Hi mate…ya, I’m in for
housebreaking and trespassing
and robbery, all in one, ya

Well, I, **** I broke into this mansion
and hey, I picked up lots of rare stuff
precious little things that’d fetch much money
later at the thieves’ market, ya
And I threw them into my handy bag
and then I found myself in the kitchen
and fixed myself a drink, ya
and the sofa was nice
so I sat down to have my drink, ya -
some rich man’s fancy wine or French luxury,
or whatever it was, ya

And it was comfy in the sofa
and the drink I had another
and it was so comfy I went to sleep, ya
and the next moment
the police were there
It wasn’t a dream, ya
It seemed the ****** owners had come in
while I was asleep
and they’d call the police, ya –
****! I’ve always had this habit
of sleeping on the job, ya!

And that's how
I **** got landed here, mate

Dad was dying, breathing his last -
would Mark be sad or glad?
Glad - why not? Since Dad’s
a multi-billionaire
and Mark’s the only child
and all things will go to Mark,
to no one else

Mark ’s happy the doctors
said it ’s anytime now
and he must make arrangements
so he asked his long-time,
indecisive sweetheart:
“Hey, Helen baby – my dad’s dying
and I’ll inherit everything
So you got to decide now -
come home with me?”
“Sure thing,” Helen said
as instant as noodles
And Mark and Helen got home -
and look, to make a long story short,
that’s how Helen became Mark's step-ma
And Mark’s sitting in the garden shed
still licking his wounds

so we are at the operating table
and we work slowly and deliberately
with the patient between us
and I say to you:
I'm a little nervous
And you say to me:
You? But you've got so much experience

And I say to you:
Yeah, but if i ***** up this one,
my insurance company has advised,
I'll be at the end of my quota of cases
for my malpractice insurance

And you don't say anything
just that, behind that mask,
you've got your mouth agape

I was watching TV
and the topic on the Geriatrics Show
was Life Support Systems -
you know, about how people are kept
on pipes and machines and tubes and liquid
and I hollered to my wife in the kitchen:
“Darling, if ever I become life-dependent
on liquids and machines, just get rid of ‘em
and free me…”

“Sure thing,” my faithful wife said
and she turned off the TV
and my cell phone and my laptop
and she emptied my bottles of wine and whisky
and then she turned to me and she said:
*“I just freed you.”

1)
at dinner
the kid asks Dad:
“Dad, do caterpillars
taste good to eat?”
“Be quiet,” says Dad
“I’ve told you many times
never talk crude”
“Yeah, Jason,” interjects
Dad’s darling little girl
“Never talk crude”

“Yeah, but I only asked cos
I just saw Dad eat
his salad
and the wriggling caterpillar;
and Dad even licked his lips
straight after”

Dad orders the kid
straight up to bed –
and not to come down
till morning


2)
Seconds later
Jason hollers
from upstairs:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

Dad screams:
“Shut up and sleep!”

A minute later
Jason hollers again:
“Dad, can you bring me
a glass of water?”

“One more word from you,”
screams Dad
“and I’ll come up there
and spank you!”


And swift comes Jason’s reply:
*“Dad, when you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass of water?”

dog bites man;
man bites back

dog turns round
faces the man
and dog barks:
"Do not bite -
it is not man nature;
besides, your canines
are not sharp
Now I will bite again
where it hurts most
so you'll never forget
dog nature"

dog bites man;
man runs
like a match-stick man

it grieves me
the major dictionaries
cannot agree
on the longest word
in the English Language

The Oxford English proposes:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Merriam­-Webster champions:
electroencephalographically
and others list: floccinaucinihilipilification -
but look, I am no counterrevolutionary
and I'm not attempting any deinstitutionalisation
but really the longest word in the English Language
(and let's settle this once and for all, amicably) is:
SMILE
Why?
because there's a mile between S and E...
You see? Easy!
Makes you wonder if
the editors of major dictionaries
are *visuallyintellectuallyfacialmuscularlychallenged

1)
There are three letters
which form strange company -
that's, let me announce them:
C, P and E
(audience claps; C, P and E bow)

2)
Which word
(this may sound a little twisted)
begins and ends with the same one letter of the three -
and yet, impossibly, has only one letter?
That's E - as in an envelope, see?
and it's only got one letter!
...ha,ha...he, he, he...
(audience laughs, E grins)

3)
And now, of these three -
C, P and E -
which holds most water?
(audience, please,  look puzzled)
Why, C - C has the most water, see?
...he, he, he...
(wave of tolerant laughter sweeps over the audience)


4)
And now for the finale
(audience shows signs of impatience;
C, P and E appear nonchalant):
What starts with the letter P
and ends with the letter E
and - wait for this -
has thousands of letters?
da, da, di, da, da, di, dum...hmmm?
well...the....POST OFFICE!
(the audience does not laugh
as most nowadays
don't know what a post office is -
just look at each potbelly;
C, P and E nevertheless take a bow)

-----------------------------------------
(audience heaves sigh of relief
as they leave)