Hate - black hate -
moonless - starless
- deeper than your kisses
consumes me

what if this is really
all that love is

a limp handshake -
shattered illusions of
dreams

they still hound me.

Alice, you said -
what if it hurts?

What if makes your skin crawl?

What if? What if the trace of a fingernail
steals your soul and...

Emily, I said -
your soul is such an easy thing
to lose

I paced the floors, waiting

the entrails of my heart swarmed

the spot where we'd last kissed

a muscle memory, so ordinary

and ordinariness

will be the death

of us

He is, within me
hollowed and hoarse
as the sand creeps
grain, by grain into our shoes
a molecule, they call it
a moment.

we left the ***** lights of the city.
for what? to blossom, to bloom
as if we were mere buds and yet
we are already older.

as the waves roar, like thunder
lapping the shore.

He had a tattoo
instead of a knife or gun,
that much I knew.

I was naked and edible,
dark cherry lips, parted, legs
spread, open to anyone,
starved, famished.

I moulded into his touch,
fluttering and spluttering.

My ribcage was empty,
I killed my heart when I said,
'I don't want you
like that.'

The ashes are still hot.
When daylight breaks
they are sifted like
stones in search of
diamonds.

There is nothing precious.
Here.
Anymore.

His tattoo, pressed
against my *******,
rising and falling
as his tongue swallowed pieces
of myself I was yet
to taste.

As he plunders, I imagine
all the places I visited as a girl.

I wonder if I ever truly left
the photos where I was once young
and whole. Whole.

in a way I can never be again.

I wonder if they live inside me still,
inside these shattered bones.

Summer days of warm breezes,
writing my name into the sand,
cocooning the letters in hearts and never,
not once, thinking, 'I am alive.'

As I lay naked on this rough
carpet, bleeding and *******
over myself.

As I learn too late
that words said can exist
without meaning.

I think of those summers,
long ago.

I can never go back but, really,
I have never left.

Bite through my dark
lips, taste the cherry (red)
that sits there like
an invitation

kiss me like you
used to kiss me,
forget the ghosts
that now lay
between us

the boxes full
of bones, tongue
the ulcers, unafraid
to leave traces,
traces of cells

hold my mouth
in your mouth,
just for tonight

and let the skeletons
settle and sleep
in your arms

I can taste
the metal
of the sky,
steel stars and
aluminium moons,
iron gates,
shielding hearts like
a rib cage, but ribs
break
and the iodine smell
of broken skin
seeps into the
floor, like a blood
stain
bright red at first,
but dulling to
a ***** brown
I am Eve
before the apple,
my snake
merely butter-
fly and I can
see Adam, reach
his hand towards
me, lips smirking
as he feels me
twist, like tin
foil, away
from his
waist

Uncharted territories, rain stained skies,
sea waves washing pebble beaches

We sit, hand in hand,
fingers finding hearts,
clenched like fists

We fools, we reckless fools,
shirt sleeves entwined,
trapped, like golden
braids of hair

Starlit shadows,
moving in a moment of time,
together

Or not

What mysterious still lurk in human bones,
what demons remain hidden, waiting, waiting
to pounce

and what Angels too, sing from muscled cages
tongues dipped in honey

what answers lay hidden in blood,
a flash of silver away from being
discovered

does my heart beat out a song or a warning

do my pink lungs map out a battle
or tell the secrets of everlasting life

It is life, she reminded herself,
when the moon shone black

Always life

When it comes down to it
I am the light that falls
That fails, as the tide rolls in
Where I am trapped in the body of
The favourite child, gone to seed
Turned black and blue with the weight
Of sadness and the knot in my
Stomach as I grow inch by
Inch into a shadow
Where I will stand in the mouth of
An angel singing and the voice will
Cut down to your
Bones

They said I had my grandmother's eyes
Cynical and bright, never watery
Like theirs

I saw her once, baking bread,
Kneading dough with floury knuckles
Into the shapes of her children

Did I come from that batch?

Could I trace the crumbs back five generations
And see a man in Victorian dress treat a lady
The way she deserved to be treated

Is this who I am when I'm begging?

