Damian
Damian
What was wrong with me
Please answer me
Please
Damian

I dreamt of you again
But this time,
she was there
And you were happy
You looked different
But happy, yet not

I resent you
And your little tale
This sweet little lie you've portrayed for yourself
That you enjoy it with her

I don't want you to be happy
I don't want you to go on without me
I'm sick of feeling angry
I haven't felt angry for so long
But seeing you with her
Oh God, that kills me

Seeing you with the woman...
Girl...
I have many other names for her in my head
But unfortunately they're a bit too vile
The woman you slept with while I was trying my best satisfy you

Was it because I didn't give in
Is it because I said no?
Did she satisfy you more than I could ever try in my wildest dreams

Is there something wrong with me

You did love me though didn't you?
Not for long
But surely in the beginning...
Was she there all along or was it only towards the end
I tried my best
I truly did

I know you loved me
For a while at least

Am I such a ***** up to love
Is something  so wrong with me
I have standards
Is that too much
I don't want a boy
I want a man
Is that too much to ask for

You act like him sometimes
Why did I choose wrong again

Damian
What's was wrong with me

Why are you the centre of our fights
You're out of my life
But yet you're still here
Haunting my dreams
Breaking me
Wrecking my current relationship
With the demons you left inside me
Tormenting me

I hate you damian
I hate you
You don't know how much you ******* me up

I dreamt of you again...
I don't know why
I thought you were gone
Stupid thoughts
I'm such a mess

Purple sky, purple sky
Wake me up in the morn
Where sleep calls my name
Longing for me to return to slumber
I see you
Sky, purple sky
And you remind me
A new day is upon us
And I must
Wake up

Oh God
Please don't let it be
Don't let his mouth touch the bottle again
O God
I know it's bound to happen
But I want to pray for him
Even after all the hurt he put me through
All the pain
God, I want to pray for him
I pray that alcohol does not become his only vice
The only mouth to listen to his pleas
God, be with him
God please

You weren't yourself tonight
Why does everything change
When
You
Lust?

You put a stone in my palm
One that was buried in the sand of the beach
One that had a home in the sea

And you said to me,
"Throw it. And throw it far.
This represents him.
All the pain he created in your life.
All the turmoil and heartache
And the pieces of your heart
That still long for him.
Throw it as far as you can
And let him go."

Tears escaped my eyes
And I knew in my heart you were gone
I don't long for you anymore
I don't miss you
I'm not angry
Although I do feel sympathy
I feel sorry for the man you are
And I pray to God you heal
And can treat a woman right one day
The way he treats me...
No woman deserves the hell you put me through
But it's in the past
It's been a good long six months
I think it's time I let go
I think it's time I stop looking through our messages
I think it's time I give him my whole heart
Every part of me
Well, the broken piece left after all you took
You took everything I had
I gave you all I had
But he, he cherishes this piece
Although it's broken,
It is sacred to him
He's healing me slowly
He's making God the centre
He loves me... For real this time...
Not just empty words and empty promises

It's time I let you go, stranger
I don't believe I can call you by name anymore
I don't own you
You're not mine
I can't even call you ****** names
It's not right

So this is my goodbye
This is my letting go
With the stone falling into the waves
And carried into tide
Stranger,
I'm letting you go.

I think it is
One of the most glorious of things
To see
Another being so vulnerable
In the palm of your hands
Eyes staring so intently
So raw
Enigmatic
Yet so clear

Vulnerability in the morn
Ever so soft
Pillows caress softly
Gently
Smooth against my skin
And your eyes
How they stare into my heart

As I sketch this image
Of nurture
And love
As you hold me

Vulnerability
How sweet you taste under my tongue
An enigma ever so true
I love you

The beach has a tone
Of romance
Of suffocating brilliance
Crystal salt glistens on the beach
And you walk beside me
My pillar of strength
My Man of God
I love you...

We stand
The ocean breeze in my hair
And my hand in yours
Firm and strong
To keep me safe

There's something about the ocean
The beach
Something that makes me buzz

I gave myself to you this morning...
All of me
Every part of me is yours

I love you

You are mine
And I am Yours
Your bride to be...
As you say,
You can't wait
Until you can whisper
"My wife, my love..."

