youd explained to me
on tuesday
how we are gonna crash into the
sea
if we keep ourselves
proper stationed on this cliff
any seconds longer.
i tried to tell you
you ain't fully awake,
we already under the waves
and your cig isn't even
burning.

what it feels like to lose more than
you even had in the first place
can often and only be compared
to the ocean, and how she
destroys.

i nearly slip
climbing into my bed
my fingers grasp blindly for a cigarette
hidden somewhere
in the linen.
i feel my lungs shatter over and
again as i try to breathe
through my crying.
lone flies escape through the
cracks
how many times have i looked up
here? i think not enough
to be blind from the pain within me now
the ant crawls right up to the largest crack
sticking its little legs in
its tentative
this is a part of the world
it has forgotten that it knows
i imagine the ant is thinking
how he must decide
whether to stay on the plaster
or insert himself into the darkness.
i imagine myself as him too
whirling around
clinging to these pieces of my
life
i've known awhile now
my decision
so i take a last drag of my cigarette
put it out on my leg
a last time, near victorious
and insert myself
free and falling upwards
into the dark.

i try to breathe through this suffocation
defy my own existence in a place
that expects you not to exist but
to scream I AM ALIVE
and simultaneously hate
yourself.
and so i sing
to the early morning risers with nowhere
to go
to the low income mothers
and the babies born into smoke and sweat
the forgotten people whose names
they don't even remember
the ugly and abused and hurt and near dead
and those who want to be.
much adieu to
all of the rats in dark places.

when my eyes open
everything will be warm
my skin will feel right
and golden
not like a strange
bedsheet
when my eyes open they will
be beckoned to brightness
by the rising sun
that sets my world alight.
when my eyes open
i hope
never will they long
to shut again.