Bleeding on a bathroom floor, in the moments
When I swear I could reach out and touch God

Is this void theirs?

Chewing my fingernails, playing with the flesh
Between my teeth, tasting myself

Or when I haven't washed my hair in weeks
And my skin shakes against my bones
Like loose leaves clatter in the gutter

I have my grandmother's eyes

I am kneeling
on a cold floor
concrete eating into
my knees the sky opens and

I am shuddering in cold water
a bathtub full of freezing
water, counting down the seconds
till I become a ghost and

I am shaking in the corner
the ocean in front of me
as far as the eye can see is
blue seas and waves that wrap
like leaves around a tree bracnch and

I feel the glass under my feet
break like a heart, crystalised and
frozen and

I hear human voices pull me
backwards, one last stand,
one last throw of the dice and

I oblige
with my life,
with my very last breath and

I fall
into the warmth
of a whisper
a whimper
a bang

At playtime,
we skipped hand in hand
making whispered pacts of
forever

when the bell rang,
we ran towards the sound
or maybe it was away
from it

it doesn't matter

our breath would smoke
as we hit the cold air,
our shoes would catch and
click along the pavement

as we went

the weight of our secrets
would press through our skin,
through the soles of our feet

as we placed them, one foot
in front of the other foot, onto
the tarmac

leaving footprints with our pain
but we didn't care, as long as we could skip,
hand in hand

tomorrow

My fingers are long, wrinkles
running their length, their colour
vibrant, blues and purples,
overlapping like the feathers
of a brilliant bird

I am on the outside now,
looking in. I see myself
planting vegetables at
seventy, tulips and roses,
the dirt wraps around my hands
like a second skin

I shall gather a garden
to me, hide in the creases
of plants, the call of my
name shall shake tree
branches and yet
I shall not move

I will sit, filthy and
fragrant, fold in on myself
like a house of cards and
listen to the whisper
of the wind

Where the land splits between us
the sea wears your name like a bell,
ringing, ringing out to me, I come
grabbed at the navel, by the sound of
your syllables, you are here now,
you are everywhere, the heat in the
sun, the prickle of air against
my neck, we share a cigarette
you don’t smoke, do you?
you will smoke like a forest fire
burning out slowly, across acres
of scorched land, you grab me
by the ankles, like a hand from underneath
the bed, that nightmare that we all share,
that monster we’re too old to believe in
we believe in it now

My mouth is made of glass
that breaks each time a word
hits it, my hands break out in
Boils each time a finger touches
their flesh, my eyes are made of waters,
that break like waves against the sand,
my ears are made of rocks from which
mermaids sing out, invitations to anyone,
my heart beats like a caged bird,
timid and alone, so utterly
alone

My father wanted me to marry a barrow boy,
he imagined the smell of oranges going
before me, everywhere, my dresses
drenched in citrus

We would pick the best and sell the
rest, holding them in our hands like
precious gems, we would eat them
in front of each other, juice
spilling from our lips, we would
lick the pips away and swallow
mouthfuls of flesh

My father wanted me to marry a barrow boy
to keep the fruit of his labour
alive

Our bodied are built
by billions of tiny, red
hearts (within hearts)

I love you
despite infection

my intention is to
swim in the sea of
your blood

and find a tiny, red heart
of my own

I imagine my body changing
Swelling, spreading, the edges
Of me never ending, flesh
Meeting flesh, lips locking,
Eyes tilting, red wine swirling
At the bottom of a glass

I imagine my skin melting,
Peeling back to the back
To the bone, rivers of
Veins running around the
Heart of me

I imagine holding you to me,
Blending our bones into
One

Imagine

In the hospital I am drinking coffee
from a plastic cup, it’s edges have melted
into my hand, we are one, the coffee and my hand

There is no time except the movement of two
hands, in reverse, the movement of one hand
chasing down the other, in reverse

There are plastic seats that scratch through
the cheap cotton covering my legs,
they are thin, worn leggings, covering my legs