I gave my body to you
I give you my soul
I give you my heart
I give you my life

I am Yours and You are mine

As I say, there's something mystical about the beach
I'm glad it happened here
With the sound of waves crashing in my ears  
As you crashed into me...
Loving me ever so softly
Gently

Oh what a lover You are

I love you

I think a part of my heart is lost
Lost in a sea of oblivion
From all the hands that have let go
Of my trust
All the hearts that ache in this sad world

I don't want you to go
Please hold on for me
Stay
I can't lose another soul

We have this set of ideals
We wish to follow in life
Like science has its ideal gas laws
And chemical balances they wish to succeed
So do we
We wish to be like an ideal Gas
Although every physicist knows it cannot be
Every gas strives for this
Like us
We say
"on my wedding day, I'll..."
"I'll name my child..."
"When I'm rich, I'll..."
We have these ideals
This set of rules each of us wishes to achieve
Because it's a chronological set we're supposed to achieve
We have this plan
And when life visualises our plan,
She scoffs and laughs
Ha
Ha
You dare think
You can control me?
With your stupid ideals
That don't exist
Tragic
You are not an ideal gas
You play by my rules...
And she takes our page
Our artistic scribbles and childish naive hearts around the page
And she rips it...
But not right down the middle... No no...
She tears slowly...
Destroying every little dream one at a time
She takes a black marker
And she foils our plans
Ever so slightly
Oh but she manipulates our dream

I can never be an ideal gas, can I, life?
You're much too harsh to allow me that
Small wish.

Please can I just let go of you
Please
I don't want to see your face anymore
I don't want to think of how you used to make me feel
I don't
Just leave my mind
Please
I hate you
You've ruined me for other men
I hate you

You engulfed me
Inside you
In your effervescent heart

I recall
The thunder that deafened my ears
That called out to my broken heart
I screamed into my pillow trying to challenge you... Trying to be louder than you
Because heartbreak is a baffling whirlwind that will take you to another world
Oh my heart
My broken aching heart...
He left you...
Alone
Screaming
And now I scream my heart out to you
Pouring rain and howling winds
My heart shatters at every thunder strike
Bringing me to reality
It really is over
All that effort...
Every trial I stood through
The wind begs to come inside
Screaming
To escape from the torture outside...
Oh you don't wish to come in here...
There is a battle cry ringing
Shrieking
Squealing
Pleading to be heard
How could he leave?
After all I gave...

I wore black the next day
Mourning him as if he had died
Yet he was well alive in my heart and mind
And he still walked around
Not a care
Never caring about the trails he makes
His ****** trails in my heart
As he slashed at her
Beating her to a pulp...
She tries to beat on...
She gasps and begs him to leave her to be at peace
But he pesters on
He straddles her
Grabs her thigh
Pushes her down as she struggles to get back up...
He kisses her as tears stream down her face
He bites her lips open
And she tries to scream
But she merely whimpers...
There's nothing she can do now
His hands travel lower
And she screams... inside
This isn't tender. This is... Something else

She is
Bruised

He has taken her

Oh crying girl in my heart... Don't let him do this to you...
Don't let him keep this piece of you

O God, dear thunder, lightning and storm outside
Don't dare beg to be here
There is someone broken inside of me
Someone who yearns for his touch again
Broken girl...
You don't want her...

I hear the rain
Drenching the earth
And I,
I stay dry and
Barren
Of his touch.

Do you think
There's a possibility
I can forget him?
Can he stop running through my mind?
Can he stop?

Do you think you'll ever forget your first?
Do you think there's a possibility his words will stop running through your mind?
Is there a way that I can stop comparing to my first... To the way he touched me... The way he enchanted me...
My first...
You were the first to awaken...what is truly inside me
You fingers grazed my body... first
Your lips touched mine... first
You wisked me away... first
You made me fall in love... first

o God,
Sometimes I miss you
This week I miss you...

God, can I just forget him...

I've saved you as
"nothing"
On my phone
In my contacts
Because I'm not ready to delete your number
But
Nothing  
That's all I want you to be
I don't want to think about you anymore
I don't want you to torment me
I want
You
To
Be
Absolutely
Nothing
To me

I think of the letters
You wrote to New York
Of the women you gazed upon
And how you wished for them to be yours
How you wrote of leaving me
Forever
The things you'd say to me...
How you constantly broke me down
How you made me cry weekly
How unhappy you made me
How scared I was of our future together one day
I was afraid of you
Afraid of your hand to my cheek
Of you love of alcohol
I was so afraid of you
So under your control
you said I was controlling
Yet you have no idea
How you ruled over me
How afraid I was
Of your moods
Of your words...
I don't want to see you, Elizabeth.
You *****
You manipulative girl
Selfish
Immature
Girl
Gosh I hated when you'd call me a girl
Derogatory
You broke me
You made me your little slave
I hate you
I worshipped you
And you gave me nothing in return
But lies and empty promises
And a broken heart
Afraid to love again

