I used to believe in God.
I used to go to church and say the prayers.
I used to sing the hymns and read the stories.
I used to have faith in a higher power.
I used to believe I would go to Heaven.
You never understood.

You never liked church and you thought prayer was useless.
You rolled your eyes at the hymns and laughed at the stories.
You put your faith in yourself, in your family and in me.
You said Heaven was on earth and right by your side.
I never understood.

I used to believe in God before you died.
Church held no answers and the prayers didn’t work.
The hymns couldn’t heal me and the stories annoyed me.
My higher power took my faith and threw it in my face.
But worst of all, worse than anything else, I knew Heaven was a lie.
Because the real Heaven was on earth, and you were torn from my side.

Ever become lost
until any desire to find
or be found
dies with the sunlight?

That shone world
suddenly distant,
further than
small dying memories.

Better to be
separate and away,
for I am not them.
I am not
you.

See, these eyes prefer
darkness,
the blank sheet challenging
to create light.
So shut them
to see.

I
I've loved your eyes
Like a sailor loves the sea--
Wholly, without regard for safety

II
I've loved your smile
Like an infant loves her mother--
Effortlessly, without end

III
I've loved your laugh
Like a bird loves the sky--
Freely, and without judgement

IV
I've loved your touch
Like a drowning man loves the air--
Greedily, without thought

V
I've loved you
Like an astronomer loves the heavens--
With wonder, and respect

I wish you were here, You *******.
I want to beat you up so bad
For all that you have done
Then I want to cuddle you close
Because I miss you.

I want to see you cry so badly
Because I want you to feel what I feel
But I will kiss your eyes and hold you tight
When you are asleep
Because I still love you.

I want to **** you so bad
Because you do not deserve to live after all that you have done
But I will be by your grave every second of my remaining days
because I will be missing you madly, truly, deeply.

I want to throw you into the darkness
Because i want you to live the way I am living
And will always be living
But I will slowly glow for you
Because I still want to be your light.

I want to see you bleed so badly
Because you drained all the blood in my heart, killing me.
Maybe after that we can be ghosts together
Invisible and in love.

Only you, colossal idiot, can break me and hurt me this bad
And it should be mutual
So I will protect you from everything else
But myself.

To be
a footnote
in the life
of the one
whose story
you wrote across
every inch
of skin,
is perhaps
the greatest injustice
of all.