The doctors pass in secret, we are not supposed to see
to see the doctors pass, in secret they move like
ghosts we are not supposed to see

My grandmother is not yet a ghost
she has flesh still, incandescent and bright, it is on fire,
it glows pale incandescent and bright

they walk towards us, the doctors, these ghosts
and we see them, these ghosts, these doctors
we are not supposed to see

we go to her, my grandmother
incandescent and bright
she is glowing in her hospital bed

already an angel, an angel without wings
the wings that she has are burnt to her back
she won’t be flying anywhere

she is sinking, sinking into her bed
incandescent and bright she blends into
the white sheets
seamlessly

we watch her, sinking seamlessly into the white sheets
we watch her burnt wings crumple beneath the
six stone weight of her

when she stops breathing, we all breath
in and out, we smell the charred bones
that death left, with each breath
we take in what’s left

we leave the hospital bed, the itchy chairs
the ghostly doctors we leave behind
our coffee cups, cut free from our hands

we breathe in each step, our skin
burning for fresh air,
we walk step by step

and the light from the street is so
bright, so incandescent
and bright

She smiles through the smeared lipstick
Glass,
The smile of a lover torn away at the
Heart,
Sad and gentle, she fills the red outlines with
More,
Crimson circles of time touching
Flesh,
She empties the bottle into the
Glass,
Fills the amber nectar into her
Heart,
Warm, embracing, she yearns for
More,
For a hand to reach out and touch her
Flesh.

Hold me, she said
don't fold under
the weight of
my heart

It was different this time,
we were drifting together

The distance between us roars,
oceans of salty waves washing over
skin and seas that stretch further
the the naked eye can see

Years pass and I remain
buried, no air to breathe
and my skin cracking
as it feeds on it's
own hollowness

You can **** me, she said
but you can never ****
the fact that I still
love you

This is her reflection
poisonous to herself
eyes meeting memories
and cracked glass that
threatens to break

Let's tell tales
tall enough
to make Pinocchio
blush

It doesn't matter to me
but you still matter
the most

When Pandora slammed the lid shut
you smiled, smelling freedom

There's a spot on your neck that I
love

a swollen redness that promises
adventure

an imperfection that teases as it
dances

I stare and stare, fingers itching to
touch

I reach out, palms sweating and
trembling

it feels nothing like I imagined and
yet

at the same time
everything

I know the storm shakes
between her bones, the
roars of oceans racing
home, the reach of
hands across yards of beaten
apple trees

scattered debris leads from
her heart to mine, and I
sail into the
eye

fearless

and cool

waving black clouds

being brave

you
with your passionless
kisses and empty
promises

are the
reason why I stand her
at nearly thirty, empty
and aching

with my
back bent like a cigarette, crushed

under
the weight of a heavy boot

feeling
nothing but the air on my skin and the

way
it burns like a bomb
exploding

These are the bones
he buried around my
bed

the fibula's of former
lovers, fractured to form
frames

to fit the shape of us

My lungs spread themselves
like sand, filled with hot air,
pulsing and pink, fluttering
like butterfly wings

the white ripples of wind
beat down on me,
the sun, yellow hot, and
smiling

my heart is too huge
for this earth, a clenched
fist, red and beating

against the waves that
crash against my skin
like the sky

I try to rise

and find

that I cannot

All rivers run to
the sea, but we play
on their banks
like children,
threading daisies
through our fingers,
grass staining our nails
killing time with knitted
knees, we sit
toes dipped into
the water, cooling
the prickled heat
of our skin

We have lost sharing secrets at midnight
between our shadowed hearts dancing
patterns on black walls

always, we were chasing
darkness and now we have
been caught

up in the balance of time, losing
ourselves momentarily to the
light

Darker –
a shadow that starts
at midnight, growing into
the early hours
like a creeper, crawling
walls and windows,
longing to touch
flesh

Emptier –
the words that pass
between us like
vacuums, hollow and
echoing, they are the
fossils of
love

Simpler -
we have stopped fighting
the current, bending our
bones to make
sculptures, we exist in
the quiet places
between body and
soul

