I go through phases of cleaning
And I mean cleaning everything
Your room, my room
The entire city
I could clean and clean
But still feel *****

I'm becoming OCD
Obsessive Compulsively Dicking around
What's gonna happen to me,
When he finally gets out?

It's not like I look in the mirror
and see something I don't want to see
But I can't help but feel just a little *****
Ever since he touched me
When I didn't wanna be
Touched

A three month sentence
For a life long pain
If it wasn't for my strength,
He wouldn't even know my name
He'll never know hers
               or hers
                    or hers
But I made sure he knows mine
I wonder if in just three months
He's had enough time
To remember my name
For the rest of his life
To remember my name
As I unconciously recite his
I wonder if he missed his kid
If he called his mom
Or if she called him

Twelve people sat in the jury that day
And I wonder how many of them
Truly believed that three months
Was enough time
To bring justice
To anyone
I wonder if even one of them
Would change their mind
If they heard what I had to say tonight
If they could hear me
I'd make sure they knew
I spent two years
Believing in a justice system that never came through
That I'll spend the rest of my life
Wondering, trying to be tough
Wishing I could finally get clean enough
And he got *three months

I can't forget you
you linger in my mind
without a doubt
my heart can't find
the strength to let u go
the courage to let u know
or the might to show.

I have dreamt about u
cried myself to sleep at night
it's been one tough battle my heart has to fight
because u belong to someone else and I to another
I've been hit hard by a love strong and true and just can't recover

Painful it is loving u
torture it is missing u
but how can I reveal a love so forbidden
but yet so real
and so I keep hidden the way I feel                                                                        I have loved u in the life before this one,when I first saw you ,from the start
but I have no other option but to hold you in my heart.
Forever

I'm in love,
that's all there is to it,
the feelings will never end,
she's beautiful,
her soul's filled with goodness,
you'll have to take my word,
I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

One
I wrote you a love letter
Hid it in your binder at recess
And prayed you'd never know it was from me.
It hurt when you called it silly.

Two
You're behind bars because of me
I don't feel guilty
Because you tried to take my innocence.

Three
You were the one I'd spend eternity with
When I was in 8th grade.

Four
I never thought I'd love a girl
You had soft hair and lips
But I always confused envy and lust.

Five
You didn't understand my metaphors
Or the things that interested me.
I just didn't understand why you did so many drugs.

Six
Please tell me you'd like to see me again
I had a beautiful night with you
And I'm a sucker for boys who write and play guitar.

Seven
You are so handsome and you are so dull.

Eight
I'll always want you
But the butterflies that used to flutter in my heart
Are now eating it apart.

It is on rainy days that I miss you the most.
The drops splashing against my window
Echo
Echo
Echo
Through my empty aching heart.
I can still feel the imprint of your body on the left side of my bed
Where sometimes I roll into
Roll into you
And fit there the way that we so perfectly do.
Your sweatshirt embraces me
Drowns me in you
Where I'll float in your warm arms.
Oh god
I can't breathe
Missing you crashes over me like a tidal wave
Raindrops like gunshots blow holes in my serenity
I need fresh air
I need your sweatshirt off
The rain should be like icicle knives
But they're
Butterflies.
Pitter patter fluttering on my face.
Raindrops wash over my skin
Stripping away my insecurities
I feel clean.
I feel your fingers sliding over me again.
Gentle and healing
I still miss you
On this rainy Saturday.
I glance into a puddle
Oh there you are my sunshine
You're never too far away.
Your heart is always holding mine
But still it is on rainy days that I miss you the most.

Why am I always bereft of the thing that I seek the most?
I always seek a willing soul
A soul who would entreat my own
And I the same
I, the slave of my nerves
A slave to the pulsations of my skin
The very thing I’ve always hated
I want hate
I want to hate myself
I want inspiration
That comes from the hate that flows
So freely from my finger tips
So beautiful a thing that passes by
So ignorant of what I could say
What I could appeal to
What drunken emotions accentuated
By the feelings of night
My pointless words
My sickened intellect
What I perceive as truth and the right way
I’m sorry to everyone
All those with the displeasure
Of hearing my obtuse
Faked heart, faked mind
I’m sorry
But I’m not authentic
I’m a replica
I’m not genuine
I’m a thing so pinioned around
The thought of ***
It clouds everything else
I want this false notion of love
I want a distraction
Something that keeps me away
From the emptiness of existence
I don’t want to face it alone
There has to be someone who thinks my skin worthy
There has to be an individual
I didn’t trick
Someone with
The very fantasy of love within them
Someone as foolish as me
With fake blood pulsating through their heart
Like me
Someone with the raw, acknowledged beat of lust
Flowing through those impermanent veins
Like the worthlessness
Extending from every extremity
Nothing is right
There is no light
Goodness has gone beyond me
Genuine Morality
Only the flame of passion
Ebbs in my matter
Not that story
Not that fantasy
Only a lie
One I can’t even abuse
Everyone is gone
I feel like life
Is but staring into a mirror:
Nothingness
Abstraction
Distance
Let this failure,
This over interpretation of a life
Die in the obscurity
Of the night Time
Good night all
Enjoy your lives
If only I could distract myself
From the awful reality
Like you
I want to be like you
Where life has meaning
Like action has sway
I am nothing
And never will be.
If only love could find me.

9-11-2001

the ugliest numbers

the last minute good-byes

Sudden crash all red and black

Falling bodies thumping agonies screeching

No innocent nor guilty nor black nor white nor asian nor latino

no lines

just the blind eyes of death

fueling getting bigger becoming stronger eating and taking more and more and more and more

subdued quiet memorial

reconstruction better rise of the new

still

when this moment comes

red and black and dead

the ugliest numbers

9-11-2001