You still torment me sometimes
You with your wry smile
And demon eyes...
Mouth of tales...
Man I despise
You keep me up
And you gnaw at my being
O God
Can't he just leave my mind?
Can he vanish?
And can the thirst I have
To see him one last **** time
Be quenched
Be put to rest
I don't need to see him
I scream
What is he doing
Is he okay
Is he with her
Questions run through my mind
God, i don't miss him
Not at all
But he was part of me for so long
He has a hold on me
I cling to him
At night when I have nothing else
He was my first
My first love
First kiss
First betrayal
First liar
First cheat
First heartbreak
First man to steal my innocence
And run
With no mercy
No shame
No regret
You have a hold on me
And you broke me
Broke me down
And cut me deeper
These wounds
They stay
And the pound
They've numbed
But every now and again
They burn like hell
And tonight it was one
Of those hell nights
Burn baby burn
I hate you
I truly do
Let go of me

Why do you
Still have
This terrible
Hold on Me?

I don't think cheating men
ever understand
the wrath and turmoil
they've caused
inside a woman's heart.
That a weak apology
via another party doesn't cut it..
That it hurts.
That sometimes
life doesn't go on.
The feelings stay.
The hurt lingers.
And when she thinks back in you
All there is is hurt
No soft fond memories
Just hurt
Pain
Betrayal
And fear
She fears to ever trust again...
She fears to trust the man
Who stands before her
Begging for her heart
Begging to love hwr aching soul
Yet she is afraid
She is afraid
Because of you
You ****
You cheating man
The pain you've caused
And this never ending turmoil in her heart

It feels like home
In your arms
It feels real
There is no lust
We are happy
A real happy
We are
In love

Stop
Trying
To make it look
Like
Love
You're hurting yourself, baby girl

I'm starting to feel
Nothing at all
When I see your
Latest photos
I think I'm moving on...

I know you love me...
But what if...
What if I break you?
What if this broken girl
Breaks you?
I haven't healed yet...
I lust,
But I'm not ready to love
Or commit
To anyone...

I liked what we had
Before romance got in the way
And wrecked everything we created
So carefully
Romance ruined us

He sleeps on the same side of the bed
As you did
I miss you lying there
Sometimes
But he's there now

I still look for you
In corners
In our favourite shops
But I never find you

You broken man
I mean boy
You're lost without my heart
In your palms
You have no one to
Control anymore
I'm no longer your puppet baby

Do you ever feel so hurt
That you're so afraid
To ever open your heart to anyone
Ever again
You can't give yourself away again
You can't
You can do it when you're intoxicated
And life is a breeze
And maybe *** isn't such a bad idea
But then he wants more
And you're afraid
You're afraid he's going to break you
You're afraid to give your heart away again
You need to mend still...
It's been two months but you still need to heal
You need time, you think
But what if years go by and you're still afraid to love again?
What if you can never give yourself away again...
What if you're so afraid...
You opened up to him
And he broke you
Every single day of that **** year
He broke you down
And he wore at your soul daily
He took away your charisma
And lust for life
He made you lust for his body
He made you into an object of ***
That he abused
That he had not a single Care for
He hated you
He loathed you
He would call you worthless after he promised he would heal your heart and take care of it
He promised a 1 Corinthians 13 type of love
O God...he promised
And he lied
And he's made me afraid to ever trust any man again with my heart
Oh baby girl, he broke you
And you are still mending
You will be that phoenix and you will rise up again.
Oh but God it hurts
And I still can't forgive him
I can't forgive him for taking a year
For kissing her lips
With his coffee laced perfect lips that would grace mine ever so easily...
I can't forgive him
For lying about where his body had been just before my fingers caressed and tried to please every need he had
O God what was so wrong with me?
What was wrong?
Could i not please him?
Was I not good enough
Was I so horrible
Were my insecurities too much for him
Well he had pronounced that my insecurities would be the downfall of our relationship
O God, surely my jealousy had reason after I hear all he had done behind my back
When he kissed my lips softly and whispered
"trust me baby"
And I crumbled to the floor
O God...
Help me
I don't know if I can ever trust again after this
Heal me
And make me Your Daughter again...