Stay up all night
and whisper secrets
to my ear

let our star studded
sighs fill up
the night

let gazes between
this heart and
mine

flare like cannon
fire across the
sky

and let deep
lungfulls of love
raise our spirits
like whiskey kisses

breathing, believing
in ourselves when
we wake

All she needed
was to know that
he would awake up
next to her each
morning with a
coffee and a
smile,

knowing that it
would be exactly
the same tomorrow

I would hold back
the sea with my
bare hands

If you asked

For him, love
was a river of
blue veins running
like rivers under
her skin

She'd heard it said
that love was a scar
that stretched like
a smile, a cherry
red corner of
a mouth, pulled
wide, teeth
shattering as
they are revealed
individually,
white porcelain
cracking, and
lips barely moving
as they whisper
in time to a
heartbeat, beating
I love you

As your mouth moved
against mine I saw
new suns burning,
new plants rising,
sea mist dancing,
my whole world
folding into the
reflection of
your eyes

Words hatched like baby bird
from yellow eggs

and in the confusion
of new birth

he could whisper through
the chaos

knowing that his mouth
would never be found

to be the catalyst
of earthquakes

that shattered the Earth
to it's core

You are the light that lingers
at dusk, pink skies blending
into the silhouettes of
ancient willow
trees

You are the taste of honey
in the morning, sweetly
kissing my lips, extracting
my dreams

You are the simple life
of wine and whispers ,
books read under a canvas
of leaves

You are the similes and metaphors
that make my own face
wrinkle and
cringe

The words that stick to my
teeth, and pull

You are me and,
sometimes,
I am you

I fumble like a
frightened bird
shaking, I try
to tell you

No

does it leave
my lips? A fierce
kiss and the
words are swallowed

Whole

and my body
with them, arms
and legs bending

Twisted

a tree branch
in a hurricane
what chance do
I stand?

lying beneath
you, my blood
trapped in your
bones

the world covered
in shadow, eyes
pleasing, thighs

Bleeding

You won't remember
this, darling, it will
be a story in your

Head

A fiction

A fraction of
a person

Cast out forever
from the

Whole

You can break
my skin with your
teeth and let
the blood sink
in like a gentle
whisper of love
across an open
sea

I accept my own weakness,
what choice do I have,
but to admit my weariness
and dimmed hope

the sky is dark and damp
drinking the light out of
each star, consuming the
flames that flicker
across the universe

I am breathless,
each breath has been
taken. Inspected,
deemed defieict

I have nothing but
the clothes on my back,
a loose white cotton dress
frayed and torn, dragged
back each time I tried
to run away

I will walk up one day,
in a pain perhaps so fierce
it shall sit in again molecule
of air, each pore of my skin

I sigh, I am alive
but less so I no
I know death is no
longer in reach

for years, sitting at
opposite ends of rooms,
of words, knowing that I
only had to reach out
my head to hold his

It's all gone now,
that company,
the hours of counting
down my breathes
one by one

I am alive, undoubtedly,
and I have no weakness
of health except what
burns in my heart,
which boils in my blood,

my lust

I imagine a hook
entering my
side

an eye

senses warring
blood and
muscle

nerve endings
frayed

it was a simple
touch,

the hand of a
man

broad and
bearded

rough skinned,

you could imagine
his fingerprints

worn down by
years of
scrubbing

bricks,

building houses
for children to
grow up in

raging walls
instead of
wars,

each goodnight
kiss fiercer
than the
last

the side of
my face

fitting perfectly
into his
thigh

I imagine a hook
gutting me

like a fish
bones pulled

mercilessly apart

spat out of
mouths

stuck
in people's
throats

I imagine a hook
piercing me

blood leaking
out of

a pinprick

ears, eyes
and nose

quietly, very
quietly

it puddles at
my feet

before I pass
out

I imagine a hook
holding me

by the neck

an example,
a terrible
warning

drained and
empty

I imagine a hook
imagining me

We talked of fuselage
floating on top of
an ocean

waves consuming
us as we frantically
tried to reach
out

lingering onto
life as if it was
the same thing
as love