It all comes down to loneliness
constant loneliness
when no one ever understands
how I feel
or
what's going on
and God I'm so scared
it's like my lungs might explode
from the screams that threaten to
escape from my mouth
but are too afraid to jump
and all anyone ever hears is
silence
long periods of
excruciatingly painful
silence
but there are no words
to describe the horror story
I have created in my mind
it is gruesome
it is senseless
there will be no happy ending this time
I am sorry
but I tried and tried
until I couldn't try anymore
and even then I wonder if I ever even tried at all
happy is just not in the books for me
it never was
so
goodbye happy
I know you won't be knocking on my door
anytime soon
instead I welcome sadness
full blown sadness
there is no cure
for this insanity
there is no bandage
big enough
to cover the scars
and put myself
back together again
I am torn
breaking
falling apart at the seams
and it seems to me that
no one even notices
God why can't you notice
is it because I stopped praying
is it because I stopped believing
is it because I am the
filthy
rotting
ugly creature that I am
oh
I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
please just be there for my friends is all I ask
please keep my family safe is all I ask
tell them that I love them
tell them that I care
tell them that I'm sorry
oh God I am sorry
please don't look at me that way
I have too much hate in my heart
and no matter what I do
it never goes away
it never goes away
I am not the human I thought I was
I am not the person you thought you created
mom and dad
I am not like my sister
or the good people
you see outside
I am not normal
I am different
trust me
I know what I am
I see it
every day
I have never seen God
but I have seen the Devil
trust me
I have seen the Devil
it is me

Honesty
      shouldn't
           hurt,
                      Neither should love.

         But things
     don't
           always go
 as planned.

Broken,
lost,
hopeless.
We are all ghosts.
Yet we feel the pain, love, and hatred from others.
From everything we once knew.
They're more than just dreams
that never came true.
They're everything I've wanted
and so much more.
And if happiness is
making something
out of nothing.
Then I need to take this... This...
This... Feeling of
nothingness,
and fix what
shouldn't be
broken.

If life
itself
is solely based
       on finding
ourselves,
even though
there's so much
to live for.

Then yes;
I believe in
fate.
Why else
would we
waste our time
with something so
          tedious?

I take a hit of a cigarette but see no smoke.
I know it's lit; I can see the cherry red ember reflecting in your crystal blue eyes with every drag I take.
You keep smiling at me as if I just cracked a joke.
Although its beautiful,
I cannot fall for that sinister look.
Now you're telling me that you need to feel whole.
Grabbing at my hands as if I was about to let go.
And you can see it reflecting in my eyes
         That I wanted so badly
              to kiss your lips.
I take another hit and see no smoke.
Could this be a dream
          or something so much worse?

Twists and turns
Describe the spaces and races
Body processes, yearns
To learn how you tie your laces
Stars group in a constellation
Pointing the way
And through the devastation
I see them like wounds, say
Did I ever tell you
I love the blue
In your eyes.