Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, substance abuse


the ceaseless agony
she endures and endures and endures....
until the burdens force her knees to give
everything weighs so heavily on her
and in her desperation
what else could a suffering mind do
but frantically seek refuge
earnestly pursuing escape....

the meds aren't enough
the pain cuts through them
so she wonders....
how many could she take?
two... three little white pills?
might it help?

she knows they'd notice the missing bottles
but she longs for a heavy intoxication
a dumb bliss
a few hours of happiness
let the pain melt away
replace it with stupor

so she considers lesser options
she could binge eat for mild pleasure
intertwined with heavy guilt
she could **** herself
oh right.... she can't because of the meds
nothing else offers her any feeling
she seeks emotionally charged art
music, poetry, shows
but it's not enough
it's never enough

so, in her desperation
when all else has failed
when the agony is unbearable
no solace in sight
she opens the drawer
in the safety of her room
uncaps her tool
sterilizes the edge
sets the metal to her skin
and drags it across
'til she drips red

Why are you so sad, dear?
What burdens tug on your heart?
Draw tears from your kind eyes...
Why are you aching?
I can feel it in my soul

You’re not well, my love
Come here
I’ll hold you for a bit
Wrap you in a warm embrace
Feel the consistency of my heart
Feel the strength in my arms
Let me carry it all for a stretch
You don’t have to do it all alone

Though I know you can, my warrior

But I can't watch you do this
Destroy yourself
Slowly, subtly
I've noticed
And it makes me very afraid

Despite what you believe, darling
You are really quite lovely
Your presence a treasure

You are exquisite

Sweetheart, just rest for a bit
Can you do that for me?
Sit with me
Tell me everything on your mind
Release every tear you've been hiding
I'll just listen
I'll just be here with you
Until you're alright

i've made myself sick
my stomach turns in knots
i haven't eaten...
in a long time
and i just keep pouring
more and more chemicals
down my raw throat
because maybe one
will make the demons
SHUT UP
for a moment

Everything is empty
My being is void
A singularity has drained my soul
I feel nothing at all



ha... it’s getting darker...

There was a version of me
That wanted this
That wanted what I now have
Doing all the “functional” things
Looking alive
But she never could have anticipated this
I hate it
I don’t want it

ANY OF IT!!!

Take all this **** away from me
Just let me live
I know I’m betraying her
I’m betraying her dreams
I don’t want to give up on her
But she was misguided and confused
And now I’m suffering for it
I don’t want this
I don’t want this life
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t

TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!

My heart screams
As the first tears in ages
Well up in my eyes
But they won’t fall
Because I’m not that sad
There’s too much serotonin in me
And dopamine
And norepinephrine
Because I’m ******* drugged
And I want to WEEP
But... I... I can’t...
I’m just unsteady
Unstable
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

I AM NOT OKAY

Trigger warning: self harm


And here we are again
Another day lost to depression
There's so much to do
Can't clear my head of this noise...
I just want to spend some time
Taking care of myself
Or enjoying something
But I have things to do
Work to be done

and i know how to do it
i can quiet the noise
it's not hard
just a bit messy
i just... i just need a little...
a few delicate slits
right on the wrist
shock me back into existence
jolt me back to reality

i need it
i need to bleed for a little while
to clear the fog
to quiet the noise
to get me to focus
to get the work done
i... i have to...
i'll sort out coping strategies later
'cause right now
right now i need this.

I feel the storm rolling in...
Dark, swirling, MASSIVE

terrible

Lightning crackles within
Neurotic energy of the storm
Painful and powerful

In my chest,
In my stomach
The press
                 ure
                         bui
                                lds

Can’t get comfortable
Can’t stop thinking
CAN’T STOP THINKING

I want to

SCREAM IT OUT

EXPEL IT

BANISH IT

if only it were that simple...