I don't quite understand
This judgement
This lack of understanding
People are different
People are strange
Wondrous creatures
That I ponder at
We are all living
Breathing
Infinite creatures
Living these lives
That others find strange
Others judge
And point
And wonder
But what I've decided
And what I've found
Is that every single one of us
Is different
And these odd things we do
We do things
That make us happy
That bring joy to our hearts
And they may be odd
Or different
Or frowned upon
But I've found that
We need to do what brings us joy
What makes every single day of our lives worth it
We can't stand around
Living morbid lives
To please the people
To please the crowd
We need to live
We need to breathe
And live eccentric lives
That bring us joy
And help us thrive
Because when I look back on my life one day
Or let's make this simplistic
When I look back on my year,
I want grand brilliant technicolour memories
Filled with joy
With memories that brought me great happiness...
Nothing morbid
And nothing grey
I wish to see a technicolour life
Of happiness.

I think What's important
Is to make these beautiful memories
With fantastic people
Who make you feel better inside
Who make you happy
Who bring out the better side of you
People who heal your brokeness

O God
I am Your daughter
I am Your Bride
Dancing before you in the throne room
Pure as snow
White
Shielded by Your Love
O Mighty God
I'm healing
I surrender my heart to you
I surrender my passions to you
I am Yours
O Jesus
I want to dance in your light again
I want to dance and praise You in Your Throne Room
I want to sit at Your feet
O God
Mercy me
For you were made to be praised
Reverence to You o God
For You give a peace greater than any other
You shield my heart
O God
Forgive me
I am Your Daughter
And You,
You have made me pure again
I am covered by Your Mighty Blood
O God
You are healing me
Ever so slowly
Yet I am patient with Your Pace
o God
Be my centre
And dwell In me forever
Amen

I think it's insane
How one single human being
Can make or break you

I don't want you to be
The inspiration for any of my poems anymore
You don't deserve that
You never deserved that privilege

I come outside
Naked and bare
As you scream
Oh rain song
I have ignored you
I have stifled you
I come before you
Weak and unworthy
Drench me
In your sacred youth spring
Make me young again
Fill me with passion
Light up inside me
My knees collapse to the floor
And allow my hair to drip
Down my face
And I scream
I scream about
My Insecurities, my heartache,
All that is clenched inside of me
Oh rain song
Breathe on me again

Scream Oh rain song
Thunder and scream
And make me Yours again
Scream at me
Deafening screams
Fill me
Drench me
Make me Yours

He didn't make you happy
Scream it at the top
Of your lungs
He never made you happy
Stop missing him

Sometimes I miss you baby
I miss your touch
I miss your arousal with my body
I miss your lips
But baby, that's it
I don't miss the screaming
I don't miss the weekly tears
I don't miss my heart constantly feeling broken
I don't miss you words breaking me down
I don't miss you
Yet, I miss the old you
The You who could ****** me
Ever so easily

Dear Damian

You're an alcoholic

Healing isn't easy
It's not quick
It's a process

Like stitches
Bedded into one's arm
Once out, it stings like hell
But you can breathe  again

But sometimes
Infections brew
And the pain electrifies
It pulsates through your body
And you have to start again

And sometimes you'll
Find away around your scar
You'll touch it
And it will bleed
And it will burn

But one day
One day it won't hurt anymore

However, that scar still stays with you
It's part of you now
The pain that caused it
The frustration of it
It's still there
And it'll stay with you

But remember,
You healed.

It's quite scary
What happens to your heart
When you've been cheated on
You become very fearful
Scared
Anxious
Afraid
Of men

Do you remember baby?
I was your Harley
You were my Joker
And how true we were
To that analogy
The desire was real
The lust
The passionate love
Oh and the abuse
That was real too
The emotional abuse
The verge of physical abuse
Yes baby
You were my Joker
And I was your
Endearing
Obedient
Little Harley

"Drive baby drive."

She'll muster up the courage to say...
He lusted after me
He never loved me
And I...
The seduction was grand
But that was it
That was all it was
*** *** ***
And that was it
No love
No love at all

Dear Damian

I miss you

I dreamt you cried in my arms
And asked that I take you back
And then we kissed
And I don't know what to do
With these stupid emotions

Tell me
That I was more
More than just
An object to toy with
More than...
An object
Of ***.

Dear Damian

You broke me