I'd rather feel everything fully
than be a calloused soul.

It’s 4:27 AM on a Thursday.
You say I have so much left to give,
even if I have no one to give it to.
I wish I had more to
[these pieces don’t fit]
even if you don’t want any of it.

It’s getting colder outside,
I just keep thinking
more about [ ]
I just keep thinking more
about you.

You were a lot of things for me,
you were an anchor in
you taught me to
but you were never mine.

There are no oceans left
in my fingertips.
Your eyes have

and that’s okay.

[nothing fits]

It’s 5:13 AM on a Thursday.
I’ve figured out how we’re different;
you’re doing okay without me.

I tried writing the other day,
but you took everything when you left.
I was never a writer anyways,
I was just in love with you.

The heater still rattles
With the bobby pin I dropped in there while kissing you
And every time I hear it, it creates a new beat
A stronger one
A louder one
A beat that yells to me "You'll never forget him"

The heater seems to produce the smell of your cologne
During late nights when I miss you
The smell that made my stomach flop
The smell that still peppered my skin once you left
A smell that shouts "You still love him"

The heater still has a dent
From all the times we sat on it
And that causes the air to blow into my face
And dry my tears late at night
Just like you did
Tears that howl "He was-no scratch that-IS perfect"

The heater still has a scuff on it
From the morning you threw your she at it because it stopped working
And it produced warmer air after that
Almost as warm as you
Before you left
Now the air is cold
A cold that screeches "He was your everything"

And the heater still has your jacket on it
Because I can't bear to move it
And in the early mornings I put it on
And drink a cup of coffee
Like I did with you
By the heater
A heater that screams "Maybe he still loves you"

it doesn’t feel right
to write about you
i am sorry
i love you
a little
(i left my heart under your doormat)
(please don’t ever check)
i am sorry
for all of this
even though you probably didn’t know
(you might have)
i hope you never read any of this
i can’t get you out of my head
and you’ve throughly clogged my arteries
i am so sorry
i’ll be okay
i hope you are
i hope we both are okay
in the end
in the middle
in the now.

I’m torn between stupid ideation's and a deluded perception of reality
I walk past where I through my drink at you in the midst of an argument
throwing away my anger at you so I could run up
and embrace, our bodies merging into one
I don’t know where it went wrong.
My thoughts cannot trace the time when you stopped holding my hand
or the last time you looked at me like I was a god and I had created the world for just you and me

But every time I go back I can remember every single moment we had
Where our laughter filled each others hearts and
we’d lie so close together that I swear I never thought we’d come apart
You would whisper in my ear about how you were scared to die
and I’d kiss your wounds and swear I’d always be your best friend no matter what
You told me how you couldn't form your words around other people
besides me, your mouth would run silly your cheeks would burn red as you looked up

I think I let my tongue slip and I planted a kiss on someone else
But my heart keeps telling me it was over before then
That it took longer for me to realise that
just because I was the first girl you had went down on
it didn’t win me first place in your heart
that you were rotting and your bones were becoming hollow
with all of your selfish thoughts poisoning your sight and feeding your ego
I tried to save you, hide you away from the lifestyle
that makes men go bitter before their time
But it never worked your head was so full of girls 100 times better than me
and your eyes were set on every one you could get

In all honesty you have broken me down
I am a desolate building, ready to be torn down and I’m too faulty to step inside
I couldn’t ever sit in front of you again
and not want to rip my skin to shreds and break my bones to mask the pain I feel
when I look at you and what you have become
I didn’t just lose you, I’ve lost my best friend

I remember after you there was another boy,
I remember him turning to me with sadness filling up his eyes and his skin had looked ten times older from fives minutes before that
‘You can be with him if you want, I wont stop you’
his voice broke like a glass falling and shattering into a thousand pieces,
I replied with ‘I don’t like him any more’ and I didn't mean it
People knew what we had and they knew it was a lone planet
filled with beautiful flowers blooming on the trees
but no being could ever step onto it, not even us

I'm sick to my stomach thinking about you and the way you smell
I miss us and it hurts because I love another person
But I will never admit to the unconditional love I feel towards you
I don’t want to give you that.