Loving carefully
As if the world was holding
Both of your ankles
Ready to pull you down
From underneath
As soon as you mess up

I see you look at her
and it is not hard to tell
just by the expression on your face
that you still love her
I recognize this look
because it is how
I look at you

if only I had the second chance
if only the cards were in my favor
if only life were as simple as air
I promise that I would love you
like I have always wanted to be loved
I would give you my sole endeavor
to always keep you smiling
I never want to see a distorted disposition
you deserve to be happy all the time
so if I am not included in your happiness
that is okay
just as long as you are
always
**happy

I never would have originally planned to have fallen so hard for someone who I casually met while hungover in an Izzo's
And that he who once came on so strong would now act as if the day never occured at all

I never knew if you were so in love with me it hurt or if you never loved me at all

Loving you is like explaining where we store and access our memories
Like trying to describe what water tastes like or the color of a mirror
It doesn’t make any sense at all, it is difficult to decipher
Collectively bleeding from imaginary cuts that you do not even know that you gave me, you thought you did nothing wrong
Brushed away the uncomfortable silence on the car ride home
Listened to the humming of your engine as if it could drown out the sound of my heartbeat that quickened at every red light
I am not strong
I am all bark and only bite on accident
I cannot fight back because I am afraid you will abandon me as if you haven't already, I am trying to convince myself that you are still here
Is bravery supposed to feel like you guts trying to slide out of your fingertips
I am so scared to talk to you because I worry you will mistake my name with hers, I am worried you will do it on purpose
It is hard to speak confessions in other accents
So why am I trying to tell you I love you in her voice
I will stop bringing your name up in cups of coffee
Pour in the sugar, let it taste too sweet I will cringe at the bitter aftertaste
I know that this is not going to make me feel any better
I am pacing my steps trying to get away
Will not stop running until I stumble
My legs are crumbling beneath me it reminds me of your walk
How your knees grow weak at the sight of her
I am sorry I am not her kind of beautiful
Forgive me for loving you despite your love for her
And I will try to forgive myself for the same

He walks backwards into a room, takes of his jacket and sits down
The bartenders slides him money and a receipt
He slips the money back into his wallet and the bartender fetches the receipt from under his shot glass
His makes a bitter face as the alcohol creeps back up his throat
He picks it up and sips it back into the glass from his mouth
Things in rewind seem much easier
Like ants running back into their hole
Raindrops flying into the sky
Your skin will soften, teeth will sink back into your gums
Your shoes will get bigger, feet smaller
You will remember less memories
Remember less of the pain
You will forget about all the nights you lay in awe of how much you miss him, you will think of him getting drunk
Wishing he would spit it back into the bottle
Wishing he would unhang up the phone
Wishing you hadn't walked out
You imagine unpacking your bags as salt water tears that dissolved into your shirt slid back up into your eyes
In the distance you can hear the music playing backwards as you rock back in forth, unkissing his neck
You want life to be recorded on a VCR, little green and red buttons putting your mind at ease
But then again, you haven't owned a VCR in years

Some telephone calls are never answered leaving people on the edge of a thought that was urgent to be said at the time but a voice mail never means as much as live audio
Your name is only an old recording that I refuse to delete
and it is no longer a valid word in my vocabulary
I refuse to let you go and I'm still not sure why I love you
but even as a light bulb runs out of wattage
my love for you will run out
So when your name becomes one of many others
and I no longer stop to stare
I will call you
and I hope it goes to voice mail
So that you too will have a useless recording of me
that you refuse to delete

It's like we're a world full of love stories
Spinning slowly on its axis, in this magnificent Milky Way, as if we are slow-dancing around the sun
And maybe we have already crossed paths, caught a glance and kept walking
It's funny how out of the 7 billion people on this earth you will come back and find me and we will fall in love like people do all of the time in this passion-driven world
I cannot help but wonder where we will meet, I cannot help but think of the movies
You will stumble into a coffee shop in grey sweatpants and a t-shirt
First, your eye catches the menu, then you glance left and see a girl reading
Puzzled, curious, and awestruck, you will walk over and ask what she is reading
Or maybe it will be raining in the middle of spring
She will be standing at a cross walk with a magazine over her head
You do your best to avoid traffic in endeavor to reach her
You share an umbrella and love will bloom like the flowers of May
Or maybe we have already met
Know each other's names and secrets
Maybe we have already loved and it failed
But maybe we could do it again
Just maybe, we could do it right this time