I want to write it all out
Release the floodgates
But instead
I let my emotions be dull
Blunted
There’s too much withheld
Take it slow, dear
But I want to feel it all
Something
Or go all numb
I don’t know...
I just... I can feel their echo
Thoughts, emotions
I know what I’m trying to feel
What I ought to feel
But I can’t...
Can’t quite reach it...
Like it’s shrouded
Under a thick fog
I just want to feel like I’m supposed to...
Caring can be challenging...
I’d kind of like to give up
Give in
Surrender to apathy
Can’t seem to decide...

Loneliness is a knife in my chest
It hurts and bleeds

Lol

I’m too ****** up
I’m damaged
I hurt myself
I make it worse
I’m generally ****
And there’s really too much to fix

So yeah...
I get pissy when you tell me
“Oh you’ll find someone...”
And mentioned “when you get married...”
But what if I ******* don’t
How about the reality I’m ******* facing

I’m not pretty enough to have my personality overlooked
****... c’mon I know I’m not pretty at all
I’m entirely emotionally unstable
I’m too defensive to not be a *****
(There’s too much at stake)
I have absolutely no clue how to have a relationship
I don’t know how to talk to people
I don’t know how to meet people
I don’t know how to have fun
And I basically want to die 75% of the time
And maybe I ******* should

There’s really nothing right with me

shadows cloud the deep crevices of my mind
begging for their evil to be carried out
their very presence causes pain
a constant droning in my heart
as i try to ignore them
to stand my ground
they tighten their grip
and unsheathe their swords

some days i can raise my shield
but here's the thing.
One can only hold up a shield so long
One can only withstand so many BLOWS
GET OUT OF MY HEAD
please... get out.........................
God, I'm feeling   w      e
                                                    a   ­                                     
                           ­                                       k
Take the pain AWAY

.......

or..... if you could at least let me access.....

......something..........            anything.......­............

    A        N          Y           T         H            I                N             G   !!!!!!!

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It’s empty
It’s cold
Meaningless void
But at least if I bleed
I know I’m alive
I’m real
I exist
They just don’t want me

tw suicidal fantasy



This is the last time
The knife will never again leave its drawer
Not after tonight
Not by my hand

I’ll take it out
Unsheathe the tool of my end
I just... I just wanna...
Hold it against my skin

There will be no restraint
Not this time
I’ll dig it in as deep as I can bear
Tear a horrible **** in my arm

I wanna feel the agony
Watch myself bleed out
Until it gets foggy
Until the room starts to sway

Then, I can lay myself down
One last time.

Why does everything make me sad...
Good things make me sad...
Seeing people happy makes me ache
Everywhere I’m in pain
Because I really don’t feel okay
And I know people are figuring things out
They’re finding reasons to be alive
And every time I see them
Enjoying being alive
I am reminded
That I don't want to be

I don't want to think straight
Because all that's ever gotten me
Is the coldness of reality
Existential aching
Loneliness and grief
But I've been crazy too
Fed lies by my brain
Paranoid beyond function
Paralyzed by indecision
Why can't life
Why can't my mind
Why can't people
Ever just be gentle?

I lost myself the other night
I didn’t think it would happen...
I didn’t think I’d have to choose so soon
But I had the chance
Finally an opportunity
And I gave in
Because I wanted it.
My mind was made up years ago
I’d decided to finish the bottle
Long before I started it
So I forced it down
More and more...
Feeling ill
Giddy
Relaxed
Finally something nice...
And when I’d already gone a bit too far
I went a little further
The gently swaying hotel room
Began to spin violently
And honestly....
I can’t remember much of the rest
I blacked out
I knew I would
I’d decided long ago.

