the reporters kept going on and on
about how shocked they were that
the cold had come after the hottest
summer on record- didn't they
know that nothing lasts forever?

i refused to put shoes on, which
didn't matter much since i wasn't
making it out of bed most days

saving you was ruining me, and
then like magic- ****! you were
gone, but the smell of your decay
stuck to my skin like the smell
of your american spirits

i drew out the demons slowly,
agonizing over each lost smoke-
wanting to really feel the
**** i scraped off of my insides

i kept picturing you, shaking
because your body couldn't live
without 7&7's - christ, who had
you become? still, your eyes were
the same, but the look you gave
me had changed, and maybe my
eyes told a different story now too

i sang sad songs to the mountains
as the sun went to sleep, tears
came one at a time, but the silence
was deafening

time spent staring at nothing as
i traveled elsewhere in memories,
whether they were real or dreams
i still can't be sure

i looked back at myself and read,
"i remember when i was lost and
confused." how ironic and presumptuous
i had been, how little i had understood
about life, about how change happens-
through acute, exhausting, and
harrowing pain

i thought that i could give away pieces
of myself and still remain living,
but scooping your soul out
is so much easier than filling it

It started with a goodbye.
It started with me wrapping up my past
in bubblewrap, as if it was fragile.
It was really so that its sharp edges would be
unable to hurt me anymore.
I decided it was better to leave it inside
my bedside table, next to the pictures and the letters.
Not to pack it in a suitcase
and bring it with me on my many travels.
But it refused to leave my side,
it followed me, like a paper plane
guided by my insecurities.
Like I was a holding up a neon sign that read
STILL HOLDING ON.
Perhaps it was a sign that I was to carry it with me
to all the places I hadn't been but longed to see.
People asked me about the big monster
that hunkered down beside me.
But how could I tell them that
I was caught up in something
I'd promised to leave behind?
How it has consumed my mind
my body, my very soul.
How it threatened to rip a hole
in the very future I was trying to protect.
Maybe I'm exaggerating
Maybe the time I spent hating every part of me
wasn't very long at all.
But it felt like an eternity
the summer, winter and fall.
Finally, spring arrived
With hopeful eyes and a big bright smile.
I shook myself awake from what was
starting to feel like a neverending nightmare,
A rabbit hole that wasn't taking me to Wonderland
I started to understand that I couldn't go on like this.
I took a hit or miss dive into the future,
And like a magician, unlocked the weights at my ankles.
Once at the shore, I looked at my past as it drowned
unwanted and forgotten,
And I realised I was no more a crinkled mess.
With wrinkled fingertips at the end of my hand,
I held up a mirror to my freshly washed face.
I smiled, digging my toes into the sand.
It ended with a hello.

Oh my love, how I miss your morning smile,
That once so pleasured my tedious long day.
Each word spoken by you a pleasant style,
Of twittering grace and luminous sway.
In all the words we spoke to the other,
None pleased such as words spoken for our love.
Each word so gentle, one after another,
Which caressed me as soft as silken glove.
But these are just shaking old memories,
Of visions so easily pushed aside.
Images that seek warm affinity,
Of other words which denied our divide.

These are my steady pictures of your eyes
Which held me focused on you as my prize.

I thought I wanted to write a poem
mistakingly I guess I'm not .
Thought I could create something
masterful
I guess that idea is shot
Like false labor pains
I  thought it was going to come
But the pains just faded away
Now I know it's naught
My muse used to dance and sing
After midnight by the clock
Lately it's been going to bed
around eight thirty or nine o'clock
So I'm left out by myself
trying to do my best
But my best is pathetic
it simply can't pass the test
So now I say goodnight my friends
As I leave you with this mess