The things you’ve taken from me
cannot be counted,
cannot be listed,
cannot be measured

like the passage of time since that day
where I have stagnated,
the taste of my own blood

still rich upon my tongue
and other tastes that are not mine,
now belonging to me

a memory torn to pieces
yet burning with white hot precision

I have buried myself in blankets,
drink, drugs and denial

but I cannot change the truth
the bloodied, fleah torn fact
that you were once

inside me

The stars were just lights in the sky
until you became one of them,
burning memory in the midnight sky

memories that I took to bed
and hid beneath my pillow
because they too

burnt my fingertips every time
I dared touch one,

how can one shine
so beautifully bold outside,
and inside be so deeply buried beneath
layers of regret, shame and grief?

the evening rain
gently washes the scars
that hum like a wire
under the moonlight

we are rooted forever
with one foot in yesterday
and the other shaking
with agitated anticipation

not knowing it’s next move
preparing to take
a leap of faith into

tomorrow

I scan the sky every night
for your star,
the one that burns with your memory
and name,
I kick myself that I cannot tell it apart
from an infinity of stars scattered
across an inky black carpet

But tonight, a single star shone alone,
brilliant and bold, and I felt
an unseen hand on my shoulder,
squeezing out the tension of grief
that had been held there,
for so many months,

and the star’s sigh merged
with my own exhalation of relief

I tipped
a bottle
of midnight
black ink
onto a fresh
white page

inhaled, exhaled

and carved patterns
out of the chaos

etchings that
would be the
start of my
first chapter

without you

I carry the unfixable
in the cavity of my chest
where my own life used to
beat

if I stop  talking about him
he will die all over again

if I do not
say his name
it will be as if
it never existed

so I carry
his memory, his lifeblood
sacrificing my own

and talk
and say
and pray

that history
will not erase him
from the pages
of the countless
who are also being

carried

as a crystal memory

When we sat in the garden
Under a canopy of wisteria
Surrounded by colour, and by life
We did not realise that as we drank our coffee
We were sipping time from a chipped cup

Each mouthful another week less
To spend with you
Talking and debating about everything
Under the sun, falling out and making up
ALWAYS making up

Each bittersweet gulp another month
Nearer the vultures
The pain of watching them eat away at you
Whilst you had to be fed by tubes
Whist I measured my days, my weeks, in hospital visits

The stench of pity all around me
As useless to me as faith
And worse, the toxic fake false positivity
Telling me everything would be okay
When you were ******* dying
I want to tear their words into pieces
Shred them to nothing because that’s all it means
NOTHING

Eventually, our cup of time ran out
Please know that I never wanted to leave you that day
Please know that I would fight lions off with my bare hands
To say one last goodbye

You are gone, and I am left
Traumatised by seeing the true horrors of cancer
But holding on to the fact that the last thing we said
To each other was “I LOVE YOU”
And I am loving you always
But always longing for

One last hug
I’d give up a thousand tomorrows
For one more hug
Nuzzled into your neck
The smell of your hair
The feel of your shirt
The beat of your heart
The steady rhythm of your breath
Soothing my fear

How can someone so alive
Suddenly disappear?