.

Eat to live
or
Live to eat
These are the choices laid out in front of me
Example A:
-Eat half an apple, throw the rest away
My mind is full, but my stomach is not
Dear Girl,
You've had enough today
                                 Sincerely,
                                     World
My stomach is empty
But I'm still growing out
Maybe just one more bite...
But don't forget the calorie count
It's ok, I'll just run later tonight

And then, there's Example B:
-I'll have this waffle, with a shake, and maybe some fries,
Who cares what I eat
We're all going to die

But as I shove Example B into my mouth
I can't help but hate that I'm going to be stout

i lay awake at night
and
listen to the sound the rain makes.
it spatters onto the ground with such purpose
that i can not help but feel jealousy in the pit
of my empty stomach.
the rain knows where its going and where its been.
i wander, confused at who i am and who i'm going to be.
i crave the feeling of certainty.
to know if i'm going to pull the string attached to my lips
and pull it into another forced smile another day.
i lay awake at night and
wish to be a drop of rain.

you scare me.

not like elliot scared me -
he was frightening because of the sweetness of his smile
you are frightening
because you are a sweetness that lies

your calm
cool
demeanor
the way you laugh,
call me silly pet names
puts a bad taste in my mouth
a sick feeling in my stomach
ryan,
you are a wolf

it's been almost three years
since you sunk your teeth into me
i came close to forgetting
until i found an old conversation
started second guessing
even though i had made a note
that said
"never let yourself again,
red"
i
read
it
and now, once more
the lamb has walked into
the lions den

its been a month
since a blade has touched my skin,
and as i was taking a shower,
i shaved my legs and
i accidentally nicked myself.
i watched as blood
dripped down my leg.
i looked at in awe,
i know i miss the feeling,
maybe one more scratch wouldnt hurt?
but, thats where i stopped,
i didnt try to nick my leg again,
i didnt let the thoughts get to me,
i won.

another day down,
a whole life to go.
{dear god that sounds awful, huh?}

I caught myself missing you again
last night in bed
I was trying to sleep
without the thought of you next to me
I thought of what we used to have
and how tender and rare it was
We should've nurtured it
and fixed our love
But we both gave up
This sounds so washed out just typing it but
You were my best friend
and with your love I started to love myself
Now you're gone
and I have no one
I have nothing