And though my stomach protested
I just kept going...
You begged me to eat
Insisted I slow down
Drink some water
I listened a little
But I was determined.
You had to hide the rest
Because you knew I’d try and drink it.
My first time truly free
And I was out of control
I’ve wanted it for so long....
And to my dismay
It was everything I’d hoped for

I was dying
Losing my mind
Killing my body
And it lasted so long
I forgot how to be alive

I spent so much time
In that awful place
I made it my home
I hated it, but it was mine
Until I escaped

From a surge of bravery
I got out
And everything got
So much better
Way too quickly

But then it started to fade
The excitement wore away
I started to remember
What dying felt like
And I needed to mourn

So here I am
In this place in between
Not dying anymore
But not euphoric either
I am just here

I don't know how to mourn
When no one else can see
That I'm hurting
Because I'm not dying
I'm fine, but not quite

Haunted by memories
Of what I was
I wander through these days
Wishing I could escape
This place in between

God wine drunk is ******* ideal

tw self harm



My skin is decorated in scars
Adorned with marks
Of battles lost
Nights surrendered
To the blade

Each night they come to me
The thoughts
Temptations
Don’t you wanna see it again??
Don’t you wanna watch yourself bleed?
And I just...
I trace the scars along my wrist
Along my thigh
And remember the weight
Each and every line a burden
Something I have to carry
And if I have any fight left in me
I won’t make it heavier
For myself to carry tomorrow

I love you
Truly, deeply
You aren’t afraid of my scars
You show me your own
You don’t hold back
You treat me as an equal
And I don’t know how to express to you
That I absolutely adore
Everything about you
You are my love
My platonic soulmate

tw self harm



My wrists burn
Like steam that must be released

I can do it
I can let it out
I can stop it
I can stop it all!!!




But no.

I’m not supposed to do that

I’ll have to tell my counselor

I’ll have to hide more scars


So... I guess I just have to sit here
Wait until I can feel the pills working
And let the steam build under my skin
Burning, yearning to be set free
Oh what a lovely sight...
To watch
The garnet droplets
As they pool on my pale skin
And with every stroke of the blade
I want to drive it deeper

No drinks, no pills
Just earbuds in LOUD
And... I’m happy
I’m enjoying it
I’m enjoying something again...
It’s... it’s been so long...
Tonight I feel like I might just be okay

I think I've gone and got myself addicted
To sadness, to desperation, to tragedy
Broken, aching hearts
Twisted stories
Heart-wrenching songs
Poems wrapped in darkness

I think... I think it helps
Maybe it makes it all worse
But I like it
I don't feel so alone
When I'm surrounded
When I stuff myself
With external tragedy
So that my own demons
Don't get lonely

My mind is a tub
For this, I write
I'll try and explain
Why I seem to delight
In typing my pain
Night after night

You see,
This tub is filled
Constantly
With pain instilled
Inside of me

But in addition,
Poured into the blend
A kind of fruition
And things that mend

I recently learned
How to pull on the plug
For which I had yearned
Forever to tug

Bursting out
In stanza and rhyme
Came all my doubt
Fear, hurting, and crime

Then I could see
In my tub what remained
Was light and beauty
Now reclaimed

So on I write
Of terrors and fear
To put up a fight
And keep my head clear

I can feel my pulse in my head
Pounding, banging, aching
I just need a little time
A little longer
Away
From this reality

Took another one
Cause they said it might help
Might cause bad stuff... we'll see...
What’s done is done
Once you swallow, you can’t go back
Now I’m properly medicated
Drug away the depression
Just to survive

Last night I saw it there
Lingering beneath
The thick emotional fog
A creature, a monster
A suppressed storm
Writhing, screaming
Bruised and scarred
Full of old memories
And I was so relieved
To pull the fog back over
And bury it in the night

When everything is numb
My heart starts to grow cold
I'll do anything
Absolutely anything
For just a moment
Of pure emotion
And if I can do it with words
About destruction
Fantasies about pain
Despair and insanity
But not hurt myself
I suppose that will do
It’s not perfect
But it could be so much worse

I felt again.
Panic set in
I wanted to crawl out of my skin
I couldn’t breathe
Guilt flooded my mind
Self loathing skyrocketed

Music so loud it hurts
Passion pouring from the speakers
Inside my ears
2:00 AM
And I danced
Wildly
And I smiled
Honestly
And I enjoyed
Thoroughly
The only thing missing
Would have been a partner
But until I find one
I dance alone
And absolutely love it

I... I think I’m relapsing
I’m unsteady
Unstable
The aching in my heart
Won’t quit
It’s empty
My body tense and shaking
I’m still in control
It’s not like it was
But it’s not a good sign...

