i feel numb.
you told me, "beware for i do not think when i speak"
and i've tried so hard to pry my heart off of my sleeve
so i do not feel like it's breaking and start sprinting towards the door wanting to leave
i don't know who's pushing who farther away
yet we're still carelessly pushing, not knowing if we'll end up pushing too hard causing the other to not want to stay
this scares me
see you think i'm blind and deaf and unresponsive
yet, i've been where you are, with a longing heart realizing how conditional love is
everyone usually walks away so you start walking away first
once you're far enough away, you start building your wall
one brick of mommy and daddy issues here and there
assault
lies
abandonment
hurt
jealousy
and then you're satisfied that no one can get to you
but miserable because no one can get you
and you can't let that show so you try to make yourself believe that all is well and you're happy guarding your heart from everyone
but you're not
and i'm not
because you're guarding your heart from me
and i'm not asking for the key
but i'm asking for a window
where i can see inside
it can stay barred for a bit if that's what you'd like
enough for you to see the sunshine
and watch as i make countless efforts to chip away at those dumb bricks and replace them with love
hope
reassurance
but i don't know if that'll make a difference
so just know, i'm here
and that's not a lot
for i feel i am not enough for myself to carry on
but that's me, that's another poem, for another time
for right now, i'm talking about you, and how i crave for your numbness to go away... yet i sit, numb.

You can crave to have someone elses qualities while in the meantime someone else is longing to be as gifted as you in some way.

Never fully satisfied with yourself, you want to be bigger and better.

Because you choose to hear out the people that think you aren't good enough and need better characteristics, and not the ones that think you are beautiful just the way you are.

When will my last set of tears roll down my cheeks?
When will the sadness come out with the sobs?
When will all be calm and happy and good?
It all comes back to time.
It took time to get to the sadness.
And now it will take an eternity for it to dry out.

all the good ones die.

or become no longer good.

She conjured up the most beautiful blade.
And cut into the most beautiful thing.
Herself.

Have you ever tried to hurt yourself?
Externally no.
Internally, all the time.

my mother taught me how to share
i never had an "i don't wanna" moment
i was respectful and kind and never claimed anything was fully "mine"
however now i don't want to share
i don't want to see her with someone that's not me
i don't want to see instagrams of her calling someone else babe
or snapchats of her new "princess"
call it being greedy or jealous
but i don't want her to be someone else's
just as i don't want to be with anyone other than her
i want her mouth only on mine
call it possessiveness or whatever you want
i want her to be happy i just want it to be with me, i don't want her "i love you's" to fade to "i care", or "i'm still here"
i long for her touch and her presence
i feel as if i didn't appreciate what i had when i had it
and now somebody else might steal my baby
and i don't want to share...

I long for touch but yet I flinch when someone gets too close.
I suppose it's the feeling of fear that overcomes me.
Or the voices that flood my memory of the people saying 'You'll never be pretty enough and your soul is too dark.'
I guess I'll just spend my days basking in the wretched comments and the feeling of never being good enough.
I'm displeased when I look in the mirror, and I start to understand what the people say.
Maybe get some surgery and all of the pain will go away.
But even if I did that the rude remarks would still be there.
And I'd still be heavy with all of the weight on my shoulders.

I have no one,
so I run back to the ones who don't care the most.

the lady in red
who lived in my head
used to come to me
and it all started at around age 3
she was sweet and nice and very pleasant
but behind that all she was just a peasant
she was there in all of my times of need
she was strong and blunt and always wanted to protect me
but only I could see her and it was just our little secret you see
she told me 'If you tell anyone that you can see me they'll think you're crazy and take you off to a bad place.'
so I never told anyone so I could continue to see her face
around the time I was 8 she left me alone
'You don't need me anymore you're all grown.'
'You're smart and old in the brain, you can take care of yourself now so I can't stay.'
she was on her way and nothing could stop her
I begged and begged but she was an admonisher
so I let her leave and I never saw her again
the lady in red
she was my best friend

To most she was broken.
To herself she was just fragments lying carelessly among the floor.
But to him she was life.
In his mind he took all of her pieces and put them together.
He never saw her as anything more than her and that was enough.
He only ever saw the good about her.
He was blinded by her beauty and wit.
And she was blinded with who she really was, behind closed doors the person only she saw, disgusted with herself.
But he'd never be.
He'd only ever love her and see her as life.
The only life he'd ever want to lead.

there is serenity on the bathroom floor
among the cold tiles
sending the sense of euphoria all throughout your struggling body
the pain
it feels so good
to just sit in the silence
with nothing
but the brisk air
and the cold tiles
sending chills down the spine
that you didn't think you had
because it was so hard to stand
just collapsing on that bathroom floor
with nothing but the readiness and acknowledgment of knowing it's okay to feel the end
because it is inevitable
it comes for all of us
and you may not be scared
but you must be petrified
for when the moment comes
it will feel the same as your body on the cold tiles
and the brisk air will take you away
with the serenity still there
as you enter the gates of wherever the air sweeps you to

all of them just come and go.
and they never love,
and they never care.
they just come...

and they just go.

i made a friend… she left me in the end.

but i had her for a quick moment.

