It’s time that I wasn’t
your possession

a coin in your wallet

a doll for you to dress up
and manipulate

into any position you like

I am restless in your collection
of figurines

I crave independence

and a voice
of my own

the ghosts in my head
are taunting me

calling out to me
in the middle of the night

all of my secrets
laid bare

I have tried to exorcise them

but each time
they return

laughing

refusing to leave me
in peace

they will haunt me
until I die

and join them

we still have time

for one more cigarette
over coffee at breakfast

for one more glass of cheap
red wine in the evening

for one more conversation at 4am

for one more kiss at midnight

for one more letter
we’re too afraid to send

we still have time

but the clock is chasing us down
like a reaper

we must be quick
before we don’t have any time

at all

like my midnight dreams
I sleep under the moon
and know the names of each star

when I am awake
the sun burns my skin
and the blue skies drown me

I know I belong to the night

You can pass my heart through
the eye of a needle

it has shrunk so much since you left

I am amazed that it still beats

still pumps blood through
my thankless body

the nightmare of waking back up
to this loneliness, each day

is killing me

and I pray for my heart to shrivel away to

nothing

and cease feeding me

life

I have the power of a God

so what chance do you think
you stand?

when you cheat and lie...

I could break you

slice you in two

the way you’ve sliced my heart

(in two)

but I still love you

so I shall give it all up

just to wake up to your
sleeping face

for one more morning

one more greeting of a fake

“I love you”

My father hated him
at sight

Stolen glances from behind
his crystal whiskey glass

He prefered the last
one

Tall and dark and
strong

A real man

The kind of guy that looks
like he carries photos of
his kids in his wallet

With spare twenties and
condoms

My mother keeps
quiet

I know she liked him
too

But she noticed the bruises
and fat lips

She knows the smell
of pressed powder
over black eyes

I really was her daughter
back then

A broken bone bond
between  her child

She hates that I got
out

That I refused to carry
on their name

She looks at the new guy
whose arms hang over my shoulders

My father smokes cigars
and sighs

Trying to work out if his hands
could make fists

If his knuckles could
smash against my skull

He can't stand to see me
with a man who lets me answer back

A man who gives me his coat
when it's cold

He likes to see a mirror
reflecting back his
brutality

Telling him that his daughter
is safe (in a way) from
the wolves that walk the pages
of fairy tales

It's that time of year again,

The air is warm,
breathing delicate
wisps of breeze
across my skin

I was cold
inside my heart,
shrank and barely
beating

My head is my own
theatre, frames flashed
and frozen, projecting
every still

I try to put the ghosts
to rest, bury them like
bones in a garden

But they wake up,
like vampires,
when the sun sets

Words catch in
my throat, lungs
take in their fill
of air, but there's
not enough oxygen

To feed my brain.

like a depraved, wild thing
I ripped my heart from my chest
and slammed it on the floor

“there!”
I said!

do your ******* worst

for I am no longer tied
to all that once kept me alive

I will rise from the dirt
like a sunflower

growing, growing, reaching
for the light

when I yell at you to leave
I am desperately hoping that
you’ll hear the shaking cries of “stay”
hidden beneath my scream

when I pick you up on
every
little
thing

please know that I am only
scrutinising myself over every
mistake
I’ve
ever
made

when I ignore you for days
please know that it is because
I am too busy speaking to the
anxiety that calls myself
her friend

know that I don’t hate you
that I only hate myself

The only beautiful thing I have ever seen

is the reflection of my eyes in yours

(and you broke the mirror)

seven years bad luck

(for both of us)

Love is a language
my head cannot translate

I have studied it for years
and still I do not understand

phrases and words
that would make other peoples
hearts dance and sing

kisses on the cheek
seem alien and obscene

I know I am crushing
a part of myself through
my failure to grasp

what the person standing
before me is saying

their eyes wide and wet

but my throat is dry,
and I cannot hold a conversation

in this strange language they call love

and maybe one day you will see

that I was standing here all along

waiting

waiting

waiting

I will **** you if I have to

to bury any evidence that I
once loved you

and God, I think it would be easy

to take a knife into your heart,
and twist it

as you twisted one into mine

I was fooled by your lies,
gentle tricks of the tongue
that came so easily to you

how I hate to be associated
with your wicked words

and to see the mouth
that uttered them, alive

Lord knows it would be easy

to drive a stake into your heart
and **** the vampire that ****** me dry

she was born
with starlight in her eyes

but could not see it
until he looked into them

we were bodies on the ground
decomposing into the earth
into the soil where roots are planted
that grow and bloom and blossom
back into life