I am waiting for a love worth holding on to
Each tick of the clock reverberates throughout my body
I often try to convince myself that I can find love on my own if I look hard enough
But real love is the kind that you do not have to search for
I have learned that scrounging up what looks good enough
Will only teach you that you should not build a house out of scraps
Sometimes I try to color myself different shades to fit into someone else's art work, sometimes I forget about my own color
Because we all want to be what everyone wants
But we end up wanting everyone and not knowing our own name
So I have decided I am waiting
Patience falters every now and then
But I know someone will see constellations in my birthmarks soon enough so until then I promise to do my best in not painting over them
I will find myself in my abstinence, regain all of my strength that I gave away in beds that are not mine
I know that eventually  someone will notice that light on my skin even if it does not shine that bright to some
A light is still a light no matter how brilliant it may look
This will not be an easy journey for me
I tend to hold my heart out in my hand and anyone who reaches to grab it, takes it, I hardly ever put up a fight
I love too easily for someone who wants to wait but I do
I have sat by too many telephone, received no phone calls, resulting in too many damp pillows and tears stains on the sheets of paper that I write about those whom I love on
I am waiting for someone who will fill me with joy more than they put me in agony
I am waiting for someone who will kiss me and not taste past lovers on their tongue, someone who will not be able to kiss me without smiling
Someone who will love me when I am a still day
Someone who will love me when I am a hurricane
I know that uncertainties are abound in life
And I know that this waiting may never truly end
Though while I am here, loving myself in this isolation I will think of how I will love you, the man whom I know is out there somewhere
Perhaps he too, is waiting for me

I often wonder if sleeping with the lights on will somehow curtail the darkness in this room
There's something about nightfall
Because when the sun is out, everything is fine and
I feel as if I can do anything
But once the sun sets and flaming orange fades to dark blue,
I lose myself
My pride slips out of my chest and shatters on the floor and
I am too fatigued to reach down and sweep it up
There is no antidote to sundown
There is only waiting for dawn

I love the feeling of anticipation
how being unsure is such a crutch
but it's a rush that kisses the inside of my veins
I look at you and I see sweet, innocence
that is merely hiding behind a smile
so bright it could give a blind man sight
I have gained feelings and as much as I hate to say it
I like being curious about the fact
that maybe you have too

One day you will wake up
The bed will feel colder than usual
You will reach out your arms in hope to find someone
You won't
Lying in bed you will remember every girl you once claimed to love
And in that comes my part of the story
You will hear our whispered phone calls
The softness of them will weigh down on you
You will hear Hozier playing on repeat
It will resonate in your mind like hymn in an empty church
Suddenly you will remember the part where I stopped calling
And you stopped noticing
When dry messages became the norm, when you didn’t miss me
You remember the world conducting it's choir
It was so sweet
Like the "I love you was" reciprocated when you meant what you said
It was something that hung on a thin line
Unraveling of thread, it was always a risk
One day I know you will wake up
And think of me
And wonder if I am still asleep

I love watching the world fall asleep
Tucked underneath a skyline blanket of atmosphere winking at stars as if it's something that's it's not supposed to do but it's beautiful anyways
Lying beneath the quaking sound of the interstate cars running wild burning up gas like wildfire smoking the ceilings of bedrooms
Backseats made to feel like a home
The world is falling asleep and I am lying awake
Loving someone who is loving someone else
Watching her drift into unconsciousness like it is the first movie he has ever seen
Watching her while I am watching the world
I wonder if we are looking at the same thing

Water is a transparent fluid from which the world streams, lakes, oceans, and rain and is the major constituent of the fluids of living things
Water gives our lungs the moisture we need to breathe.
Water, therefore, is breath to life.
You cannot have too much of it.
Drinking too much water too quickly can lead to water intoxication water intoxication occurs when water dilutes the sodium level in the bloodstream and causes and an imbalance of water in the brain.
Although, you need it to survive.
People can survive no longer than 8 to 10 days without water
When our cells are starved for water, they become parched, dry and more vulnerable to attack by viruses.
Water is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.
Water constitutes, regulates, flows through, cleanses and helps nourish every single part of your body. But the wrong kind of water -- with inorganic minerals, chemicals and other contaminants -- can pollute, clog up and turn to stone in every part of your body.
3.4 million people die each year from water related disease
That is equivalent to almost the entire city of Los Angeles.
I think water is all around us in metaphoric ways
For instance, water damage to a cell phone, computer, a book, or an entire city.
Water creeps into places where it is not supposed to be, where it is not meant to be and destroys things.
Suddenly, your screen goes white, words are smudged, people's belongings and treasures are ruined.
Water breaks things.
Water is a lot like pain.
It creeps into our life like a serpent in tall grass and fractures things that were once in perfect condition.
But the miraculous thing about it, although it is a demon, we need it to live.
Without pain we would not know pure joy.
How can you appreciate stepping to the sunlight if you have never experienced the shade.
Water is a lot like people.
70% is a person is water.
31% of our bones are made up of water.
Only 1% of the world's water is drinkable.
Some contain toxins that can be fatal to the human body.
Not every person may be able to quench your thirst.
When they leave they many leave you dehydrated and dizzy.
Not every person is drinkable.
Some people carry demons that they will introduce you to and you cannot rip them off.
These demons are not in relativity to the band-aids in your childhood.
People can cause damage like no other.
Some say that loneliness is killer.
Isn’t funny to think that the one thing you need most can leave you with more scars than you had in the first place.
Water is a lot like love.
Something we crave when the exhaustion from all of our day's work gets too heavy.
Without love we feel empty
When the body gets dehydrated it has already lost over 1% of its water
When we thirst for attention it's as if we lose an inch of security
Love is unlocking the door and flooding
Love causes destruction
But love is at the absolute brink of all things desired
Love is different temperatures
Love can boil, love can freeze, love can be just right
Love can be the one thing at the end of the day that refreshes the mind
Water is used frequently by firefighters to extinguish fires helicopters sometimes drop large amounts of water on wildfires or bushfires to stop the fire from spreading and limit the damage that it can cause
Love is the antidote to pain and the virus itself
Love is limiting damage
Love can calm the wildest fire set in someone's soul using only words
Water is such a generic liquid
Water is the only thing that hold each of us together
So when you reach the end of your journey
Remember water and all of its different forms
Remember the invigorating taste
Remember the abuse
Remember the revival
Remember it all
Because it is all there
**We simply do not look close enough

