How can anyone love you
if you don't love yourself?
That's the **** they say
when someone's self hatred is getting in the way
of everyone else having a good time
I'm sorry I'm feeling so down
I wanna love myself more
but I don't think I gotta do that first to be deserving
so I stopped showing, I stopped going
and now I'm a little too used to isolating
I'm trying to find small steps towards changing
it's marathon not a race
but I still feel like all I can do is sprint
if it isn't happening over night, I'm not in it
and that's a cop out from reality
good things take time, but I'm hungry
I want to taste the change instantly
just blame it on my ADHD

Time
I always want more time
I can't get any more time
I want to crush it up and snort a line
of purely time
time that's all mine
I want to feel free and unhinged
and
I love my hair after a day of adventure,
it's dusty, it's musty
the smell reminds me of old books
holding something special within their pages
just like I hold within my strands
I don't want to have shaky knees when I stand
I want to run without loosing my breath
I want to run without it hurting my chest
and
I don't want to be treated like a vacation
I'm not your escape from reality
because I ******* live there too
I’m not something to discover
I'm don't have soil to push your flag pole into
Because I’m just as lost as you
and I've got a feeling you think you have a map
Drink another cup of coffee and wake up
This isn't a game you've played before
can't use old tactics to get her
and if it’s gonna be a game
rest assured, I play it better  
I just want more time
time that's mine
I don't have any more to give to you
I don't have any more energy to try

Our northern winter bled on for so long
the green of spring still feels like a hallucination
I'm addicted to the smell and the nostalgia rushing
I'm willingly taking the next dose
getting eye level with the soil
and snorting it up my nose
Because I want to feel this way forever
I want to feel an eternal spring
but isn't the point of winter
to feel what the ending brings?

White walls and grey cupboards
old wood frames and rubber stoppers
I'm in a new state of mind
In a new environment, but it's all mine
I'm ready to start something new
I'm thirsty and need to fill my cup
it's open in every single direction
and I'm only looking up
Cause I'm not ready to start spinning
and finding my footing
only when my face smashes into the ground
I'm just focusing on the walls around me
and learning their sounds
I'm finding my groove
after some pretty big moves
I'm learning my speed
slowly
surely

Sometimes, I still view relationships in adulthood as if I were a kid. It's important to enjoy playing together, otherwise, we will just argue and not have fun when we try to. So why push it? Better to accept we aren't good at playing together & stay out of each other's business.

Butterflies in my stomach coming for my throat
I'll never be afraid of speaking up ever again

I use melancholy like currency
it's the cost of creating what my mouth can't mutter
and then I'm ready for another hit
back swimming in beautiful, sparkling gutters
and I know I can't claim this feeling,
I just know what it means to me
and I want to feel seen
but I'm still wondering if you even hear me
so give me more melancholy
give me enough of it,
and my creations are practically screaming
if you know how to speak the language of my art
you'd know my heart
and while I haven't figured out a way to translate it
I think some might get it
and perhaps that's enough for me to keep going
I just need another hit