When I was little my father
Used to take me to the beach
With my tiny baby body wrapped up in his arms and
His coat that fit the 6 foot 8 inched
Man with room for an extra 4 foot girl
Who was too cold to walk by herself.
I loved the sea only beach it
Provided the beach
Which provided the walks
Which resulted in my dad with the
Extra large, forest green windbreaker.
I didn’t care for the ice cold water
Or the frigid air
Only for the effect that It had, that ended
With me inside that forest green windbreaker.
I didn’t even really like the walk because 2
Of my legs equaled one of his
But I loved how 2 of his arms equaled
One of my 4 foot bodies.

When I tell you that you scare me
I want you to take it as the biggest compliment
That I could possibly give you.
Because people who come and go
Who just scratch the surface and leave
Are easy to deal with.
They don’t make me believe that if I cry hard enough
All the bad will be washed away
They dont make me want to kiss them for the feeling of
Time passing and not regretting one second of it.
They dont make me fall apart like
A crumby piece of cake squished by a toddlers hand
They dont make me laugh until you cant even hear
My sound let alone my words
They just don’t make me feel anything.
So when I tell you that you scare me
Its because you make me feel things in extremes.
Its because I know that there is no possible way
That I can get out of this and not be changed
I will never be able to go back to the person I used to be
Because you wont scratch the surface
You will break me, and scatter me into a million different pieces
And maybe thats why you scare me so much
Because you make it seem okay
To not be a whole
And just be pieces of undetermined fate.

When laying on the bathroom floor
With your thin highlighted hair being
Held up by my shaking hands,
I realized that you were my best friend.

She accepted love
That was torn and ripped.
Love that had sharp curves
And cut into her soft skin.
She accepted what she could steal
Because love was love.
Right?
She accepted second hand kisses
And lies in the form of promises
But love was love
And promises were promises.
Right?
She accepted affection
that made her cry.
But affection was affection.
Right?
Wrong.
Get out little girl,
Run while you still can.
Love doesn't mean
That it has to hurt
Promises don't have to be hard
Affection doesn't have
to make you cry.
He is bad
No matter the excuses
That he makes
He is bad
If he makes you feel like
tangled licorice ribbon
He is bad.
Get out little girl
Run while you still can.

I had a record.
3 years of highschool
And not once, had I cried over a boy
Not
Even
Once.
You my dear,
Really ****** that one up.
3 months and 14 days
After you pinky promised
We'd try, and that we would keep each other
In the loop
You forgot to tell me
That your "jesus loving" " babe" existed.
So now I'm left
Thinking I was special
And that you were different
But actually I'm just an emotional teenage girl
And you're a ****-faced *******
Whom I wasted 8 months and 14 days loving

Our cluster of disfunction consists of
wake up and miss you
get up and text you saying i ****** it up again
Understand that in order to make up
means you can't **** it up
and then you realize that you are being held
to certain expectations.
This is were we crumble
wake up dread you
get up ignore your texts asking how i am
Understand that if i ignore anymore of your texts
this will be over and our nights of quoting jack johnson
and eating red gummy bears cause your ******
and me eating green ones just because they taste like fruit
will
be
over.
And every ******* time,
i give it up.
I willingly sacrifice my wits to over thinking
to the little things that make my brain turn and turn and turn
and let them spin and spin and eventually explode.
And then i tell you.
I never lie even though you think i do.
i promise you on my dead dogs grave
i never stopped loving you
i just can't put myself in a situation
like so many times before i am nailed to a stake that has all the things
people expect from me taped to my vulnerable body
and i never stopped loving you
but see i never started loving myself
so the trust you have so kindly filled me up with
just drains out because i have holes in my feet
where the faith seeps out and fans out into a pool similar to blood all around me.
And now we start again.
Wake up and miss you
though this time i don't have the luxury of talking to you because you hate me more than i hate myself.

People value grades and numbers
Like an under-confident teenage girl values her make-up.
Both are always at hand trying to prove themselves
Something that their not. The only difference is one hides
The physical lacking, and the other hides
The personal lacking. Status doesnt equal opinion
It doesnt equal thoughts or qualities.
It equal the amount of space that your brain has left
To memorize other peoples discoveries.
Value the things that are already taking up space
In the remarkably capable brain of yours.
Voice the things that you’ve tried  to replace
With equations and vocabulary because  
Nothing haunts us like the things we don’t say.