echoes of forgiveness screech through the wood with bark knotted flesh and leaves constructed of artificial veins as the ashes of what we were burn down but the forest is still alive the woods are alive why are they still alive why do they get to live when you did this but now the blood is drying and the woods are gone and everything is gone and i'm gone but you're still there because you're perfect and can do no wrong and i'm the ****** up one why why why why why do you get to stay when i leave why do you get to continue and turn the page while lightning strikes the tree i tied myself to but oh no no i don't die no but the lightning strikes again and again and again and again until i wish i was dead again and i wish you were dead again and everything's gone why would you do this how could you do this but now its gone and we're gone and the world has fallen off its axis but at least the woods are dead and the blood is dried and the flesh is petrified and it can't hurt if i can't feel it or see it or touch it or taste it or smell it anymore
right?
but i cried a river for you then you held me underwater drowned me in my own suffering 'til i couldn't breathe but my lungs are getting stronger and the light is getting brighter and the voices are getting louder why are they still so loud how are they getting louder i tried to forget i tried to leave it behind but it followed me to the ends of the earth and i'm looking over the edge into the abyss considering jumping because your voice won't leave and her voice won't leave and i see her everywhere but she's gone into the woods but now we're the ones lost but what happened to "we" because now it's just you you you you standing on her grave proclaiming your hatred for the world but then the dirt falls open and the old you is gone where did you go you were fun and nice and worth it but now you're lost and i made it out why did it take me?
why me?
because once it's locked in the jar lit with our ashes and buried in the dead woods who will remember us who will remember us in 100 years why would anyone remember us when there is no "us" anymore right? right?! because that's what you said but now you're gone and i'm bleeding from the hole you left in my chest when you walked over me on your way out you didn't care you didn't care at all but now i'm bleeding out on a bathroom floor sobbing daily with scarred wrists because of you and we and us and me and the Everything that feels so big it could crush us but there is no "us" anymore now it's just me with the weight of the globe you broke on my shoulder and i know its not your fault but it certainly feels that way and now i'm the bad guy because you tied me to the tree and it lit up in flames so now i'm burning and my ashes will be blown away until we are forgotten too because who are we without others who are we if no one remembers us who will care but you when i'm gone?
oh right
you don't
sorry

i forgot

"the reason i hug you so much is because that if i let go i'm afraid you will too"

writhing in
her mind
another hellscape
trapping anyone
who looks in her eyes
because the eyes are the windows
to the soul

she runs wild through
a forest of
whispering trees
calling out
but never to her

calling for the others
the betters
because she would never
be as good as them

how could they want her?

the trees whisper her name
as a crow flies above
a single feather falls

the train of shadows
moves on
stopping only
for her

she boards it
a single crow feather
as a pass
a boarding ticket
to the end of the world

the ghostly passengers stare
and turn away,
looking out the windows
to the white abyss
of snow

the endless rattling of the train
soothing
but unsettling

a bustling marketplace
when it stops
and she takes a step out the door

here they whisper too
she sees a knife glint
a golden coin falls

the train comes again

this time the pass
a gleaming gold

but now there is no train
only an umbrella
two boots
a raincoat
pouring rain
and a girl
in the middle of it all
the puddles reflecting
who she could've been
and who she was

but never her

What if?
What if
I told someone?
What if
they hate me for it?
What if
What if
I stop doing this to my body?
What if
you stop liking me?
What if
I stop and you leave me?
What if
What if
you hate me if you know?
What if
I didn’t tell anyone?
What if
then nothing changes?
What if
if I tell you?
What if
you worry?
What if
you think I’m a burden
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if
What if  
I

stop


and



you




leave





me?

why did you leave
why is it always me
why am i the sick one
why are you always perfect
why should i have known
why didn't you tell me before
i didn't understand
i didn't know what i was doing wrong
and now it's going to happen all over again

why did you leave me
and why didn't i deserve to be okay?

why must i
live
why must i
keep going
when every time i whisper
the wind steals it?
when every time i speak
teeth scatter?
just let me know
when the world is better
when the fires stop
and the forests grow back
and then maybe
i can too?

scissors
****** wrists
the dark creeps in
worthless
it whispers
hiding under beds and in closets
inky tendrils wrapping around heads
pitch black room
midnight
red lines under ribs
appear black in the dark
hugging knees
scarred
not enough
never enough
broken
irreparable
thinking of the roof
a rope
pills
just to make this pain end
just to end it all