Like thieves, we are all in love with stolen hearts
Trespassing on private property
We are always crossing boundary lines
As a part of human nature, we do almost anything to get where we want to go
Where we feel we belong
Something stirs inside of us, makes us itch, ache, thirst
For a spoonful of affection
A syringe of love injected into our forearm
Entering our body like the holy grail that preachers used to talk about
We have never made smart decisions in the name of love
Cupid laces his arrows with the most dangerous drug out there
And the craving grows faster than the hair lining his jawline
No one can truly explain nor comprehend the vast existence of love that dwells within every lucid person
We are looking for love as if we have the ability to find it
There is nothing more hopeless than attempting to create something with no materials to do so
When you want to love someone but they do not offer you the opportunity
When the road that you are walking on comes to an end
At the precipice of distraught perspective
It is understood that love is not easy
It is understood that love is not a fairy tale
Picture frames fall off of walls
Wooden floors scratch when glass kisses their skin
And we hate asking questions
Because we are afraid of the answers
And how are we to explain the magnitude of fear
Measure out the anxiety
Weigh the uncertainty
There is no way to determine an answer
To a question that is nailed to the tip of your tongue
Like thieves, we are all in love with stolen hearts
Invading foreign territory
We apologize for such actions that we cannot control
We ask forgiveness for such reluctance to speaking up
We do not mean to do the things that love violently enforces
We do not mean to fall in love
But we are searching regardless of the understood failure
We are experimenting with our own blood
As if we have so much of it to give

I must remind myself that the times have been much worse before. I have seen darker days and I have touched light in the purest form. I know that we are amongst bad decisions and unlucky circumstances but we are not hopeless. We are never hopeless. We are relentless in our fight through humanity. We dance with illusion and flirt with temptation. Our hands are callused with fear and we continue to hammer away at these dreams, trying to bury them because we are too afraid to make them into the skyscrapers they ought to be. But no matter, things could be much worse. I am thankful for the air pumping through my lungs and the blood running live a river in my veins. I know that there is still a path, but I’m going to have to pave it myself. This is what instills the most fright within me. I often make wrong turns when I am given directions and now I have no destination in mind. I am just trying to have better days. I must remind myself that we are not hopeless. We are never hopeless.

We are only friends and nothing more
No matter how many times you come over
or how many inside jokes we keep
No matter how many times I eagerly want to kiss you,
I never will
We are only friends and nothing more
The space between my shoulder and yours is six inches of fatal territory
Every effort I put in is just another grain of sand on your beach
We are only friends and nothing more
Your smile is one of many
and mine is a mere star among her being your sun
I will never hold the place in your heart that she does
but I should not be bothered by that because
We are only friends and nothing more
So when you call and I pick up,
greeting you like I always do
Do not crack a joke
or ask me how my day was
Do not be so nice that I forget
we
are merely friends
and nothing more than that

There’s that moment. Some people don’t know what I’m talking about and some never will. Alone, whether it be in the woods, on the bus, or at a populate dinner party, clarity walks right through the door with her menacing smile and she begins to scrub away these notions you once held so true to heart. Morals that your world revolves around, tilting on its axis avoiding these things that clarity holds in a basket, that she urges you to try. I find immense horror in the underlying truth that populations of people settle with what they assume to be the best version of themselves. Arriving at a destination and deciding, “This will do.” How dare someone claim that their journey is over. What a way to live! Clarity cannot sleep at night, she is much too busy endeavoring to wake us all up. She thrives in open discussions and dances with the allusion of unbalanced thoughts. She rest her head on your pillow and collects memories to distort. She plants trees of cognition and reflects daily on your first loves and the day you learned to ride a bike. Clarity sips coffee from your collarbones as you write a story about the one who got away. Again. There’s that moment. Clarity stares you in the face like she planning where she will engrave your new wrinkles. She takes your hand in hers and places it on your chest. She says “As long as this is beating, you are not finished yet.” Out of fear and humility, you nod your head, intently listening to the drum beneath your palm. The moment is gone, but that doesn’t matter now. All that matters was that it was there. How dare someone claim that their journey is over, you think to yourself. What a way to live.

