I remember the first time you Said we will be best friends
I scoffed at the idea me? Having a best friend? No
But you showed that you were I told you my darkest secret
Thinking you would bail after Hearing the awful story….But
No you stayed by my side Sticking to the idea that you
Will be my best friend. You have been there at my good
The bad, and the downward Spiral. You were my lighthouse
In the mist of the storm giving me hope to see the land

Those days where we went mini golfing and me making
Fun of the way you played and beat you on the last hole
Sinking the ball in a hole in one and winning free ice cream
The days when I invaded your study hall, lunch table, locker
Just for a laugh and to see you to do our signature pose
When we went to prom and had a super great time dancing
Picture taking and making memories that stick like paper to glue

I’m hours away, miles apart but I know you will be there no
Matter what. You’re the single most blessed thing to ever
Happen to me. Every night I look at our goofball picture
From homecoming and look at how great high school
Was, but now I’m in college. You are my Un-typical spirited
silly cheerful white girl and  many things have changed but
One thing will never change in my life and I know it
I love my best friend.

I walk alone                                                                                                              All in my imaginative realms                                                                                 Like an adventurer who looks for                                                                           The impossible in the possible ...                                                                             I walk alone                                                                                                              All in my dreams ,but                                                                                              I find only horrible nightmares ...                                                                           I walk bare-footed                                                                                                    All in my impossible kingdoms ,but                                                                       I find only uneven ways in front of me ...                                                          I walk alone                                                                                                          All under those heavy rains ,but                                                                         I lose my pretty umbrella over there ...                                                              I walk alone                                                                                                          All in that gloomy darkness,but                                                                         I find only scary shadows near me ...                                                                 I walk alone                                                                                                          In the realms of my words ,but                                                                           I find only emptiness over there ...                                                                       _____________________

I'd like to be lovely to you, again
I'd like to matter to you again
I'd really like to receive flirty texts from you again
I'd really like to be the girl you tell your friends about again
But you've changed
And I hate your friends
I'm no lovely, you were lying
And as pretty as the lie was, I'm done with your lies
The truth is, I never really mattered to you
Girls don't matter to you, you play us like we can't be hurt
I don't even want to matter to you, because you're messed up dude
You're a liar, and a cheater, and faker, and an *******
You are fake sorry, fake understanding, fake trustworthy, fake caring,
You are fake.
I don't need your ****
I have enough of my own
I really believe, by the end of this year, I can be happy again
Like I was two years ago
And the only real way for me to achieve that
Is to not get mixed up with you again.
I'm not tangling my emotions in your words
The truth is
I WILL NEVER BE HER
So don't waste my time
Stop texting me
Stop telling me you're sorry, you're lying
Stop pretending you knew me
And stop believing me when I say I'm fine
Goodbye.
Just know, I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself
But that being said,
even though I'll never be her
*She will never be me

I watched you out in the open
Staring at nothing
Mouth sewn shut
Eyes glazing at the world.

Your beautiful face
For once is not comical,
When I so badly want it to be.

The roots are climbing up your body,
Keeping you firm on the ground.
Now you can't run to me,
Hug me, Kiss me
Or tell me you love me.

Tears run down my eyes
As my feet carry me towards you.
I run my hands along your body,
Feeling only fabric,
No sign of life in you.

If you knew I was there
You showed no emotion of it.
I bite my lip as I watch you,
Watch you ignore me,
Like I wasn't crying for you.

I wrap my arms around your stiff body,
Feeling my heart race,
But yours still.

Do you not love me any more?
Do you not feel the same?
Please talk to me,
I miss you so much.

I'm sorry for erupting into an angry mess,
I'm sorry for taking it out on you.
I'm sorry if I was not good enough,
But I promise you I will.
Please don't give up on me,
I still love you.

Time ticks by,
But your eyes are still black buttons,
And your mouth is still stitches,
Your body is still sewn fabric,
And your voice is still silent.

I cannot bear the truth,
It hurts for it to sink in.
I don't want it to be true-
Please, tell me it isn't.

But as the seconds go by,
And you don't respond,
I realize that I cannot do anything about it.
It must be true.

