It creeps up and covers my heart
Disconcerting and uncertain feelings purge my mind
Anxieties and insecurities I’d thought I left behind
They’re back now
Sneaky and determined
They cut through any present happiness
Oozing in
Snatching and sticking
Determined to stay
Why can’t they leave?
Why do they always come back?
I feel like I’m stuck in a ******* cycle that keeps wanting to **** with me
Paralyzed with indecision, judgement, and fear
Where did that risk taker go?
Where did that confident, optimistic woman head off to?
Why do I care so ******* much what others think?
Why do I constantly feel the need to cede control in order to please those around me?
Is this adulthood or simply the cusp of it?
I can’t handle this ****
Or maybe it’s that I don’t want to anymore
It’s time for something new
My bravery to morph into the next phase
I deserve to be consistently happy
Everyone deserves happiness
I will accept and embrace my loneliness
For I know staying present can bring happiness
It is coming
It is here
It is now

Dear Body,

I reclaim our radiance!

You are a vessel,

We are a vessel.

We bring life, joy, healing, and light.

I love you.

I love us.

I trust you.

I trust us.

You are safe.

We are safe.

I feel safe.

I reclaim this feeling of safety.

For you.

For us.

For me.

I felt that feeling in my heart
When I left you at the bus stop
That sadness that occurs
When I don’t know when I’ll see you next
It hurts a bit
It feels unsure
It grasps for you
Where you were before
It’s time to leave
I look out the window
See you standing there
Tears well in my eyes
Emotion shows on my face
I hug myself
As it passes
I smile at the memories we made
Resting now
The journey begins
In the future
We’ll meet again

I felt like my heart was breaking
When I thought about you

It’s an odd feeling
Since you’re my dad

But there were the tell-tale signs

It’s a nostalgic feeling
Combined with a sadness
And a despairing emotional turn

It’s sad really
Terrifying in some ways
To think that I’m not loved

It isn’t true though

He loves me
He cares about me

I don’t think he likes me though
At least not the majority of the time

He thinks I don’t listen
That I’m ungrateful

I think he’s wrong
That he doesn’t hear me

I’ve been living here
In this environment
For a long time

I feel unwelcome by him

Yes
My heart truly breaks for us
For him

I care deeply for my father
I love my father
Yet
I don’t know how to express this
While maintaining my authentic self expression

Some days I give up
Hole away in my treehouse room
Lay in bed or distract myself

Other days I try
I speak and smile
I still go up to my treehouse room
It’s my space

I wonder if it will ever change
If our relationship will improve

I hope so
I hope our hearts mend
Our wounds heal
Our emotions open
And we spread joy and contentment
Just as the sun setting and rising spreads beauty and hope