I have discovered new changes and cravings that loving you has brought me to realize
One.
The warmth of a blanket is different from the warmth of a body and I would rather freeze to death in your arms than cover myself in fabric
Two.
As a child, I used to dream of red clay being palmed into shape
Into mountains, wind washed, carved to life
I think of loving you this way
Though it is only a childhood craft medium I can make something beautiful out of  it
Three.
I will forever be compromising myself for you
Though I know it is stupid to endeavor being well adjusted to something that is broken
But all I really want is to be what you want
Even if it means digging holes in myself
Scratching old roots out of my veins
Planting new gardens and flowers of your particular liking
Four.
Loving you is like walking across the street when you know it is not time yet, the crimson lit palm telling you that it is a time to stay still, never listening and thinking, maybe they'll stop for me today but they never do and you end up wrecked each time
Loving you is going back every day, already broken enough so why not test the waters once more
Convincing yourself that there is something different about this time
Five.
Though you are so beautiful, your smile is a light in the dark, your kiss is venomous and I know you are not good for me but there something so enticing about swallowing a poison that taste so sweet
You are a deceiving medicine that will only make me sicker
I have discovered new changes and craving that loving you has brought me to realize and these are only a few out of the many that my mind holds captive, I hope to tell them to you one day

I am young
I haven't met my worst days yet
Nor my best
I haven't done much
I'm only a young girl
I lie to myself often
I cry a lot
I cry about things that people
Should never cry about
Like spilled milk
I laugh in uncomfortable silence
I laugh at things that most people
May not find funny
I laugh when I try not to cry
To remind myself that there is still room
For a smile at all times
I do not worry about my past
I tend to worry a lot more about my future
No one can calm me down
Better than my little brother
His innocence and light-hearted attitude
Makes me realize how sweet life is
I don’t think life is a box of chocolates
Not everything in life is sweet
Sometimes you lose people
Sometimes you lose yourself
Sometimes you just lose
And sometimes you don’t have other people
Who are going to be able to help you up
My advice for you is
Learn to zip up your own dresses
And put on your own bracelets and necklaces
You will not always have someone to do it for you
I'm only a young girl
I don’t know much
But I learn something new everyday
I have learned to live life as it comes to you
Don’t take anything for granted
Because you will miss the small things
You will realize
The small things were the big things after all

Tonight, he will probably go and get drunk
He will drink beer after beer, shot after shot
Until his vision is at the brink of extension
So much, that a girl from across the party catches his eye
And he will stroll over, spilling out his best pick up line all over her lap and she will laugh because he has always been able to brighten a mood even when he is intoxicated
And you will wonder if she looks like you
Wonder if her eyes are deep brown, if they flutter when he smiles, if they notice how beautiful his are
Wonder if he hair hangs long down her back
Wonder if he runs his fingers through it when they kiss
Wonder if he presses his fingers into her back like wet cement
Wonder if she had a bad after taste that left a bitter dryness in his mouth, wonder if he had another drink to wash it away
And as you sit on your back porch, letting the cold grip you in the palm of its hands, squeezing, turning you numb
You will drink straight from a bottle of *****
And you will wonder if this is how love tastes, after all

when a boy tells you he loves you
do not panic
every nerve in your body will tremble like a sinner on judgement day
not sure of where this is going
not sure if it is real
when a boy tells you he loves you
do not curve you lips into half of the crescent moon that lit up your dark nights, he does not deserve that yet
when a boy tells you he loves you** over the phone
because he can not muster up the courage to spill the blood looking into your eyes do not believe him
a phone call is almost promising but not quite
when a boy tells you he loves you
you will want to say it back
and sitting in your car the words will fall out of your mouth
and into your lap like spilled white wine
when a boy tells you he loves you
do not panic
remember that he is only a boy
a silly, heart-scrabbled, inconsistent boy

When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
A light switch will go off in your chest
A firecracker, time bomb, grenade, explosion, beating of drums
Drop the ball in your throat, feel it sink down into your stomach
You will appear to be quiet on the outside
Your ribs will break one by one and shards are going to crumble into each other like buildings falling to the ground
You will have to hold yourself in your own arms
You will howl and collapse like a dying star and remember that he was the Earth and you will continue to heave even after your body can no longer produce salt water tears
You will remember things more vividly now
The way he looked at you when you were singing in the car
The way he pulled you in when you tried to move away
The grip of the handle as he opened the car door
The way his lips felt on your neck
You are going to remember the temperature of standing in the road, you are going to remember the embrace, you will remember looking up at him
You will remember it all as if it is a movie playing in your brain
You will remember how he slowly glanced at the world
You wonder if eye contact would ever break
When he says that he no longer wonders what your lips taste like
Tell him that you no longer wonder either
Tell him this even though you do