You've turned Scarecrow on me.

I'm going out for a bit
No, just up the hill
I won't be long
Don't worry
I know it's dark out, but I'll be okay
I can see the house from there

Of course what I mean is

I need a break from my family
No, I'm just going somewhere quiet and dark
I'll take as long as I need
Leave me alone
Yeah, of course it's dark, that's why I like it. Just shut up and let me be
I'm not even far away, you're overreacting!

Six missed calls, but I have my earbuds in and my music blasting
The same song on repeat
I came to write poetry, maybe some song lyrics
This is the pen I stole from the library
I scribble with it but the stupid thing won't write
It's freaking Broken
Now I know how He felt
He stole my freaking heart just to find out that it was already Broken
I hate being Broken
All I wanted was to come here and write
But I get lost in the tune
I finish drinking my sugarless chai tea that I brought with me
Every time I tip my head back to take a sip, I see the stars better
Forget writing, for just half an hour
Forget life
Forget school, and work, and deadlines and everything
Just forget it all
Let it go
Look at the beautiful stars
Pulling up my knee high boots
I get over my paranoia of being watched, or stalked
Nobody is hiding behind the tree or in the shadows, waiting to pounce
No one is going to attack me while I'm sitting on this bench in the darkness in the late evening
I'll be fine
I watch the winter frost along the tips of the grass sparkle and shimmer
The stars are so magnificent
I put the same song on repeat
A song that doesn't tell a clear story, but I can relate to any situation
I've listened to it since elementary school
And here I am years and years later
It is still saving me from myself
I am feeling broken and hollow
I hate myself, I hate life, I hate hating my face, I hate feeling so worthless
But forget that for a minute
I stop checking the time and I ignore the strange looks I get from the residents in the windows of the houses surrounding this little park area watching me and wondering why I'm out here so late all alone
I'm ugly, I'm cold, I'm stupid, I'm a waste of space
I don't deserve life
I don't deserve to talk to anyone
I don't deserve to annoy anyone with my existence
I don't deserve respect, or love, or loyalty or happiness
I think this daily.
I feel bad about freaking cars having to go to the trouble of stopping for me even when I have right of way at a crosswalk
But I have on my black comfy leggings
My black tank top,
My black slouchy cardigan
My black knit tuque
My lips are still slightly stained a faded red from this morning
My eyes are heavily outlined in black
The black is comfy for me
It makes me feel safer
I blend in with the night
I feel happier when I put all the black I have inside, on the outside instead
It's always better to externalize the darkness
Somehow, even though it looks pretty depressing, it helps
I stand up and begin pacing
I turn up the music and inhale, deeply
The winter air bites at my lungs, stinging my skin with its bitter icy fingertips
I let the cold seep into my breathing
To freeze all that burning self-loathing
I force a smile on my face
Somehow, in this dim starlight
I can see Peace so much better than in the sunlight
I breathe so deeply in until I can't intake anymore air
My lungs are at their limit
The smile I'm forcing stops being forced as the winter air and the music's melody washes away all those horrible Broken feelings
A strange feeling overtakes me as I wander around, pacing in spirals with my head tipped upwards, my eyes dancing along the constellations and the shining moon
Maybe the moon isn't whole tonight, but it still shines bright
Maybe I'm not whole, but that doesn't mean I can't shine bright
My phone is ringing, but forget that.
I can't stop smiling, I'm walking around in curvy lines my eyes staring up in wonder, my arms slightly spread
I'm happy
Oh my gosh, I'm happy
I almost laugh, I can't believe the burden is lifted.
The car pulls up, and I realize I've been gone longer than I meant
They've been searching for me.
They're angry, but I'm inexplicably happy
I smile and nod, then saunter home, my music still playing
The Happy feeling doesn't linger too long, but even when it fades out,
For the rest of the night
I'm left in a neutral state
Not *my neutral state, which is just sadness,
But a happy person's neutral state
Truly not unhappy
Peace.
That's all I wanted.
And I got it, tonight.

an ex ******* addict, ex whiskey lover, ex lover, ex mother
I tried to forgive her
about leaving her family for drugs and alcohol
momma knew I tried
it hurts her