im just trying to live a different life

And in the end, nothing will ever matter

I've learnt that the harder you try, the harder things become

i have him
but i want you
you have me
and you want me

I need to talk to somebody about you
you spread through my entire being
until i am nothing but smoke

i have invented a way to pause life

I'm growing tired of living multiple lives

look back at the scattered virtual ink that was pre-determined to be a mastery of the intricate structure you saw with him

I've disappeared from your list
and I live in hope,
that maybe,
I won't be missed

when he told me to wait
every single minute felt like rejection
for once, time was finally accounted for

Waste no time
Please

I've really ****** myself over
So much potential wasted
Because I wasn't careful with time
I played with time
I felt like I controlled it
When really
I'm a slave to time

Repeat the process

I am in mourning
because you have not died

Everyday I ask myself
What can I want
When I have everything

I want someone to write me a poem

why can't night time be forever

I'm sorry
That I can't focus on you
I'm a bored person
I need to entertain myself
And sometimes
You just don't cut it

A glimpse of red
that you really just caught sight of

chiffon caresses
that you really just felt

it's night time
see the light

faces....how many do you have?

haha
in my religion
music is forbidden
because it captivates the heart

it really does

poetry is to live in the moment
poetry is to submerge your head into water
then break through the surface like it's the last thing you'll ever do
poetry is any unraveled emotion that  needs to feel whole again

can you  compare yourself to a train
cause when you think about it
life runs like a train
we run
like trains
someone usually controls us
watches us
we have a set path
that we choose
or is chosen for us
we can take lives
and our paths can be altered
sometimes we can go wrong
or be delayed
sometimes we forge friendships
and sometimes we help with escapes
occasionally we carry out crimes unknowingly
but most of all we keep moving
maybe we stop for a while
but we always keep moving

i feel alone. truly alone, even though i know i'm not, i mean before i used to be enough for myself but these days i'm isolated from myself. numb, disjointed , just not all here. i can party as much as i want, intoxicate myself until my eyes don't open ever again, i can submerge myself into massive crowds of people just to feel like i'm around SOMEBODY, i can ******* appreciate nature and walk for hours on end, **** it let me find a new hobby
all this **** is repetitive
trying to entertain ourselves just to feel content, it;s kinda like we're reliant on life. **** it man at times i don't give a ****, **** life i don't wanna live it
. i'm not talking about suicide here because i don't believe in that ****, i don't believe death is an escape no matter how much it calls your name , anyways, i'm talking about life ******* itself
i don't care much for these activities
that we created just so we don't go ******* crazy
but then again i want to be a slave to this so called life
go be a model
go make some clothes
maybe fight a couple cases in court
appreciate friends
love my family

how do you survive when two extremes exist within you
do you shoot someone one day then become a priest
do you stop talking then launch into a ******* lecture
when you want to stop but you want to run
what do you do?
i could do both
but then time would come and **** me over
**** it i'll keep all this in a special place within my mind
and use it drive what I've selected to waste my time doing in this world
i'll bend everything to my ******* will
just watch

my voice is the soundtrack to my life

no longer the lonely writer

how can i crave contact with people
yet ignore everybody that contacts me

GOD

satiate my craving

what do you do
when you begin to dream of somebody
not just anybody...him
more than once
not just a spontaneous occurrence anymore
but now a regular visitor
in the chamber that is my mind

everything i desire
is so shockingly clear and electric
so much so
that when i wake up
my body is lifeless and drained
i used up my body's reserves
to ******* dream about you
and whether it was voluntary or involuntary
i'm not sure
and
really
i'm not sure whether i want to be sure

i can't bear to have you with me
in the flesh
but i can cope with you flowing through me

i crave that skin on skin contact with you
but i'm afraid baby boy
that it won't feel as real as it did
in my mind

i could go on forever
about absolutely nothing
because that's what you are

absolutely ******* nothing

but then again

i know that you're everything

****** you but I ****** someone else

Don't . Wanna . Get . Outta . Bed . Bcus . I'm . Too . Strung . Up . Over . You .

to tell a lie
succesfully
is to fully reign supreme over any art form
for lying trumps them all

Imagine if you could send your thoughts to someone
in little pulses of light
so
when you think of them
and you think about words
but you can't form them into a coherent sentence fit enough to condemn you
these little light pulses
could
say it all

you only think what i want you to think
when i want you to think

Hospitals scare me
aside from having watched somebody pass away
they scare me

embedded in my chest is the weight of seeing extreme happiness to complete isolation
why should both events co-exist with each other
which one does my heart warm up to more?
a small child who has a better chance at life
or
an abandoned soul who is believed to have overstayed his welcome in this ******* planet

does this bring us on to the topic of privilege
or ignorance

human nature: to lie
what is lying
a trap? a weapon? a prize? justification? a game?
just words that we overreact to?

to lie is to serve justice

plagued endlessly by empty memories of you
laps
you run in my head
up
down
up
down

up
there
when it was all good

down
there
when it was all...i..whatever

i mean when we reach the midpoint
who said we had to cancel each other out
after all that we had
we have nothing
after all of it
you were more
more than anyone... anything.... any person... everything

can you believe
we are down to communicating without interaction
our words just drift past each other
our words are mere bystanders in each others lives
just there in the background
still significant
but not enough
to be the main characters of the story anymore
just piecing together
passively

I caught your eye
now
I'm trying to catch your eye

nearly 3am
i'm inside
but i was just outside
for so long
i'm excited
shaking
jumping internally
apprehensive
immersed in clarity
breathing so loud
its sounds like a silent scream
my eyes are wide
open
searching
i see my own eyes
stare into them baby
they're shutting
act fast

my tongue
my tongue
melt on my tongue
melting
on my tongue
dissolving on my tongue
disappearing on my tongue
you disappear on my tongue
i disappear when i feel your tongue on m...
i feel you
in my bloodstream
i feel you
in my gasp
when you hit me
when you enter me
when you take control
i feel you around me
why are you around me
like a thin mist
you're not here
****
who is around me

restless and just craving relief

closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
closer
he said
come closer

wanted for my body...in real life
...wanted for my mind...in my mind

Momma says "cherish the time you spend with me,
Cherish the time you have left with me"

Poetic revolution
**** yeah
Purely untapped emotion

We must both like the chase,
A lot

Precise,
Haha I finally decided to message you back
After a couple bottles of wine
Ironic
A demon helped me face my demons
It was sorta like the old days
But yeah, after a couple minutes
I was back with a cig in my mouth
Visualising myself taking a stroll down the busy city street
With some kind of ****** Bridget Jones soundtrack type song faintly present in the background
I'd rather be alone than face you everyday
I'd rather you were just a figment of my imagination
Just so I could control you a little more
Just so I could fight you a little more
Instead of succumbing to the same thing everytime
****
It takes a lot to get to me like this
So I just think for a long while
About
What kind of creature you are
Because no human has ever ruled over me

new picture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

why come back just to leave
it's like needing to walk through a door but just closing it instead

sexualize
****** eyes
****** lies
sensual vibes
****** cries
time flies
when we're having a little ****** time

A lifelong dispute
Between me, and addiction

scarily too good to be true
i see through it
it feels good
to see it
to read it