There is nothing poetic about the way I am hopelessly in love with you
It may sound beautiful to be so infatuated with someone
That you can't sleep, and all you can think about is them
It may sound pretty to see them with no flaws at all
It may look like something that you want
To have someone stimulate your well being
To love someone so much that you feel as if
You cannot live without them
But it is not beautiful
Especially when you do have to live without them
Especially when you have to watch them feel this way
About someone else

When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel a hole forming in my chest
My heart was digging to the bottom of my ribcage
So they it wouldn't spill all of its secrets
I imagine the word "yes" flowing from my body
Like water pouring from my lips
When they asked me if I loved you
My jaw crumbled like wet sand
My tongue and breath did not remember
How to work together in order to form words
I did not know how to lie to them
It's like I can feel my teeth begin to decay
When you acidic name slips through them
When they asked me if I loved you
I hope they would try to tuck the question back into their pocket
Maybe if I stayed quiet long enough they would
The uncomfortable silence was beginning to be noticeable
I never meant for this to sound so much like shot gun
When they asked me if I loved you
I could feel the pressure against the walls
The flood was far to overbearing
I will love you until I don't anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I told them that I didn't
Simply because I find it useless to soak
A bath of room temperature love
When you mix hot with cold
The climate is never pleasing
I have learned
That when someone asks me if I love you
To always say no
Just to resist the risk of the words traveling to your ears
I cannot bear for you to know that I still love you
Even though you have left
You have filled something in me that is still full
Even though you are not here anymore
When they asked me if I loved you
I responded calmly
Acted as if it was a punchline I saw coming
Acted as if it wasn’t breaking my spirit in two
Acted as if I was fine with answering
"No."

You do something to me that is indescribable
The way your voice resonates in my chest
The simple sound of you breathing reminds me that everything is okay
Because if you are alive then I know I am too
The way my thighs unconsciously part just slightly
whenever you are around
It is no longer just my heart that is drawn to you,
It turns out so is my body
The way your touch can take away any discomfort
There is something about you that sweeps a peace over me
Funny to think that I would be empty if you left
And here I am, hollow and vacant
Because you did

When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
My blood turned to ice
Tears stung my eyes
My heart rate quickened, it felt like someone was gripping my spine
The weight of the words hung heavy in the air between us
I was in disbelief that what you had said was real
That you would tell me you were just joking
That a smile would cross your face and you would remind me of the time you once said you'd never leave
You would remind me of how you meant it
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
I felt like a piece of wood at the moment an ex strikes
My whole body tried to tear in two different directions
My stomach was lurching as though I had dove into a bottomless pool
It seemed too twisted to be reality
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
Everything within me acted on instinct as though my very survival depended on it
I was so angry, I was so vicious
A wounded animal will tear you to pieces if it's ever cornered
The words spilled out of my mouth like peroxide on an open wound
I felt like I had swallowed poison
But too many words were lodged in my throat, restraining the bitter taste inside of my mouth
When you first told me you didn’t love me anymore
The words put an instant chill on my humiliation
Because I told you I loved you
The words fell into my lap like spilled white wine
Wasted, deteriorated
I have never felt so much remorse in my life
When you first told me you didn't love me anymore
It was more violent than anything I'd ever imagined
Still I am in recovery, I fear I will be for a long time

When you want to tell him you miss him
Hold your tongue like you are hanging onto a ledge
You are saving yourself by not letting go
When you want to tell him you miss him
Listen for your inner guidance
You know what it will say, your heart cannot bear
One more rejection
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of why this all came to an end
He used to be the one filled with apologies
Look how the tables have turned
When you want to tell him you miss him
Think of her name, think of the girl who stimulates his heartbeat
Think of how she is nothing like you
Think of how her smile is plastered on every vacant space in his brain
Think of how he is missing her in place of you
When you want to tell him you miss him
Don't, let the words slide down back into your gut where they belong
Do not give him the leverage
Let him think that you are missing someone else too
Someone else who is not him

When I was a little girl I used to separate all of my crayons into colors
I had the different blues, reds, yellows, greens
All categorized into section waiting for their turn
And I finally realized
There was always one color left behind, white
Pure and untouched, so uncommon, never used, overlooked
And sometimes I like to think of myself as that **white crayon

I saw you today
The back of you
Standing straight talking to a girl who was not me
I didn't wait for you to turn around
Only kept walking out of pure reluctance
I wanted you to see me
Notice my heart on my sleeve
See the hurricane in me
I didn't want you to see me
Notice the heart on my sleeve
I didn’t want you to see how this hurricane in me
Has gotten so bad
It is getting so hard for me to play along
The white flag in my hands is itching to be held higher
I am resisting out of pure reluctance
I want to give you up
But I just can't