I think I understand now
I’m not looking to die
I’m just looking
To be reminded
Why I am alive

How does one live
In a world like this?
All I want is to scream
I want to fight this world
I want to fight this evil
Thoughts about injustice
Distract me from progress
The useless progression
Of human knowledge
Rendered null by infinity
Because there's so much more
And I want to seek it!
How do we stay still
While we watch the world burn?
But it was always meant to burn!
And it was always to be
At our hands
All we do here is die
We wither and rot
Until our last breath
We worship plastic
We crave poison
Of course we court death!
Of course we flee this despair!
Of course we watch our flesh bleed!
Of course!
Because that’s what we do
When we rebel against hope.

Okay, God
Let’s do this
You and me
At it again
I’ve forgotten what I knew
Lost my purpose
Got caught up in my desires
I don’t want to lose myself like this
Remind me who I am
Remind me what I’m doing
Remind me how to love you

tw self harm




I’m so tired...

I just want to bleed

To sit

To let my body go limp

And to let blood

Run

Down

My

W
R
I
S
T
.

.



.





.

There is no hope here
Only pain will be found
Suffering is abundant
Every mere smile matched by
A devastating heartbreak
Sorrow surrounds us all
Taking up residence in our souls

There is no hope here
We are all dying
Screaming in agony
For all we’ve lost
For everything we’ve destroyed
Our world is irreparably broken
And it’s all our fault

There is no hope here
We court demons
Craving our own demise
All with a smile on our faces
Because life is good
Our day was fine
Everything is going well

There is no hope here
You won’t find it
Hope doesn’t come from this place
All we have to cling to
Are the promises of the One
Who does not reside here
Who reaches down to save us

There is no hope here
But, we were not left in this place
To writhe in the agony of life
We don’t have to
We choose to ignore and refuse
The only real hope we are offered
And instead return to the world.

My heart aches
I can’t survive being alone
It’s such an empty existence
Everything is meaningless
No one is around to care
But I’m really ill
And I’m only getting worse
What do you expect
When the invalid is left
To care for herself?

I’m working
I’m trying
I take my medicine
I bandage my own wounds
But the more I patch myself up
The more I wonder why it matters
Why should I bother getting better
If no one even noticed I was ill...
If no one seems to care...
If I don’t really care anymore...

Drive the knife straight through my heart next time
Because I’m bleeding out so slowly
I can feel every moment
You could’ve ended it faster

Slowly, sneakily
It starts creeping back in
Right around midnight
As the medication fades
As I prep my next dose
I feel my past
Hovering over my shoulders
Threatening to return
And just the thought
Fills me with so much fear
I rush to my little orange bottle
And wait for its serenity
To bring me peace again

I drink desperately
I take the bottle, the glass
And I pour.... and keep pouring
Because I’m running
I need to get away from myself
I want so far from my head
I drink fast and deep
I want to feel it now
Keep going to feel...
I just want alcohol in my veins
I don’t want to feel anything else
I wanna be dizzy
And just for once
I wanna be happy

I'm so confused
I crave my own demise
But believe I have a purpose
I know I'm loved,
But I don't want it
I chase after highs
To capture escape
Then savor the crash
The pain, my justice
And honestly,
I'll do anything
If it makes my mind
Float away
From the tempest
Within my flesh

I feel safe in the night
Surrounded in darkness and a cozy blanket
Dogs sleeping soundly
The world is my room
And it’s all only mine

No one will open the door
They’re all also themselves
And I can finally breathe
With the weight of the day
Of their burdens
Of the household
Of my burdens
Off my shoulders

I can feel my heart
It’s pounding so hard
I went overboard
That was probably one too many
80 mg more than I needed
But man, I feel alive
My mind is wild
I’m so high