Here's what's going to happen:
I'm going to kick. I'm going to scream. I'm going to hate you. I'm going to want you to cave and let me near you. I'm going to cry because you know I can't be near you, because I have Lost My Way; and I will hate you. I will fight. I will yell. I will be so stubborn, you'll wonder who this person even is. It is of utmost importance though, that you keep your distance. Be with me, but keep it during daylight hours. Don't let me descend into myself, I will stay there if you let me. I will wallow, and I will turn into a self-loathing human and I will sink deeper into depression. And I will do nothing to fight it. I will not want this. I will be bitter. I will be angry.

But please do not leave me. Talk to me. I will return to the person you love, and I will be back very shortly. I need to get a grip on my person as a whole, and I need to not be based on you. You are a human, separate from me. I want to spend my life with you, not because of you. You mean so much to me, and I hate putting you through the depressing hell I am raising. You deserve better.

Seriously. I hate that I do this thing, where I become an accessory of my own merit. I turn myself into your pet, your porcelain doll; you can do as you please to me, and I will not fight back. I will turn into a soulless human, and I will be useless. You deserve better.

Again, I wish I knew how to tell you this with my own mouth. I wish I knew how to deal with this on my own. But all reality is, I need you. I need you more than I need sleep. I just don't want to have to depend on you to be happy. Does this make sense? I'm sorry. I may be rambling again. Perhaps you'll be able to make sense of it. I don't know.

For a second I understood what it felt like to be a drum
with an empty center that reverberated every time it was hit
just so everyone else could enjoy the music.

But now I see the drum for all that it is
it is not just emptiness
it creates that sound
it moves people
it evokes emotion

I am the drum
I am the whole drum
I am not defined by the emptiness
pounding me no longer wounds me
now I can listen to the music
now I am strong.

Every night she would lie in bed and finger the stars
Pressing her rough cherry lips to the moon.
Sometimes it seemed as though
Everything was attacking her.
The expectations of the world pressed down
With coarse intolerant hands.
But nights,
Nights seemed different.
Her eyes would bathe in the sadness of the moon
And her heart wouldn't be attacked.
Sometimes
If she urged her mind into the sublime
She could feel small.
Just as she had always dreamed.

What is it I'm hanging onto?
Why is it so hard to know?
I hate myself when I pursue you,
but I just can't let you go.

I'm not the only guilty one.
You string me along the same.
You make it so easy to hate you,
and when I leave you call my name.

I can't say I ever really knew you,
sometimes I wonder if I've made you up,
but I know we don't work,
and it's time I give you up.

I'm a cloud of useless waste of particles.
I float freely, I fall slowly.
I'm a useless dust of chalk. Wasted.
What is my purpose?
After my knowledge?
After I have made my marks on the board?
What am I bound to do?
After I sit steady in the cold, dark place that I stain? That I ruin?

I'm a useless powdered material.
I stay stationary, I move slightly.
I'm a useless left over matter of chalk. Unimportant.
No appreciation for my knowledge.
No notice for my wisdom.
Is my purpose to be unseen?
Is my purpose to irritate eyes and wreck souls?

I'm a chalk dust in a dark, cold corner...
Soliloquy is my game.
What I play. every time. everyday
Intentionally left behind,
By my knowledge, my wisdom, my faith, my truth.
I'm now
A Nobody.

I vanish, and I flourish and I fly.
I'm a chalk dust with no purpose.
And so, the soul had fled the existing body.
And in the end, I see...
My useless soul, my life...
Under appreciated


** jnldm

An old feeling resurfacing after years of repression.
I've danced this awful dance before.
Unable to resist the magnetic chemistry sparking between us
A familiar weight of longing settling on my chest...
logic says no
foolish heart beats
what if? what if? what if....?
Is this cycle born of loneliness? of habit?
Or are you just that embedded into my heart and soul that I cannot shake you from my core?
Is this real? A fantasy?
How do I know which you are?
Trapped in a Harlequin romance
empty words and fading dreams my only consolation
while I waltz through the heartache and confusion
All the while wondering maybe, just maybe,
this time will be different...

You keep telling me,
"You never know what the future holds."
All I know is,
in the future,
you're the one I want to be holding.

You know!
that i want to hold you flower  body
on this winter bed
and melt
into this earth's skin
never to wake up