Early morning coffee on the front balcony
Where the smoke dances with the fog
You never liked to get up this early
But something was different about today
The ideas lingered in the air
And you watched and waited for one useful
So you could grab hold of it and put it in a poem
See the words stack on top of one another
Like bricks of a castle you once dreamed about
Fragile but holding such strong will to shield its princess from harm
There was something about this Saturday morning
Something that set it apart from the rest
Maybe it was the smell of rain on the pavement
Or the dewdrops on your balcony railing
Maybe it was the way you simply couldn’t get comfortable in bed
Maybe it was because last night
You slept in it, alone

I find myself wanting to get in a life threatening accident just to see if you would come and visit me in ICU
If it would even cross your mind to see how I was doing
Or if you would go to her house instead and talk about how tragic it must be for my parents
Find your solace in her lips
Wrap your arms around her body like putting on a seatbelt
Fall into her kiss like falling out of a passenger door
Lay next to her in her bed having no trouble breathing at all
I wonder if you will think of me
How my lungs are gripping air in its palms pulling it in with every ounce of strength they have
How they are fighting to keep me alive
Blood pumping, adrenaline running up and down this highway
Heartbeat faster than the day I fell in love with you
Mind racing, body aching, a tornado of agony awakening within me
And you will be comfortable, sending a text to my mother saying that you were sorry for what happened
I wonder if you even would be sorry
I find myself risking everything for just one more miracle
But sitting behind the steering wheel of a car
I can never bring myself to swerving into the other lane or into a tree or off a bridge
Because although I am curious what would happen
I cannot risk dying without knowing if maybe one day you would come back without me having to be on the edge of death first

You can hear it in the silence, you can feel it on the way home, you can see it with the lights out
Your mind wanders into oblivion and you wonder if his hands still feel your warmth when it gets cold out
If the folds between your bed sheets feels the same as a bonfire he now sits around with someone else
The sound of her inhale and exhale is his new song
I do not mind that he is happy though I wish I were still a part of it, some days it does not matter but on most it does
Trying to avoid feelings that are unavoidable
Is like believing you can live forever
Fooled myself into thinking he was my fountain of youth
But I have found myself drowning in a flood that provided no warning signs, no television broadcast
Water showings up without RSVP
I can hear your voice in the silence, feel your breath in the crevice of my neck on the way home
I can still see you, even with the lights out
I am afraid of what I will see when I turn them on

Seconds with those you love
are fragments of moments
you will always cherish
no matter the topic of discussion
no matter the setting
when you are with those that you love
it's all sweet

Every inch of my skin aches to be close to yours
Itching like an addict
Want to inject my veins with the light illuminating off your shoulders
My body is a blank canvas waiting for the ink in your fingertips to paint over me
Pin up my love with clothes pins
Display me on billboards on the side of the road
Love me like you think it is the only thing you're good at
Kiss me like you are suffocating and I am the only air supply within a one hundred mile radius
Hold me so tight that not even a typhoon could make me flinch
Let this love grow like a garden at the peak of spring
And there will be rainy days but they will only advance us with the sunlight that follows
And we can look up at the stars like we used to
A sky so bright that no even a thousand unsent love letters could block hide the stars from our view
Look at me and smile and I will do the same
Because this love has the potential to live in perfect harmony with the world around us
And still be so different that people could look and not know what to think, just stand in awe
I hope one day I can live in this love
With you

I am trying to find the words that help make a day sane
Words that undo the torturous mishaps in my past
Words that provide a light in the dark
A crescent moon and a broken wick
I sit waiting for a dictionary to open up to me
Patiently my mind gathers tools to reassemble my broken thoughts, trampled heart and willingness to easily forgive those who have guided me into the oblivion
Lately I feel like a funeral, like I've died and no one cared to bury me
Perhaps I have reached the other side but am stuck in the doorway, reaching for the TV remote just to drown out the uncomfortable silence
I am less than words, undulating down to cigarette ashes
I wonder if a book feels as lost as I do if it hasn’t been touched in a long time
I have been touched but I have not been felt; not been held
My mind often wanders and lately I don't bother catching it
Perhaps it will find the words I have been looking for for years

My favorite word is authentic
Real and happening, something still alluring with no edit
Like taking a picture of a sunset
Never having to add color or exposure
Because it is how it should be
Authentic like who love should be
Where you don’t have to pretend
Because just looking at them, everything is how it is
And you don’t want to change a thing
Love is real and happening if it is with the right person
My least favorite word is almost
Almost holds failed potential
It represents our ability to be not good enough
Almost is being on the brink of something so beautiful but falling short, this happens so much that we crafted a word for it
We were an almost, an idea misconstrued, a simple possibility that was never played out to the fullest
We could have been something - should have been something - but we weren't
And my god I want to hate you but I don’t and I don’t think I ever could
Because I somehow still think that you were my authentic

