Everyone always tells me how lucky I am.
How I have so much ahead of me.
How I'm so pretty,
So smart,
And so funny.
But I look at myself and see nothing.

I see an empty,
Numb,
Tired,
Bitter girl.

They say it gets better.
But so far,
It's all been down hill.
Like an avalanche.
A personal avalanche.

So tell me,
Am I really lucky?
To be born in this death trap of a life?
Am I lucky to never sleep?
To be constantly afraid of what might happen?
To be so numb?
To have so much hate?

If this is luck,
Then I'm sorry for all of the other lucky people.

People always say:
"To find where your heart is,
look to where your mind goes when it wanders"
But when I look to where my mind goes,
All I see is chaos,
And destruction.
Is that what I really want?
To be torn apart?
Day in and day out?
Maybe my mind is confused.
Maybe it can only see what it's fed by the media.
Or maybe that really is where my heart is.
People ask if I'm scared by that.
I always say no.
But deep down,
somewhere I won't let see the light.
I'm terrified of the real me,
So I'll stay hopeless.
Still searching for more