I curse the thunder
that tore us apart

I am drowning in the storm

the rain runs cold,
right down to my bones

you used to be my anchor
but now you’re just a ghost

haunting my heart

I’m walking through a dark forest

trees caging me in
with their branches

it is the forest of my heart

beaten and bruised
until there is nothing left

but a small red *****
that anyone can hold in their hand

and destroy further

branches like bars
and trunks like locks

the forest is unforgiving

but I must walk through it
every night

in order to reach daylight

I have shattered the bars of love
that have caged me all my life

each lover burning scars into my heart

their promises of love shining
like stars in my eyes

their gentle words of kindness
like a noose around my neck

and I hung myself with that rope

every time
another came into my life

but no longer will I be confined
by fake words

and fraudulent hearts

I will stand on my own two feet
and thrive like a root planted
in the ground

blooming into something
beautiful

You’re just a body
between me and the stars

an inconvenience
of flesh

a bundle of nerves
that don’t touch me
like lightning
anymore

and I don’t even
miss you

you’re just another
hopeless dreamer

but I don’t share your dreams
now my dreams reach higher

to the stars

In a cage
sits a bird
whose wing
is broken

yet it’s heart
is whole
and it’s
song heavy

with sweet melodies
and soft tones
of longing

It is the song of freedom

that it sings despite
never knowing
and never hoping
to see

The beast within me is hungry
and thirsty for my joy

he feeds off my sadness,
it multiplies inside him

and spreads into my bloodstream

until even the water I drink
is tainted with bitter tears

sadness
sadness
multiplying

there is nothing I can eat or drink
that does not feed the beast

I have tried to drown it
and poison it

but still it survive
indestructible

the beast is feeding off me
until I am skin and bones

and I see no choice but to
learn to love this beast

and make peace with
this ravenous part of me

If you were thunder
I’d listen at my windows
as they shake

and deep down inside
I’d feel that roar
and something
would stir to its call

If you were lightning
I’d stick my chest out to the sky
hoping for you to strike my heart

that bolt reviving an *****
long dead to the world
creating live in me again

when you are a storm
my body rides it out
powerfully in tune
with its eye

Like a blade of steel
is my shame

for those words said
throat wet with whiskey

tongue dancing out
a pattern of pain

to rip into your chest

at the end of the day
it was my fault

I live with the regret
of losing you

over a careless,
drunken slip

and sometimes I feel like
that blade of shame

will pierce my heart
and **** me

and I’d deserve it

light slips through a crack
and for a moment I believe
that there is hope

until it is eclipsed by night
and I revert back to believing
in nothing

please, please take me home
swigging ***** from the bottle
on abandoned streets

grabbing me by the wrist
and flaunting my deepest
darkest secret to strangers
dressed in black

maybe I should have locked
the door, as you placed the first
touch on my frozen body

I don’t move, as you take my
innocence, inch by inch
with grotesque hands

please, please take me home
away from this house you’ve
bought me to with ulterior motives

I wake up a different girl
seeing the world through
a grey veil, all has turned to
dust and ashes and

I just want to go home

I remember late night conversations
with you;

the taste of wine rich on our tongues
gentle orange glow around our fingers from our cigarettes

