain of a dream
as crisply as a fresh fried chip
Then I’m pulling my chin down in frustration afternoonly when I can’t remember my tasks inside a funk as muddy as chocolate pudding

You are sunlight
glinting through raindrop prisms



*a weeping angel

Everyone fights death,
This is just my way,
To keep it at bay,
I hate to say,
That what I crave,
Are the blows,
That weaken me,
And my rights,
Are not what I pretend.
The passions of my tongue,
Hold horrid sway,
Over the way,
The war goes,
I fell so hard,
Yesterday,
The victim,
Sliced open,
By the sweet contents,
Of glass jars.
I said goodbye,
To so much already,
Must even more,
Be taken from me?
I am beset with blindness,
And fear to walk,
Guided by those I know not,
Following the soft and hard
Suggestions of online gurus.
Their most important line,
I most love to despise,
That of listening to
And believing
Myself.

If all my children die in the womb, am I still willing to bear them?
If they die in my arms, am I willing to still conceive?
If my lover dies on my honeymoon, am I still willing to marry?
If he dies the day after I knew I loved him, am I still willing to love?
If my foot is cut off tomorrow, am I sorry I ever had one?
If I lose it when I am twenty, do I wish I had never run?
The pain in one moment can never negate the joy preceding it, nor will it take away the joy that is coming.

A happy five year old
I picked up my crayons and gave it my best
so proud of a little thing
but my friends said
“You colored outside the lines!”
Pouting I brought it to my mother
after school was over and I was home
“Yes, Eva, you colored outside the lines”
What lines?!
All I had seen was my own rainbow of color
placed exactly as I liked it

when cultivating a will to live is too difficult
I settle for drowning out the desire to die

I like to paint my eyelids rainbow
to color all I see
Different shades of reds
And blues and greens
I do write with colored tear drops
and so the paper's stains . . .
must oft contain the lies of lovely feelings

I look back and read and wonder
at the garden on display
And I ask if what I wrote about
was just my own artistic creations
washed
Away

“A messiah for the rest.
A terror for your own”

Like a caterpillar, speaking with the artist,
Am I with you,
You have told me what colors will be on my wings,
Colors others don’t want to see,
But when the time comes,
I will fly, and be every color you want me to be

relief
but
not release
one night more
but nothing can speak for the future
not yet

Sometimes I look at all my art
in rapturous awe
other times in apathy
but mainly with pride
Some days
I think I’m just a ******* mess
A ****** rainbow built from dumb and harmful ideas

I hate to lie down
when my feelings are in knots
I’ve always excelled at untying real knots
pulling out each strand with enjoyment
I’m proud of every knot I’ve ever untied
And I give great advice
but I hate to lie down in slumber
when emotional solutions evade me
The day stretches out unresolved
I lack the pieces I need to make peace
with the present

You used to be so far away,
Your colorless face was hard, surrounded by clouds
And I never tried to hold Your hand,
But now, I see you ever clearly,
The brown of Your beard, and I feel Your arms
So soft and strong about me,
My heart starts to beat in time with Yours,
And my head rests in Your lap,
I know the safest place, and my dearest friend
So much more, but everything they said
Oh, I cry out for a more true vision,
And a stronger touch,

I bow, I dance, I sit, I cry, I lie in helpless heap at Your feet

I am like a bird, shaking out it’s wrinkled wings to finally fly,
When I am strengthened by Your heart

what a bitter taste is left in my mouth!
The knowledge I had a hand in this poison does little to draw it out
not one thing remains to be missed
Not a word
not a syllable
not a kiss
I’ve heard the lingering flavor of lust
More than merely resembles Disgust
But I hate to consider my love to be Dust

if today has taught me anything
it’s that I’m going to need you every day this week

I do not answer a fool in his folly
for the retorts of a fool are too many