….then was that friendship?

You do your best for others, to make them happy.
And most of the time they could care less, and continue to gloat about themselves.
So don't do things for others.
Do it for you.
You deserve to feel accomplished and be happy with yourself.
You are making progress and if others don't appreciate your journey, they shouldn't be apart of it.

A poem is a wound, turned to words.

Memories fade as the seasons change,
and as the year is almost over,
I still remember everything about you.

The way it looks at him makes me uneasy.
Knowing that all I've ever wanted was to make him feel that way... with that look.
I can't give him what it gives him, the beauty, the perfection. I'm not enough.
I'm said to be a big part of his life and yet I feel so pushed to the background.
Lost in oblivion.. of regret and sadness.. memories on repeat. And so many emotions. Of love, of loss, of no touch.
*Of no him.

i fill these voids inside of me with the things i don't need, the things that i perceive as happiness.
all people have their voids and all people have their fillers.
some have clothes and shoes and jewelry.
some have money and fame and colleagues.
some have ***, drugs and rock and roll.
but when it comes down to it their is still that void, it's just filled to the brim with stocking stuffers.
so once you unclog the drain and all of the things come pouring out, your just a 10 pound brain piloting a slab of meat with a hole inside of you.
the hole that has been scratched out by people and misfortune and lies and deceit.
but you still have your brain... and your slab of meat, which is more than some could say they have.
so you have to move on to the next location with your void... to try and fill it.
but the thing is your still walking around with the problem.
you think that if you move and make new acquaintances the void will be filled and the past will be corked and thrown into the ocean like a bottle floating waiting to be found.
but you can't throw your bottle into the ocean because it's the only bottle you have.
it's the only life you have.
you have to find a way to not avoid the problem or try to get rid of it.
but to put the past in the past and live in your present and continue on with your future.
that's why they call it a present.. because it's a gift to even have one.

i liked the way you made me feel
until you didn't make me feel that way anymore
so i let you go
but was that the right thing to do?
i have a void, that i've been trying to fill
ever so carelessly
drugs, ***, rock'n'roll
i've lost control
hell, i don't want to be in control
i want others to control me
i want someone to constantly be there and reassure me
but everyone leaves or i push them away
and i'm left with the biggest hole of agony inside
that can never be filled...
love is conditional.
love is stupid and blind and erratic and irrational.
love cares for no one.
so maybe it's not love i'm looking for?
maybe it's to erase the past
but time is a cruel thief.
time is selfish and careless.
and we waste him so he wastes us.
i am wasted.
no, not drunk.
but rather a ship, wasted at sea.
stuck in the sand of the past.
with this hole of agony... filling up with unwanted things.

i can see you in the stains on my glasses.

i'm going to die
that part is inevitable
you aren't going to miss me
i wish that part was avoidable
but chances are
when i gasp for one last breath
you'll be somewhere laughing
while my spirit releases into the air
like one of those balloons that kids only love for 5 minutes

I hate that I'm up thinking about you when I know I hardly cross your mind. Thinking about my lost innocence. Thinking about how everyone's told me that I'm older now and need to move on. And I have, but I can't forget the feeling.
As a child you're supposed to feel loved, wanted, adored, yet I always felt like I was a burden. You may be asking yourself, why? Well, maybe it was because I tried to hold my father's closed fists.

my love for him is wholehearted, however, it seems like i can't love him correctly anymore?
i can't put my arms around his waist, or touch his chest, or hold him certain ways.
i used to be understanding when it came to the lack of p.d.a because i agreed that it was inappropriate.
but, now, i feel like the girl that he just holds on to because he feels like no one else will accept him how he is.
under the binder, behind the socks in his underwear.
i don't care which gender he is because i fell in love with who he is at heart.
but anymore, i'm scared his heart is changing.
his mind definitely is, from putting on mascara 6 months ago to trying to make a shadow.
i am understanding.
i am loving.
but i am not benevolent.
or all-knowing.
but who knew loving someone unconditionally would come with so many conditions?