I just wanted to be alive.
After all, you were sunlight
and my eyes were still tired
from just waking up.
I am waiting for time to
catch up with the weather.
3 AM used to feel so much warmer.
I see stars and think about
the patterns that run through
your skin,
the constellations that run through
your veins.
I will never have a chance
to trace them all,
but my God,
they are beautiful.

I.
too clean
houses

II.
healthy
relationships

III.
sobriety

IV.
the way my brain
is wired.

i.   My mother's elbows. They
     are too sharp and they twitch
     in the direction of your ribs
     when you invade
     her personal space.

ii.  Needing anything too much. Cutting
     or writing or even
     my own friends.

iii. Fast rides down mountains. I
     remember each one, looking
     out the window, wondering if
     tonight was the night
     finally we would go
     plunging over the tiny
     railing.

iv. Gangs of little kids. Don't
     tell me they don't know
     what they are doing. Children
     are cruel.

v.  Metaphors of fists raining down
     all over your body. I'm
     sorry, I cannot listen
     to your metaphors, when
     they make my skin tingle and
     my hackles raise and
     my heart play out the dance
     of old fears.

vi. Anyone having leverage. Too
     many times, showing caring
     for a thing has seen it
     confiscated. Also, anyone knowing
     I care at all.

vii. Discovering that the scars gifted
      to me are not healed and
      long car rides and
      her elbows and
      cruel children and
      impending addictions and
      openly loving and
      your metaphors make
      me bleed along
      old fault-lines.

"I sleep in your shirts ya know?" I asked the empty room "I miss how you used to scold me for always taking long showers" I poured myself a glass of jack daniels "you'd be disappointed if you saw me like this" I said between sips "don't worry, I'll be disappointed for both of us." I'm a shell of a woman I used to be "its saturday, I miss how you used to sleep in as I watched tv shows" the tv hasn't been on for weeks "my battery is drained, haven't charged it since your death" saying the word and tasting the melancholy mad me nauseous "I won't throw up, that's not very lady like" I threw the glass against the wall "I think I'll just drink jack out of the bottle instead" I said happily.
"I can still hear myself think so I'll just drink until I can't feel a thing"
"Moma thinks I need therapy if my daddy was here hed just kick the crap out of me instead" daddy issues was part of me growing up and I never wanted to date until I met him, he waited patiently like a puppy and broke down all my walls
"Babe why didn't you talk to me about your problems I loved you even with your depression" guess who's turn it is to be depressed
"I'm not actually mad at you, just mad that there was nothing I could do"
I broke down in tears that night remembering what had happened
My phone ringed as I was having lunch with a friend
"Baby!" A hysterical voice said, it was mom.
"Sorry my phones been actin up, what's wrong"
"You need to come baby girl,I'm so so sorry, I'm at the local hospital" and she hanged up. Me and my girl grabbed our stuff and went
My mom ran to me crying "sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry baby girl"
"Sorry for what?" I was hysterical
She grabbed my hand and pulled me to a hospital room and there he laid full bandages and blood
My knees buckled, it was giving in and my bag slid off my arm like water
I couldn't breath
"Is he" I couldn't get a word out
Now my mom was crying "he jumped off your building room
I couldn't cry, I wasn't expecting this
"He only got a few minutes and his family is on their way but they can't make it so they think he's already dead"
I took his hand and kissed it furiously "no wake up" I closed my eyes "no wake up! Pleas wake up" now my voice was only a whisper


The funeral was depressing. My family and friends have came to terms with my locking myself up in my apartment getting wasted
"Part of grieving" the doctor said
"Its been 4months and she's still doing it" my mom said to her friend as they pushed me under a cold shower and cleaning me, thinking I was unconscious. I heard everything.
"They were each others anchors, keeping each other grounded, one without the other one they would fall apart" my aunt was a writer

I.
when you dumped me
they said 'time heals all wounds'
and i said they were full of ****.

II.
when i pick my scabs
i still feel my heart
bleed out over you.

III.
on bad days i curse
your name until i fall asleep
it's my broken lullaby.