throwing my farewell party today
leaving everything I know and love behind

trinkets in the basement

finally going through all of my things
parts of me hiding from myself

all the clothes I secretly got for when I felt better
a reward I never gave myself

there is so much that is hiding here.

bags of clothes
hobby items
entire lives, buried underneath my attention

this place has taken so much from me
and is so much I have to pack.

we both had much to do
many people to say hello to
offset in our arrival

it hadn’t occurred to either of us.
your friend knew my friend knows us
some combination led to both of us freezing
the church bell of our brains ringing out
“hey?”

you.

a ravine’s worth

no place to echo but in your own head
suddenly,
the entire room heard it.
“hey?”
unspoken, deafening.

“hey?”
of all people.
of all the second floor humid apartments.

“hey?” you
and him. and them.

better fits.
but you? here?

a word began to open our mouths
clumsy, hesitant, but doting
a word full of everything.
every wet night,
starlit dream
every fist bruise
every pang — guilt, pain, loneliness
a word so full of meaning
that absolutely nobody but us would understand why
understand how so few letters could carry so much weight
spelling out:
forgiveness
embarrassment
regret
assurance
and a final goodbye.

a goodbye spelled
“hey”

i believed in the feeling of moisture on my skin
as if it were the air telling me
"the heat is over. you are safe, now."

the yawn in the back of my throat
curious to see what captivated me
despite the secondhand smoke
the smell of matches
unwashed hair

the highway is only ever two lanes
but the stillness of the world
before stepping foot into a sanctuary
gave me something.

maybe not a purpose
or even something to enjoy
but it was something, where i had nothing.

the dew upon the fall
the end of a season of learning
the start of a season of fighting

well, i guess it kept me going.

“your hands are cold...”

what else to say in the face of a lifetime?
hearts being tugged against all better judgement
judgement revoked against all odds

I have never felt the burning revelation
of suddenly knowing, without pause
that this is perfectly and candidly correct
meant, even

I have only felt bursts of confidence,
yearning, uneasy progress
I have felt the veins rip away
from the source of the pain
I have felt my image shrink and unravel
realizing my frame, my spectre, my form
is most undesired

I long to be faced with the boldest proclamation
Earnest honesty
So unmasked it cannot be faced
So striking that all I can say in response is:

“your hands are cold...”

it’s not that I am taken aback
nor am I anguished

I had done my mourning
the funeral was quiet,
myself and the proctor alone on the loose dirt, water, and grass

I sat on the biting, soggy ground
the mud and my feet creating suction
I thought it might agree to take me, too

and I swore
that I would never let another
be taken by that heavy, wanting earth

in your Golden happy after
it is clear to me: that death was justice.
almost as if the hands of fate slapped my own
scolding me for squandering what they
had worked so hard to bestow

a home, a family.
the names you had to avoid
with the minty aftertaste of liquor
weaving through the strands of air
that carried them

I will take my share to my grave,
when the time comes.

you say you don’t believe i owe it to you.

I do.