I let you see me and now I can't see myself anymore

I have a voice .. but it keeps getting lost in the ether

there is so much beauty in our pain

i'll just have to be his little girl instead
i have been for a long time
and secretly i always will be

i love it when i can't breathe
-
those moments spent trying to breathe are electrifying
they make me feel alive when i forget that i already am

i feel distant from myself
i feel distant from God
i don't feel like a friend
-
this has to be self torture right?
it is my hand that is crushing my windpipe RIGHT?
-
i know everything is by the hand of God
but it feels like i'm hurting myself badly these days
but the pain hurts so good
sometimes it doesn't even feel like pain
that's the problem
the lines are so blurred between the two that i can't see where anything begins or ends anymore
-
how these lines get crossed
how everything blurs into one
how i am slowly making a descent into nothingness
how fast i am fading..
-
it feels like i'm free falling
and the hand of God, invisible and mighty, cushions me and slowly, very slowly is lowering me down
so i'm not falling..

Is it possible for a human to feel so sorry?

i wonder just how much our distance broke us
grey thoughts to red actions to nothing
a flame that barely licks at me now
a single flame
i don't always feel it
sometimes it burns
sometimes i notice it

but never mind

Just like lightning

pale skin
shining eyes wet with fresh tears
cherry lips
cold skin
warm cheeks
a sharp stare
dark hair
your finger in her mouth as she cries
shivering
or shaking
her hair frames her face
move it
your nail digging into her cut lip
the blood running down her chin
feels wet
a metallic taste
a delicious taste
so strange
fear in her eyes
increase it
pleasure in your eyes
you can't hide it
it can't get any better than this
improve it
keep going
I can't stop
control yourself
let go
you're being violated
take it
I can't
do it
keep going
stop
run
don't you dare
this is mine
i'm yours
who am i?
enough
I want this
I need this
i need you
I needed you

It'd be nice if more people interacted with me on here

nothing is the same
nothing was ever the same again
God
everything has changed
everything just changed

everything in my life has claw marks on it

you hurt me, and I hated myself for being in pain

It's better if they don't know

There's a story in every time zone

i wonder what it feels like to have an empty head]
to just sit there like a mindless and pretty doll
oblivious to the human feeling of buzzing thoughts

my silence is the pain that makes me crazy, yet it is also the salve that makes me soulful

When I think about me I think about him

It was intense sitting across from him but I mirrored his position and stared back into his eyes with the same intensity

I had to look away a few times
But so did he

I’ve played this game every day since I discovered who I really am
You may think you’re a challenge but just try me

close your hands around my throat and god don't let me go
writhe against me in the grey light
it's fast but I know you feel it slow

my existence is really getting to me at the moment
living as an adult is so empty
my true feeling is that i don't know how much longer i can take this
i'm still a really long way away from something like 30 but i would honestly consider ending things there

there's just nothing
life is empty
the years worth living have been lived, there's just nothing
i can't take my own existence anymore

I look up at the night sky and I wonder if our stars are the same

*

How long will it take you to reach stars?

i don't feel like i exist
or maybe i don't feel like existing

life scares me
i'm overwhelmed
and confused

Do you think I’m crazy?

always disappointed to see my sluttier posts get attention and drive anything meaningful that I show the world into obscurity

so lost so alone

I speak from experience, whether it's to be mentally, physically or a figment of my imagination, I speak from experience.

You’re all I have, I said to the wall in front of me
The wall did not respond. It just stared back
Blankly, silently

i just want slash and stab this empty vessel that I call a body
rip out my guts and end it all
choke on my own blood
and finish myself once and for all

if it hurts to breathe, just know you're about to live for the first time

silent sobs left her shaking until she slowly faded away

He ruined me

I'm a free soul bound by something divine
so tell me why my face is pressed against this glass window...yearning?
yeah I can't move mountains but that doesn't mean I can't take a leap of faith..right?
so tell me why I watch life pass me by...yearning

12:04..time is slowly killing me
but I'm so **** stubborn
******* father time
just like that busted up shop sign that flickers
I'm here to stay

maybe my anonymity ruined me
but is it such a crime to want to stay hidden?

S for say something to me

oh man, i'm so TIRED
feeling the weight of life is exhausting and i can't wait for the next moment that i forget about it

Coping with the loss of someone comes with indescribable pain
and it's sad because life will always go on

That just makes me want to hold onto the pain even more
because thats the last thing on this earth that let me know you were real and that you existed and that you were in my life.

I don't want to forget about you ever, I don't want life to go on and forget about you

But I have to let go
and it's sad
it's really sad
I can't do it
I loved you so much
How can I live and how can I cope when I'm so used to seeing you everyday
and now there's just nothing
when I wake up there's just nothing

I hate that one day you won't have existed anymore
The show will go on
It waits for no one

I don't even want to be part of this show
but like i said we all end up getting roped in somehow
-
I'll try not to forget you
I'll try so hard

****, where will I take myself

i think i blink too much or
much too slow
it seems that i can never let enough of life's light in
and i want to let the light in
i so desperately want to let the light in

God, I am calling out to you
though I am not begging on my knees
I wish I was

Instead I look up at your moon and ponder my existence
Nothing comes of it
My soul just grows more restless
But you know that already

-

God, I am calling out to you today
To free me from the shackles of myself
To let me breathe your sweet air everyday and cherish it

Please cleanse my heart and give my soul nourishment
Allow my eyes to see the beauty of your earth
and to feel the hum of life vibrate through me once again

I have grown restless, ungrateful and wretched
Let me fall into your beauty
Let me see the beauty that I am blind to

-

I want to see again
I want to feel again
I want to feel the sun on my skin
and only focus on the feeling of now

-
I want your forgiveness
I want your acceptance
and I want your guidance

-

I may be lost in this maze
but I know my destination, I have never forgotten nor can I forget
All I can do is ask that you make my path clear for me

Everything that I am today, right now, right this second is everything I wasn't
Everything that im not today, right now, right this second is what will make me

I’m
Hurting inside

i have put my life and soul in to this piece
i dedicated my life to this
how dare you
ruin it
come in and criticise it
My life's work
what i put every fibre of my being into

a cry for help is the only cry that is never heard

so smile...what else can we do?

but i'm still learning...

the way you look at me makes me shiver
it's so delicious
i can taste it on my pretty pink tongue

How fleeting is the sound of the neighbours hammering
And how sustained is our rage at the sound of it

what did I do
will God forgive me?

These feelings of guilt and disgust
I'm bathing in them
purifying myself inch by inch, in a sick and twisted way

am I a creature of hell?

I couldn't resist
the urge was just too much
it consumed me

i hate myself
was it worth it?

the desire in me screams yes
it always does

but i know it really wasn't

i'm tired of being led by desire

a sinners pathway to destruction

God please save me
have mercy

I let him ruin me