I miss them more than I miss
your touch upon my skin

more than I miss your
kisses upon my lips

midnight skies the backdrop
to our putting the world to rights

I ache for those early morning hours

they’re so quiet now,
a deathly hush over what used to be
alive with fire and passion

you can keep your caresses, your kisses
just give me one more night of
splitting our hearts open

together

The whips of time are chasing me

crashing against my back
until my skin splits and bleeds

there is no escaping their advances
torturing me to walk onwards
towards the winter of my life

when I was so settled in the summer, soaking up the sunshine
and loving the feel of my hair blowing
in the warm breeze

onwards
onwards
onwards

the whips of time are beating
out their drums

a chilling song that freezes my blood

my back is pouring, now
as I walk to their beat

and I know I must accept
my own death

before they force it
on me

your feelings
are from thrift
shops and flea
markets

second hand and
well worn

frayed around
the edges

a hole in the sleeve

a hand me down
heart

how can I believe
anything you
say

as truth

when the same
words were
once kept

on a letter
close to the
chest of the

girl before

I wonder when the infection started

when did that darkness
in my heart begin to grow

like a vine, wrapping around
my arteries, until it became them

blood flow cut off,
until I couldn’t feel my fingers

was I always this cold to the touch?

freezing to the point that
I may as well have been a corpse

depression, they call it

darkness
despair
death

it pulls at my veins, like a tug of war

and it wins, every time

I slip away into dreams
of when we were together

into memories of
your touch upon my skin

scorching as starlight
and just as beautiful

doubting myself,
I walk through the roads of regret

until I reach
your outstretched hand

and know that I have found
my home

in your arms I am infinite

Come and listen to the sound
of my skin,
you will hear the regret
that lingers on it

from the brushes of his fingers
through the fine hairs on my arm,
that embarrassed me,
but he thought were delicately beautiful

you will hear the sighs
he buried in my neck,
after being up with my nightmares
for the third night in a row

he said he didn’t mind,
but those sighs... those sighs...

you will hear the sting of his goodbye
that hit me like a tidal wave,
straight in the stomach,

it stung... it stung like a fierce bee
who had nothing left to lose
by leaving its sting
in the skin of its lover,

hear my skin, hear that sting
it buzzes, hums, vibrates...
my skin is alive with venom

don’t listen for too long,
it spreads

A morning scene dissolves around me;
blue skies pierced with delicate sun rays
The taste of coffee and cigarettes
rich on my tongue
I have been up all night again drinking
and smoking until the packet is empty
I promised myself I would not
grow bitter in my sadness
But once a seed has been planted
you are not in control of how it grows

You may think I invited you in,
with my kind words
and a cheeky grin

that I accepted your drinks
and bought you ones in return

but when the alcohol wore off,
and I found myself in your house

how did I get here!?
and why can’t I leave?!

I must stay, as you press my back
into the sofa,
and I can’t breathe
unless I

swallow

when I run to the door
and fumble with the lock

as you stand behind me
and laugh, suddenly grab

me and drag me
into your bedroom

force me down on the bed,
cover my mouth as I scream

was it the grin?
asking for it!
did the grin deserve it?

my kind words were not an invitation
for you to destroy me like this

I imagine them ringing in your ears, justifying your actions

but my grin has faded
and if it ever was inviting
it’s vanished, now

We bask in winter’s glow;

watching the snow fall,
each white droplet filled
with the ability to heal

we drink hot, sweet tea
from steaming, striped mugs
each sip burning our tongue and eroding the bitter taste of last night’s arguments

Spring will come,
and the world will be reborn,
and our love reborn, too

but for now, we don’t need the sun

when the chill cleanses us of our harsh words, and the snow erodes our mistakes

When words are not enough, I cry

and in crying hope to unleash
some of the burden that nails me,
like Jesus to the cross

and set free my spirit,
divine and infinite

into the world where ghosts walk
and haunt my sleep,
but I hold hands with them, also

and we walk blindly into the moon
moon child, bright and brilliant
white light coursing through my veins

I cry, but tears are not weakness
and still I stand strong

The first pill was bitter
and stuck in my throat like lead

I had to force it down,
like swallowing sand

The second pill was sweet
and slipped down like honey

I barely noticed it,
deceptively sugar coated
and innocent

The last pill broke apart
in my mouth, powder on my tongue

I felt every milligram disintegrate
like my life

I swallowed

I swallowed

I swallowed

I have plucked the ***** roots
of my past, covered in black earth
and dead leaves

and replanted them somewhere
plentiful and green, where gentle
flowers may tentatively start
to bloom

I’m old enough to understand
why the seasons of my life must pass
the way they do,

Spring came bursting
with daffodil promise,
and the cries of lambs
signifying rebirth,

Summer was messy;
mistakes were made in love,
men that didn’t deserve
to call themselves men,
scorching black rings
around my heart,

Autumn was best;
as I shed the burnt orange leaves
of pain and left myself bare
to the elements, standing strong
and proud. Unshakable.

