I thought that maybe if someone else thought I was worth something
For my mind or body or anything
I would begin to like myself for the first time since 3rd grade
But alas
I still haven't figured it out

I changed everything I could
My hair is short and red now
I love it
I love it
I love it
I've always wanted to have short hair
It's way more comfortable
Too bad you hate it
Go back to ignoring me

Maybe I wouldn't always feel so lost if I didn't depend on other people for my happiness
Or if I didn't depend on people for feeling like I belong anywhere when I know I don't

I mean come on
I love spiders
And I want those weird creatures from the cigarette commercials so I can breed an army
I watched all of the wrong turn movies before I turned 12 with either a straight face or a smile
I have severe ptsd
Apparently I'm slightly murderous
I can't get over the fact that my bones will always stick out and I hate it

My dad won't let me get shots that prevent cancer
Or all the other basic shots
Or birth control even if I almost pass out every time I'm on my period because I lose so much blood

I had to mother my older brother because no one else had the patience to
My dad hated that he couldn't remember ****
He wouldn't try to teach him things again after three tries
Or he would start beating him or yelling loud enough to hear a mile away

My dad wants me to prove I can do it on my own but he keeps setting me up to fail
Well ******* dad so far I'm WINNING
I get to be me
I get to play with the bugs and listen to music that makes me happy loud enough not to let me sleep
I get to pick up rocks and look at them because I am so genuinely fascinated by everything in nature
I was never allowed to collect cicada shells before now
Do you know how cool cicadas are?
There's annual cicadas which are a generation per year probably
And then there's the ones that live in the ground longer than the average dog lives
And then just for the rest of that summer
17 years for one summer

Maybe Rj would be happier if I was dead
I mean probably
He hates me for me making my life better than his
He should work on that

Burning with an eternally educated mind.
Expressing her expansive thoughts with experience but not enthusiasm.
Enchanted by her eyes and energy to emphatise with excrements.
I hope she evaluates this a day in May.
Evidence of affection as the words he knows grows empty.
The extra effort and eager exitement from this enthusiastic male from Norway.
Her name is Ellie May.
Expressing my emotions to this damsel West of Maine.

I am like a golden orb weaver
Tall and rather lanky
Thin and strong
Fierce bite if you let it get to that
Weaving my webs hoping to attract the things i want most (for the orb weaver, probably food)
But for me
The person i can simply refer to as paradise
No fear
Only Anxiety over physical contact
The very thought of that possibility stretching my mind to encompass a new thing
Hope
Oh how I've missed that
Painful silence broken by whispers asking if I'm okay and if i can hold back the panic attack long enough for a kiss
We'll see, my beautiful paradise
Because after all this time i still don't think i can hold anything back from from the best listener i have come across in ages
And I'm afraid I'm going to drive you away with the relivings of painful memories
Thank you for staying this long to try to help the mess i am
My webs have started to degrade in quality as i starve myself endlessly of water
But you must see something fine in them
To go near them to look, and touch, but never get stuck as you seem to know how to play into the non sticking threads
I hope you can manage to get to the middle where I'm sitting listening and feeling the thrum thrum thrum of the wind blowing into my low quality web making it sound like something much more sinister
I never know how to end these poems

4am
Whispered sobs and hopeless wall punching
Tired spamming
Never changes
5am
Half hour before usual wake up time
Forcing myself to calm down for the six and a half second i talk in the morning

5:30am
Says Goodmorning in a neutral voice
Goes to shower

5:30-5:42
Mini sobs that are barely audible to me
Gets shower done
Plays with hair
Saves ladybugs

6:03
Leaving the bathroom to go downstairs to scratch away with short nails for the next ten minutes

6:14
Goes back upstairs to get ready until a minute before the bus gets here
Seems calm and collected on the bus and the rest of the day

Oh how i love the morning routine

I am a really mean person
But that does not mean i cannot be kind
I am absolutely fabulous
But mostly because I'm gay as ****. Girls doe
I am very scared
I am anxious
I am lonely
I am loved
But not by anyone here

I was innocent
At one point
I was scarless
Until quite recently
I was able to do calculus
A few years ago
I was productive and active
But I've lost motivation and energy
Motivation is kind of energy
I was nice
I was quiet
I was good
Back in fourth grade
I was smart
But now not so much
I know lots of random facts
But that's not very useful in today's society
Ugh

As I go down this hill on my bike
I put my hands on my thighs
And maintain balance
And as the adrenaline rush comes in
Time slows
I have time to think
Is it worth it to do a small lean into oncoming traffic
To me it is
To my friends
Not so much
Well
I'll wait for a week