have you felt my character development yet?

how do i indicate to you what I'd do,
how and when and where where you
i sleep during an infinite number of crime
who knows and who cares, anyway

you look upon me with a broken smile
i thought it would be worth the while for you
to see just what i'd do
to lie and think upon what we were

and i felt, a thousand fleeting moments
inside a cracked heartless lagoon
i can feel anything at all
i can't believe it all when I
fall
to you
to your endless pool
i crawl inside of who you are
all i can think of is always you
but I'll do what i have to do
and i
could cry and want to die
but no
i could hold my own's soul's row
and fly
with you
and sleep with you
what i want to do and what you do too
even as i fall asleep my dreams
are the only escape to this
to cry, sleep to a lullaby
a forgotten log down a river of sighs
there's some hope in
this

goodnight, go to sleep
my friend
i will see you soon, once again
inside the waves inside my heart
you haven't torn it apart

goodnight, go to sleep
my friend
don't you see this can't quite be the end
of it all whatever it is
it just takes a second to **** it in

and if i never **** you in again
and you never take me around again
i wouldn't mind i felt this
all the time
just remember i'll never say goodbye (again)

but go to sleep, my beautiful friend
i can feel you at the coming end
i know where i want to go
i know, where i want to go

go to sleep, my wonderful friend
i will fight with you to the bitter end
and the bitter cold as we get old and
i don't know how but i realized now that
i've got the notion if it happened in the ocean
it would all crash down upon the world

go to sleep, my beautiful end
i will see you again,
my bitter friend.

scientists have said
humans are the only
organisms able to
express their thoughts,
but i often find that
to be untrue.

if people could
directly communicate
their emotions and feelings
i would know what is
happening
between me
and you.

I took a break from trying, because all of the words sounded the same and nothing new came out. It was all the old feelings I've already felt and old tears I've already wept. I was tired of beating the horse, it was already pulp beneath my feet.
So I let it go and I dropped the pen. I settled angst and let the winds run wild through the valleys of my mind. Tornadoes formed and storms brewed. I felt the cold grip of a 45 in my hand the other night held tight against my temple. I couldn't pull the trigger.
I'm glad I didn't, because that burning cold against my clammy skin awoke something deep inside. Feeling.
So I'm taking a break from taking a break because finally there's something to write about that isn't that **** pulpy horse beneath me. It's a new beast of fear and irrationality, but it's something. I've been so tired and scared that I haven't known what to do with myself.
Let go.
We thought I had ten little fingers and toes inside me. We thought that my stomach had a heart beat. I'm not sure why I felt so disappointed when that stick said no. We aren't ready for a kid, let's be honest.... are we?
Love is something we bathe ourselves in, what flows through our veins and stirs the dust within us. But I'm not so sure about a little us roaming around on ten little toes.... am I?

The storm has settle and these keys feel comfortable beneath my fingers. I just wish I didn't need to feel the burn on a 45 to know what comfort is.

My sweet love,
my desert flower,
do you think of me when you kiss him?
Do his lips fit yours like mine?
Like pieces of a puzzle
God made to be side by side?

Does he hold you, touch you, and comfort you
the way you know I could?
Or has he grown distant like a man
who takes you for granted would?

Do you feel like he sets you free
to grow in life and be you?
Or do you feel like he thinks that you should just stay
the way he wants you to?

Do you think he'd fight 'til the day he dies
to give you everything on earth?
Or will he settle for a jewel on your hand,
then expect your heart to never thirst?

Would he want to experience your love
in beautiful, distant lands?
Or would he be content with a small life here
and trap you in it 'til the end?

Do you see blue
when you look into his eyes of brown?
Does his love lift you up to the sky
and make you feel alive?
Or send you, searching, into the arms of others
here on the ground?

Does he fear you leaving?
or does he think you'll stay
just because you owe him
for making a mistake?

Does he feel for you and dream of you so deeply
that he writes of you like this?
Or is his spirit dead? Is he passionless?
Is that what's amiss?

My dear,
my darling dancer,
if any battles of thought
with my questions I have won,
then, my desert flower,
you know what should be done.

She said my name.
I stared. I stared and stared.
One tear. Another. Bawling, weeping.

My true love; contact.

            11-17-13

It’s always rain that falls.
Never light, never warmth.
Like the world is crying,
Maybe he feels as I do.

These things, are they caused by rain,
Or are they an effect
Of the world’s tears?

More trial and error to see.


It’s always rain.
It’s always cold.

                -Marshall,
                    11-19-13

I am so tired tonight…I don't know if I even have the energy to let out the tightness I am feeling inside my chest. I don't want to lie down, or close my eyes… I fear I will become overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I find solace by clicking new document button and typing away like crazy. Writing is cathartic for me.

I sit here, night after night, oblivious to the storm raging in my head....please, don't let me hear....please, make me not feel anymore....and I barricade myself, waiting for the night to end.

Some days I feel like this is HELL ON EARTH!

It's on these days when I swallow my screams, I tell myself "this too shall pass"...and I hear a faint voice inside my head echo my thoughts....'soon...soon...soon', she tells me. There is no use screaming, or begging, or reasoning with myself, or the others within me. Please don't let me lose it tonight...I don't want to fall back again...it is not worth it.

WHY? I ask the question in my mind over and over again: WHY? WHY? WHY?

There is no answer tonight, there is never an answer. There is only anger, and sadness, and so much pain. I don't want to hate. I tell myself I don't have to take it anymore...soon...there is an end. His face taunts me, his angry voice fills the silence, his sarcastic laugh envelopes me in fear, his evil snort makes me cringe, his stale breath makes my skin crawl.

Where are you? I cannot find myself. Some days I see a shimmer of hope which I visualize with every beat of my heart. But I no longer hold any expectation… it's easier this way.

You taste like **** and beer
Oddly, I like it
Probably because it reminds me
Of your tainted soul
Which is the very reason
Why I love you so