I never knew what poetry was until I met you

I think I'm starting to lose it
Whatever 'it' is
      Whatever I 'thought' I had...

Is it all really just a hallucination?
       Because I really don't want it to be just another illusion
And if it's an illusion
       Then this is the scariest best thing to have happened in a long time
Illusions of you in times...
          When I want time to just stop 'being' time
Because time passes, and sometimes it can be so very unkind,
       And I wish sometimes that I could rewind,
So that I can freeze frames of time.
But I can't, can I?
       And it's not because I haven't tried,
    It's because I've tried and I couldn't capture the warmth that you ignited like a fire when I was in your presence.

But by bottling all my emotions away,
     Until it seems like the skies could not get any more grey
          Because they look like they would overflow because it's filled      with so much tears and pain and strife and starving due to loss of hope and finally given up on life
   And everything inside of me just wants to stop functioning
          Just wither away like crumbled walls and grains of dust
            not in existence.

That's when I'm close to the breaking point
  Of no return.
That's when I lose myself.
   Because it all becomes a mashed up blur of visions...
And suddenly everything seems so calming'n'clear.
    And somehow....that's the only time that 'time'
Seems to be kind enough to me...and slows down.
S
   l
      o
          w
               l
                  y
Trapping me in a place where I'm connected to you
      Not through imaginations or tricks of the mind....
But in some other wonderful state of matter...
Because in that place, i feel at home...and for once 'I' actually
m   a  t  t   e  r

&I; don't know if I'm supposed to,
        be able to...feel things so much more than I should.
They say missing the ones you love is natural,
       But what is natural,
about something that...terrifies you and mesmerizes you at the same time?
Makes you glad to be alive and yet i still feel like dying? because i'm stuck here without You.

You.Human by flesh
You. So ridiculously annoying
You. So full of contagious laughter and positive vibes
You. The divergent. The one that words have not yet been able define.
You....the person who stumbled across Me
&Mad;; me feel
b e a u t i f u l.

You...the one who put the northern star to shame,
Because nothing burns brighter than the light
that refuses to stop flickering
In your eyes.
You...the one who says the words i can't seem to find.

But when missing you flips without a notice
      Zooming me down lanes of emotion extreme
            And I'm no longer me
I take on the form of frozen ice stiffness
       Numb in my limbs
           Struggling to hold back the waves in my eyes
                Because....
iKeep seeing you there but you don't seem to see me at all.
You'reLike a ghost from the past
        ButYou look more real to me than I've ever known
.a l i v e.

And I keep hearing your voice in strange places...
            Calling my name.
And i'm screaming out loud and the tears are streaming and pouring down!
But you still don't see me....
                and I'm standing right here, so why can't you see me?

Then i realise,
Peace no longer seems to resonate
Where it once did.
It has been drowned in the echoes that surround my very existence.

I see you. still.
I hear you. still.
                &I;'m trying so hard to reach out to you. still.
But you're not really here, anymore.
& that's when time stands.still.
The realization doesn't fit, right.still.
In my mind you're.....still.....here.
But....still.
I tell myself.
If you where there, you wouldn't let me feel so deathly chilled
So deathly cold.
So empty'n'shallow
So hollow that I can hear my own echoes.
Bounce of the walls suffocating me..still.

You wouldn't leave me lost. in this still-ness.
You wouldn't be looking for me as I am you.
You'd find me.

And I'm pulled out of my daze
& the haze lifts
Yet it...still...hurts
I'm so misreble without the blurry'hazey'dazey'maze
Because without you I'm so conflicted'n'confused
Without the nightmares...
Forcing me to stay alive, to survive, to find a way....
I'm forced to awaked to a cold flush of realities.

That...
1)You're just not here anymore.
2) I can only see you in figments of my imaginations.
3) You're a fragment of a past I can't seem to let go of.
4) You're Simply....
G
    o
        n
            e            
          ­       .

Thefloorisvibrating, mythoughtsarefading,
I see greyfogmisty,
like clouds of softpillows glistening,
But it'sshifting.

I want to reachout & touchyourhand
Keephoping that you'llmagicallyappear*
a curve starts forming across myfaceoftiredness...

Ifeel warmthinkingofher.
Thefog seemstobelifting and now there's arayof lightpiercing thegrey'grey'ness...

&Maybe....;
IfIclosemyeyesshe'llfeelcloser,
Maybe...if I block out the vibrations&thenoises;
I can picture a newvisionofher...insteadof envisioningamemory
Not of someangel who seems to glowfromheaven, but thewarmth
of hereyes as shesilentlygazed beyondthesilenceoftheunkown,
Thewayshe'dsay myname and makemefeelwhole.

Thefloorisvibrating, mythoughtsarefading
Isee greyfogmisty, like flufflywhitecloudsofsoftpillows..
but it's shifting.
and I'mthinking...
of you..
andthinking.

Having a fairylikeyou as mybestfriend...
is such a giantgianthippo of a blessing
andbeingyourbestfriend...
isthebestestbestthing...
­*ever.

“I don’t want to think of you like this,
but the nights are when my thoughts attack me the most.

I know you’re not okay
& it ⁢kills me that I can’t help you because you won’t let me.

It kills me that I have to watch you get worse
even though we’re miles apart.

When all I want to do is save you, but I can't.

It kills me that with every attempt I try,
&mak;; to help get through to you is blocked out,
Because I just can't be there physically...anymore,
To squeeze your hand and remind you I care,
To wipe your tears and silently speak through our comfortable stares.
To hug you tight, and ease your fears.

It kills me.*

It kills me because I know you try,
to barricade and hide,
the pain.

Through shutting me out and focusing on other things to lessen the blow at first ...only to make it worse later.

It kills me that no one we know would believe me if I tried to tell them what you don’t want them to know, because if you did, at least one person would check on you constantly for me.

It kills me that I can’t name one person I could count on to do that for me.

It kills me that I have to spill my heart out in these poems just to get my point across.

It kills me that I can feel all of your pain on top of mine since you’re my other half and we’ll always be inter-connected, entwined, like a braided rope...whether we like it or not.

It kills me to think of what you’d do the day you finally decide you can’t take it anymore and take drastic measures over something that had a solution.

It kills me that everybody would blame me, screaming
“why didn’t you try harder?!”  
While I collapse and crumble,
down to my knees,
sobbing.

Then some even dare to shoot their accusations in a different way,
their sickly sweet smiles curve at their lips as they mouth the words
'it wasn't really your fault'

My cries of apologizes become a silent distant mumble.
My mind numb.

They don't hear me anymore, I'm as lost as she is now gone.
They have failed to hear the cry of the shattered ones,
echo from within me....
“You don’t understand how much I tried. How much she *tried.”