When we first began dating, I was using you to get over someone else.
I never told you because you would have gotten upset, you lovely hypocrite.
I even kissed someone else while we were still dating, and it has disgusted me ever since.
I never told you because you would have never spoken to me again.
Before your growth spurt, I lied when we both agreed that you were definitely taller.
I never told you at the time that I was 5'3" and you were 5'2".
I never told you I always looked for the triangle of dots on your neck. Every ******* time.
I did not like your best friend.
I never told you he reminded me of a sociopath, because he was one of the biggest influences in your life.
And all of your favorite songs at the time.
I never told you I went home and put all of them on my iPod, just so I could impress you with how well I knew the words.
When I started crying after our first time having ***, I wanted you to just forget it, I was fine.
I never told you I was crying because I had realized I loved you, and it made me feel free.
I never told you this, because I'm not sure you would understand what I mean when I say 'free.'
One time, we were in bed and you were looking so **** peaceful with your eyes closed, and I took a picture.
I never told you.
I never told you I was actually awake when you thought I wasn't, when you whispered into the phone, when you whispered you wanted to marry me someday.
I never told you I once had a dream about what our kid would look like.
I never told you about the night I counted all the tears that leaked out of me because of you. Twenty seven.
No, I was definitely not okay with him watching, but I never told you that.
I never told you that I was scared to speak up because I was terrified of losing you.
I never told you to grow up.
I never told you what I found out.
I threw my necklace you gave me into the lake, and I never told you.
I never told you how easy it was to fit into your warmth.
And how easy it was to fall out.
I never told you that I still think about you at the worst times.
I guess I never told you a lot of things.

today, you questioned me why i can't believe that i am vital to any equation
but that's just the thing, i need other people to validate that i am important
because i can’t do it for myself, i'm nineteen and already breaking down into
the components that created me, the dirt that failed to turn into a garden
weeds entangle around my body and dogs chew at my skin with knife like teeth
shooting up nirvana into my brain like opiates and spitting out black tar-like goo
it only looks black because my eyes are closed, i can't see how red the water is getting
drowning in my own thoughts, i can't be kept under an oath to stay quiet
how i'm this backwards concept of happy yet sorry for how i came out is beyond me
my understandings is this, life isn't something to be romanticized nor to be loathed
don't have feelings, any at all, and you'll do just fine in this narcisstic society


- kra

12:00 AM
"My birthday is in 5 days :3 I get excited like a kid ((:"
"You are like the sun light streaking through my window of life every morning, reminding me how blessed I am.... "
"My vocabulary linguistics can't fathom let alone transcend into expression the intense profound passion driven emotions I feel for you. It's called love, with a pinch of deep passion <3"
"The intensity of the feeling, the warmth in my stomach every time I say I love you, the passion of my heart ... It's like a very new and different, special feeling.. "
"I know you are smiling, you were smiling reading what I had to say and that's exactly how I know you look the most beautiful - smiling <3"
"I was at the hospital today, the doctor said I'd be fine. Don't ask for what or why, please."
"knucklebump (:"
"Best of luck........"


All the stuff you used to say to me. Everything.
I have them all imprinted on my mind,
in that secret corner that I dedicated as the space for you.
It's all there, everything.
From the first word you said to me,
till the last word.
Everything.
They're all there, spinning around in my mind.

I woke up this morning with a tear stained face.
It seems like that's the only way I find myself
when I'm all alone or when I wake up these days,
With a tear stained face.
This morning, I washed away the tear stains and put on a big smile.
Pretended that I was okay. That nothing was bothering me.
What they say is true,
"the happiest of them are the ones who cry themselves to sleep."

You should talk to my pillow some time.
It'll tell you the truth.
That you're all I think about when I'm asleep.
You're always on my mind.
You've given me too much to remember, I can't forget you now.
It's too hard. I take this as punishment for letting you go.
9th December 2013 now.
At this exact moment, you're no longer 16.

15 more days, and I'll be as old as you were just 15 days before.
You're One year older than me.
I'm One year younger than you.
Wait for me to catch up please.
This race with time is driving me crazy now.
It's moving too fast.
I'm tripping too much.
I'm falling too hard.
It's getting harder to get up every day.
But I wont stop.
No matter what, I'll keep running.
'Cause I live with a hope that you'll come back some day.
They say you wont. That I'm being stupid. But deep in my heart,
I know you will come back. I really do.
Prove them wrong, my love. Come back.
And we'll knucklebump one more time and start off from right where we left,
Cause after you get here, nothing will be wrong again.

Till you get back, I'll just settle down by wishing you a very happy birthday [on here].

I can never linger
it isn't written in my genes or encoded in my blood
in fact I simmer like a deep-brewing fire
only the wind on my cheeks
& the scenery whizzing by can stifle my flames
whimsical indecisive fickle
no commas can contain me
I am this metaphor & that simile
I am those paradoxical adjectives & I don't create irony
I am the irony
free spirit & old soul I have been labeled both
whatever you like to call it I can never linger
a blessing or burden either way
the loveliest blooms always depart from the fields the fastest
you have never seen a fairy because they carry on & on
carry on so quickly
I am the soul of your lost father & I am the nostalgia of your dead mother
I am all things mystical & majestic
the weeping willow tree by the lake & the lightning that smites it
the strength you misplaced is found deep within me
wherever I go love will seek me out & find me
but I can never be contained & I can never linger
I only wish to "burn, burn, burn like roman candles across the night"
so please
do not ask me to stay

They say "forget him"
But I can't
Because while he thought he was stroking my hair
He was really smoothing out the wrinkles in my soul
When he whispered in my ear
It got carved into my skull
And when he touched the most hidden parts of my body
He got access to the hidden parts of my being
How simple it would have been to just give him my skin
It can be mended with stitches and a band-aid
But I gave him my entirety
And only time can heal that

A dark dark blue overcomes gazing sight,
As a blue, tinge of black, blanket covering you,
Concealing all that's real, and it defeats all light,
To fend the soap of your skin,
And to blight the harmless lively solar sight.

It comes softly, the night,
A bitter cold to make things sweet,
The blue muddies deeper and deeper black,
It is overtaken by shade,
And makes all things dim in midnight gloom.

The fade comforts you though,
Relieving senses, melting worries, soothing temper,
And challenging thoughts edged in
A deep and mournful life:
A heretic, monster, evil to the world.

But lives, as yours, were
Just ***** grains of sand changed to glass
Neglected, and gone to last.
You'll never know the dark
As it has when it made you then: happy.

So please, take a step,
Make a move and love the darker hue,
Relax as the dark does for you,
Worry for the worried, but not your own,
That is for me and the dark to do.

go ahead and say it.

unsure, like slowly breaking
              daylight, realization
              sneaks in around
the corners,            here, i sit, still;
                                blind and idiotic and
           so **** unsure.
moving in slow frames, bystanding certainties' presentations,
                                                                        maybe i need this.
  maybe i need you more than anything.
but,

how
could
  you ever need me, darling?