like a redheaded tiger
i too have stripes
red ones on my wrists
thighs
forearms

like a tiger
i can stand the fire
red hot welt
on my freckled forearm

like a tiger
i have claws
they are
silver
i cut at
that which harms me -
me

because when I was fourteen,
I'd put on my angsty coat
With its burlap pockets
And its itchy collar
And its ill-fit
And I'd go out with my middle fingers
Toasting the world
Blaming every stranger on the street
For every night I couldn't sleep.

And sick was a cold
Sick was a fever.
Sick was the shakes from not eating.
Because I'm a girl.
And my value does not stem
Past my appearance.

When I was sixteen
I rimmed my eyes in charcoal black
And donned a matching outfit
That would bring out
The feigned vacancy in my prying eyes
As the ambivalence of wanting to eat the world
And wanting to hide from it
Weighed on my narrow shoulders.
And a boy thought I was a Satanist.
And he avoided me.
And I loved it.

Now I'm older --
But still just a kid.
And I wear real clothes
That make me look like I'm twelve.
But at least I'm happy.
And sick has a different meaning.

It's reaches past the physiological nausea that accompanies
And into the aches and pains of waking up every day
And through the cold, cold labyrinth in which I've been lost
For seven years
And the sickness is laughing my *** off
In a room full of beautiful people
That I love
That I would do (almost) anything for
And trying to decide whether or not tonight is the night
With absolute glee I ponder
Is tonight the night
When I can cut the crap
And finally get a good ******* night's sleep
And not feel the obligation
And not deal with the fact my ******* body
Is crapping the **** out on me
At nineteen.
And that whatever the **** this is
Is only enough to make me miserable
And not enough to **** me
Because most days, the curiosity keeps me going
And going
And ******* going
And then I'm in pain.
And I laugh,
Because I take myself way too seriously.
And life is a **** beautiful gift after all
right?
And I've got the whole world at my feet.
Who cares about a little pain?

I need to be awake in seven hours
And tonight I don't feel destructive.
I want to apologize to my mother for being so cold
Even when I try not to be.
And I want to buy her a nice house and all the clothes she wants
So she can feel comfortable going to work.
So she sees that she's beautiful.
Even if it's superficial.
And I can't fix anything
And I can't turn my brain off
And this isn't even art anymore.
This is..
It's...

Because who the **** doesn't love being sick.

Alone at night
I find myself wide-eyed
Clutching sheets with white knuckles
Peering out from under the covers
Hiding like a child
Keeping myself
Holding myself together
Under these sheets
Under the weight of cotton
So I don't fly away.

Stealing my breath tight in my chest I count to ten
With cheeks turning red
And five fingers reaching into the darkness
Stretching themselves into nothingness
Until they spring back
To hold my cotton fortress steadfast
Against the tyranny of night.

The grumbling and groaning of the house
Churns my stomach
And I sink into these sheets
With my breath coming back at me
As I hide beneath covers
And sing a song that makes me happy
But it sounds all wrong
And as a last resort
I reach over to the other side of this big bed
And put my hand on your warm skin
And instead of complaining;

You stretch out your arm
And pull me into you
And in that moment, I know.

The life of a teenage girl
Is tumultuous.
She lives thirty lives in 7 short years
Combs her hair with a shaky hand
That turns still and calloused as time goes by.
Every year colored with
Black tears from too much mascara
And lipstick on teeth from untamed laughter
And dark circles under eyes from too many late nights
And scars from everything beautiful and ugly that ever touched her.

Her hands are so full
From every boy who ever intertwined his fingers with hers
And left behind whatever he did when he was finally gone.

And the ventricles of her heart; so swollen
She feels as though she may collapse under the weight of her heart.

And written in every vein,
Every capillary,
Every lobe,
Every nerve,
Are all the consuming ways in which she loves all that she loves.

And her stomach is scarred from that churning feeling;
That nauseating, stinging, consuming feeling.
That speeds in and out when she's enveloped by fear,
Or love,
Or hatred,
Or heartache.

And on her skin,
The scent of her family;
The ones bound by blood, and the ones bound by destiny.
The ones who made her strong and taught her to love.

So here's to family:
That chaotic wake up call
That didn't show its light until she realized just how bright it truly shines.

we never found god.
we never found god.

the only shining light we see
is alarm clock blue,
refracted from the glass of your
empty ***** bottle eyes/

the last drop of this substance soul
finding it's way into (y)our body.

This is not a poem,
it’s a loss of hope.

Art only the escape
from what was,
what is
and what will always be
until all that’s left is

what?

I scatter my childhood,
leave it among the plains,
forget the trail of grazed knees,
praying hands and broken hearts

until all that’s left is

what?

I feel the teeth in my carcass;
always ‘I’;
never the pains of others,
never the loss of tide,
still I wonder why I don’t understand.

This is not a poem,
it’s a loss of answer.

School only the escape
from what is,
what isn’t
and what will never be
until all that’s left is

what?

I listen to you,
and it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart in places
my words cannot scale.

Just your heartbreak;
over and over, rinse-and-repeat
sorrow in my ears
as I walk through my days.

This is not a poem,
it’s a loss of form.

Temporary I know,
but the world often disarms me,
when I am in most need of
my bow.

I jumped right in
I tried to swim
But i wasn't floating
I was falling
I flailed my arms
Up
Down
There seemed to be no direction
I was so used to gasping air in
I didn't realize it would let the water in
Now I'm with you
It seems like there is no direction
I try to talk
But the air disappeared from my lungs again
I feel like I'm drowning
You make me feel like I'm drowning