I approach the winter of my life
with apprehension; though I am not
afraid to die. I will enjoy the snow,
the sound as it is crushed underfoot.
I will reflect on my loves and losses,
for I have had my share of both,
and enter the last breath of my life
with no regrets

The inside of my mind
is like nails on a chalkboard

a hideous screeching sound
that I try to drown out
with whatever I can touch

my heart skips beats so frantically
it amazes me that it does not stop completely

the razor, the liquor, the pill
sing to me seductively in my sleep

there is an echo of a memory stirring
about it being time to make a choice

and this is the choice I must makelive in Hell or die in Heaven

it’s not much of a choice,
until another memory stirs

telling me I am worthy of being
on this Earth, and it is more beautiful because of my tenacity

to endure
to overcome
to survive

and that to live, is the bravest choice of all

It's that time of year again,

The air is warm,
breathing delicate
wisps of breeze
across my skin

I was cold
inside my heart,
shrank and barely
beating

My head is my own
theatre, frames flashed
and frozen, projecting
every still

I try to put the ghosts
to rest, bury them like
bones in a garden

But they wake up,
like vampires,
when the sun sets

Words catch in
my throat, lungs
take in their fill
of air, but there's
not enough oxygen

To feed my brain.

The moonlight pours down on us
like silver nectar

encasing us in a glowing
white hum of magic and mystery

the stars shine like precious gems
each one worth more
than their Earthly wealth

we are the silent lovers,
the keepers of night

and all its secrets buried
in our lips

shared only between ourselves
in a midnight kiss

I am counting down the days
until I can see you again

each square on the calendar
a gift to open, springing
longing from the present
into the future  

as we draw nearer to a time
where we can hold hands
and gaze out across the river

its shimmering blue surface
as perfect as if it were painted
and us, painted too

lovers entwined
in a sweet embrace
hands and lips
and eyes locking
tight

a blissful reunion
of the heart

If I could reach into your chest
and pull out your heart

twist blue veins around my fingers
and taste red arteries between my lips

If I could caress it gently
and coax out the words you never said

would that be love?

when your blood pours from you
and gradually makes its way
to where I stand

and I still stand, unflinching
in the crimson pool about my feet

would that be love?

Forever

I never said it, but I felt it,
with every fibre of my being,
every hair on my arm
and cell of my skin

I know you didn’t,
and that’s okay, too

we are not equals in love
nor are we meant to be

I want to make you cry, he said;

not by breaking your heart,

but by showing you the beauty
that you hold behind your eyes,

that I see every time
I look at you,

that I know you cannot see
for yourself

I am not sure who I am anymore,

they say depression
is like being at the bottom
of a black hole, unable to see the sky,

but I see the sky,

the sun burns my skin,
and the stars taunt me
with their promises of sleep
that are never meant for me;

I am sickly sad
and I’m not getting any better,

my heart is full and cracked
from the strain of carrying the scars
of a thousand wounds ,

I cannot stand with a heart
so heavy

and would you really blame me
if I made it stop?

and in a second
there was nothing

not even a star
between you and I

and standing on the precipice
of making the biggest mistake
of my life

Oh, unnecessary beauty
that twists like the waves
of a deep blue ocean,
rushing to shore
to cover a stretch of sand
with it's white foam,
only for the coast to bend
like the elbow of a lover
encasing the sleeping head
of his sweetheart,
indecent, unnecessary beauty.
It is in the fall of rain
on a hot summer's day
arrogantly waiting for the rainbow

there is something sinful
in the way I look at you
a temptation to devour
that is basic need
basic greed
I do not wish to look at you like that
but I can’t help myself
your hair that catches sunlight
in the same way a city catches the light
on a sleepy, spring morning
your eyes that to look in,
is too look into the ocean
as dark and infinite and wild
I may be sinful with
my cornered eyed glances
but I think my intentions are pure
in that I only wish to hold you
and call you home