You are a forward notion of competition and utter desire of love
You have a smile that could stop a truck, eyes that out-blue the ocean
You are eager and dedicated to all that you do
You are kind, understanding, hopeful
You make me believe in myself
and give me the confidence I always hoped to someday acquire
You are an undermined base of love that is slowly being restored
You are the abandoned house in the lost most beautiful area
You did not even notice the vacancy
You are the match that lights my fire
You are a garden filled with venomous flowers
So beautiful and so dangerous
But I have always liked a little risk
and maybe that's why I will never give you up

You are the sound of church bells on Sunday morning
You are spilled sunlight and soft mouth
You are boy with a waterfall smile
You are masterpiece I hope to paint on day
You are the extra mile, the giver, the compassion
You are drugs cleverly disguised as a boy
You will be my first home, the song I listen for at sunrise, the first place that I will be content to dwell in

You and I
We are indifferent
We are dumbfounded by feelings
We are two people in the same room with nothing to talk about
Confounded by misunderstandings
Believing the lies while choking on the truth
We are two people who never wanted to face the concrete reality
Always wanting the other one to speak up first
You and I
Sitting in silence

You are the letters that I write all unsent, all kept inside my drawer yet I am wishing that one day you could read them without me having to let you
You are the stars I put in the backpack of my mind when I have full grasp of attention that I am approaching a long, cold journey
You are the name scribbled in the top corners of my notebook
You are the feeling I get after a long drive and I can stretch and reach out, far in hopes to touch you somewhere in the sky
You are the unzipping of a formal dress in an old hotel room
You are the place I would like to call home and never need a vacation from, a place better than anywhere else, a place of safety and passion, a place of rest for my weary soul
You are the puzzle I can never solve, the Rubik's cube stored away in a junk drawer, the books I never got around to finishing, the poems I left as drafts
You are the unwound clock that confuses visitors, they are not used to adding two hours and three minutes because I never bothered to change it
You are the amazing opening to a really bad movie
You are the reason some people put too much sugar in their coffee the morning after kissing you because you leave such a bitter taste in their mouth
You are the unraveling of a cigarette exhale that will end up killing you
You are the best thing that I decided I didn’t actually need
You are out of my mind, you are burned letters, running out of gas, you are getting lost on the interstate, you are nothing to me anymore and you were once everything
You are not who you used to me and neither am I and perhaps you should walk one way and I, the other

I have always loved going on walks
Sometimes in hopes to find something, sometimes in hopes of nothing at all
I find it easy to travel with no particular destination in mind
I simply just love to listen to the sounds of the woods
The trees seem to constantly be talking about him
And every now and then I will catch a glimpse of his laugh
When I stray from the marked path I may get a hint of his scent
Pinecones, pinches of lilac, and the smell of the rain
He tells me he is lost
That his body had fled from his mind
That he is scared if it will ever the return the way it left
A stranger to his own skeleton, I cannot imagine what it is like
But he is so foolish, I tell him
But you are not lost to me
Your eyes are the skin, your lips are air, your body is the ocean
You are always with me and in me and through me,
You are not lost, you are home
You are always home to me

You are the evident piece of love that everyone wants like the slice of cake with the most icing on it
You are the sweet candy that everyone craves and the one you wish most to get on Halloween
You are the favorite book, the best seller, the one with words that you have to look up because you are not easily deciphered
Your voice, so delicate yet firm, reverberates in my skull like a hymn in an empty church
You are the painting in my hallway that people have to ask about because, though it is beautiful, they feel the edging desire to know what it is
The truth is that I don’t know how to describe you
Words will never be enough
I could write until my hand cramps and refuses to move the pen in rhythmic swirls to form letters and still it would never be enough
You are more than I deserve

You are a bittersweet memory at best
A face in a photograph, a stranger with a story
Your ghost does not follow me around anymore
And speaking your name outloud is similar to saying a name of someone whom I've never met
It is foreign and forgotten, it's empty now
And of course I will remember the things we did
I will probably remember them forever but they will always be far away in my mind
You are not something I will lose myself over, talking about the things we did will not effect me
It may cause a slight smile and sigh, reminiscing on things that just aren't so spectacular as they used to be
You are a bittersweet memory at best
Which is the best thing you could be

Last night I discovered of how little you think of yourself
How you battle insecurity and feel like less of a human being
How you look in the mirror and do not see perfection
You count the calories you intake instead of the constellations in your eyes
You see an empty soul instead of the alluring prize
And what you don’t understand is I think
You are so beautiful, I wouldn't recognize you among the stars
You are so beautiful, that flowers must be jealous
You are so beautiful, the oceans are envious of the depth of blue in your eyes
You are so blind to not see your charm and grace
And it tears me apart because I look at you and see a diamond
Unscratched, untouched, perfect
Yet all you see is a pebble

