it has been [43] days since i missed a dose
of you
             strange to think
                                         that you have always choked
on me

When tracing stars
In the palm of my hands
I wondered about the galaxies
That envelop us so serenely
And thought about the revolving planets
That are always in the right place
I wonder where me and my stellar palms
Fit in between all of these universes.

when i first saw you, i thanked god silently.

i spent days thinking of ways i could talk to you, what i would say to you, and they all started with “hello” and also ended with “hello” because every time i tried to think i would see your face again in my head, like when you look at the sun and you’re blinded for a second or a hundred and all you can see is light. i wanted to know you, know you know you, and i wanted to know how your voice sounds in the morning and how your hands feel when they’re around my waist and what your favourite colour is and i wanted you to know that i’d fallen for you and i did not want to get back up again. i wanted to kiss you so hard you forget the name of all your past girlfriends and pull you close when you stir in the middle of the night and drink the warmth in your eyes. they write songs about this kind of love, y’know? the kind nobody wants because it takes over your life, ruins you? but i was honoured to be in love with you, i let it take over my life. we talked and it was nice and i was far from eloquent, but i found words. i loved you, but you would never love me, and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry

I am running.

It is an hour past midnight into the new year, and there are people streaming out of buildings and cars speeding by on the street, but I am running. I am in a dress and flats that are threatening to fly off my soles, hair tangling in the wind breeze but all this doesn't compare to the smile breaking onto my face, eventually turning into a laugh. A real laugh, one with arms high and heart abandoned to the moment. To now. To being glad that I have survived another year and lived to tell the tale, because despite the pain and the empty, these moments make the suffering worth it.

The moments where everything in the world seems to have righted itself and I realise that this planet is beautiful. That my own fragile life and state of mind is beautiful. That the shadows and the darkness are nothing in comparison to the light. That despite what life can throw at me now and then, nothing will ever compare to this. It is the unlocking of the heart and the accompanying audible 'click' that makes me live. Actually live, and not just survive day by day. And to be grateful, for having this moment. For having the now, in my life, and not slip back into the past.

I am aware that the past never really leaves a person, and if you're not careful, it can become a person. And maybe sometimes, I have been in that dark and scary place. But it is a new year, with hopes and dreams and wishes and chances to make things right. To make things better. To learn new things and make new mistakes and fall down and get up and do it all over again, because we're human. And that's beautiful in it's own right; persistence and resilience. The hope that tomorrow will be better, starting from now. And this is my now.

I never run. But right now I am, and it's not away from something but into something. A new hope. A new life. A new beginning. The past is not behind me, but with me. I have made that mistake once, and never again. It will accompany me because it helped form my heart, and sometimes we need to look back to appreciate where we are today. And I do. I am grateful for my life and the falls and the triumphs. The heartbreak and the anguish. The joy, the laughter, Every feeling I have and can possibly feel. Everything.

I am running.

It is brilliant.

(A.H.Z)