You are so funny in the mornings
Something about your dazed conscience and sleepy nature
Each morning it is enough to make me weak all over again
Each morning I am reunited with the thought of "I love you"
You stumble over silly words, you smile shy and tuck your head underneath the covers, giggling, I can see your smile, I can see it clear
You are so funny in the mornings
You are so gentle in the evenings
Something about the end of the day as the sun retraces it's steps from the day before, we lay in silence
The sound of nothing but breath in and breath out
As the dust particles in the air settle over our still bodies
A car passes by but we do not turn to look, we do not move
Your hand traces up my shoulder and a warm feeling flows like a river through me
You are so gentle in the evenings
You are so simple at noon
Calm and amicable, something about the way you stare out of the car window
Like you are soaking up every tree, every cloud, every gust of wind and it hits your face
You sway to the music in the car, humming sweetly like the sound of a city at midnight
You close your eyes, lean back your head
You are so simple at noon
Every time of day, you are divine
You are the last breath before going underwater
You are the feeling of going for a long walk
You are the sweet smell of an empty room and fresh paint as sawdust blooms all around, building, climbing
You are a journal I hope to fill my days with until the space runs out
You are a poem I cannot seem to end
But until next time
Thank you for being so funny in the morning
Thank you for being so gentle in the evening
Thank you for being so simple at noon

Without question you are the worst thing that has ever happened to my poetry
I am tripping over syllables and breaking consonants
Knocking over languages I once kept locked away in safe quarters
Each time I try to speak these meticulously knit together units of expression my throat closes up like clenched fist and I feel myself choking on my words
You have changed my way of writing, using teeth and tongue to articulate words, my way of going about my day
I find myself skipping meals as if it will somehow make me feel less empty because lately things in my head are just not making much sense but I convince myself they are reasonable
They often never are
And I can tell you that I'm sorry
I can at least write my apologies bleeding out all over the page
Scribbling red letters onto this worn out notebook paper
I keep you trapped inside my head like a little kid traps a caterpillar in the palm of their hands
And maybe I was just holding you back from becoming something even more beautiful than you already are
I'm sorry for letting my selfish ambitions override your pleas to escape your grip
I have never been very good at telling someone that I love them but I love you
I want to memorize your laugh and store it in my mind, so I can bring it out and listen to it on a bad day
I want your hand prints to be imprinted on my body, the smell of your cologne on the shirt you like best on me
I want you to hold me like you hold your cigarettes
I would not mind sitting down and studying you for hours with my eyes and hands
I would not mind experiencing the foreign feel of your skin underneath my fingertips
I want to count every shade of color in your eyes and sew it into a dress
I want to pour all of your thoughts into a wine glass and sip it slowly, taking in each one
Becoming slowly intoxicated by your dreams, your fears of the dark, your plans for the future
You are a vision of evacuating a burning building but going back inside to gather the possessions you love too much to let burn
You are the ray of sunshine that greets a flower who had already said goodbye to its roots, giving it life again
You are the unopened bottle of whiskey that sits in my kitchen cabinet in case you ever want to stop by because I know it's your favorite
You are the map that keeps me from getting lose in places I have never adventured
You are the destination I've been looking for
You are the slow breathing I feel when I look at the moon
You are the morning coffee that wakes the cells in my brain
You are the only truth in my allusion
You are a lot of things but you are not mine
And in the midst of this hurricane I am still searching for pages on the ground
I want to keep writing about you
After even broken pencil, ripped sheet of paper, slammed fist to desk
There are very few things I know for sure
I know that every day is twenty four hours closer to you
I know that I have a special skill of feeling nothing when I should and feeling everything when I shouldn’t
I know that the only place I ever felt lost was in his arms
I know that you can't go back to yesterday's dawn by adding another verse to an old song
And I know that I can't speak for what I haven't bled over
But I have bled for love, for loss, the staggering feeling of loneliness
You came in like a winter wind and I breathed you in as if I was about to go underwater
You are the reason I always wear my seatbelt
You are the love songs I write when everyone else is asleep
You are the sound of rain on Sunday mornings
You give me hope for better days
You have taught me to believe in myself
You have made me want to love again
Without question you are the worst thing that has ever happened to my poetry
But in a way you are also the best thing that has ever happened to me

You do not tell someone that you love them
when you are not sure if you do
You do not tell someone that you love them when it is dark outside and all you really want is affection to share in
You do not tell someone you love them just because you know that it's what they want to hear
You do not tell someone you love them when you love someone else too

Your first love gets you raw, open, and naïve
Your first love sits with you until you head finds a home in the crevice between their neck and shoulder and you want to stay, more than anything, you want to stay
Your first love carries you to the car because your feet hurt
Your first love will dig up the secrets you kept buried, your first love wants to know it all
Your first love will listen you’re your favorite song in place of their
Your first love will levitate your well-being, make you float and flutter
Your first love will tell you that you won't fall
Your first love will introduce you to heartache, loneliness, what goodbye feels like
Your first love makes breaking an arm sound like a walk in the park
Your first love is the one that you convince yourself that you are over but you never really are
Your first love promises they won't forget you and you believe them until you see them kissing someone else