It’s simple,
Easy.
Like taking off a bandaid,
Yeah right.

I wear your hoodie still.
The bulldawgs logo still in place perfectly on the grey colored scheme.
Keeping me safe.
My protection.

Crazy to think it’ll almost be three years.
Two years and 10 months to be exact.
Ever so often I wish it could’ve been different.

Even so you’re somehow still around.
Slightly haunting my thoughts and surroundings.
A faint whisper of my name echos in your voice.
The small sensation of your arms around me.

Every so often I do cry for you.
Yearning to hear your laugh and seeing your mischievous crooked grin.
You teasing me until we cried tears of laughter.

Some days I think you’re right next to me,
Pushing me forward and giving me a small nudge of
“It’s going to be okay scrub.”

Going down the roads we used to be on.
Memories of the great times and the bad ones.
Never a dull moment in those times.
Now only I can remember them.

You were truly the love of my life.
I couldn’t have been more grateful to have known you.
Thank you for loving me.

Happy Thanksgiving.
The day of giving thanks for all we have.
And I give thanks that I’m strong enough to do what I need too.

You won’t bring me down with your atrocious comments.
I won’t allow you to ruin me more than I already have.
I waved the white flag.
I surrendered.
It’s not enough.
I have to be punished for the choice I made for myself.
Tell me how can you play the game if only one is playing?

No more.
I’m taking a stand and I stand for myself.
We are going our ways and I’m fine with that.
I accept my choice, but there’s no need for me to hurt anymore.

I’m grateful,
I’m secure,
I’m safe.
I’m finally seen,
I’m finally heard,
I’m finally loved.
Creating this new life with him,
Making myself into what I was wanting,
Becoming MYSELF once more.
I don’t have to hide,
I don’t have to lie,
I can be me.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.

I drink because,
You’re still around.
The both of you.
The three of you now.
Endless cycles with one.
Another dead.
The third who’s righteous.
Corpse, betrayer, a finder.
This life.
Drink.

You ask me my feelings,
You fix your mistakes.
I am truly your Queen,
As you are my King.

Be a better person you were than you were the day before.

I hate you. You made me believe every lie you created.
You broke me. You like to remind me that I am broken.
Which I know.
But I think you fail to realize,
Is that I’d take all the harassment, all the assumptions, and all the lies;
Just to show you..

That I am sorry.
I’m sorry for thinking I’m good with enough.
I’m sorry for the lack of experience in bed.
I’m sorry for being broken and meeting you.

I shouldn’t have dragged you into it, but also
I didn’t deserve the lies and assumption thrown at me for a mistake I regretted.
I didn’t deserve to read the true thoughts you had of Marissa.

Even as I sit here and write.
Trying to bury my tears behind a screen and scream.
You’ll be okay though.

Because I got the jail out of free card.
I don’t have “multiple personalities..”
I’m just the ****. A *****. ****. ****. Leg-opener. Yada. Yada.

Just the same ****.

Sometimes I wish you saw what I did,
Someone hidden so far in the dark,
Desperately trying to free yourself from it.
I see you,
I feel it when I caress your skin,
Even then I don’t need too feel when I sense it.
You truly don’t understand the depth of your hold,
How clutching its become,
Yet I want you with everything I do.
Whether we are around or not,
Fighting or finally being able to be in love,
It has been you for a whole year now.
Once upon a time,
It was what I had wished for,
Now that wish is gone.
Laying in the bed you no longer lie in,
Feeling your fingers sliding down my back and up toward my neck,
The kisses shared nothing but fireworks; always.
I will miss you always,
As I do to those who’ve stole my heart,
But you;
You’ve taken my entirety,
My mind,
Body,
And soul.
</3:C.R.R.

I had miscalculated.
I was baited.
And my heart, annihilated.

I will never understand how you can break someone who loved you.
Just loved you when nobody else believed in you.
Changed myself for you, lost my morals for you.
Stopped caring about me and my trama to hold onto yours for you.

I wonder what you truly think about at night.
Do you wonder how much it cost you?
Was I ever really worth it?
Do you understand how much I’m hurting?

You shattered what was left of me.
Anything I had left to offer was taken almost three years ago and you broke what was left.
Someone you said you loved, and you showed angst towards me.

My heart yearns for you still.
Your scent is trapped in memory.
I wouldn’t come back, I couldn’t.
You broke me and took everything with you.

We were just talking,
I raised my voice slightly.
I heard screams,
I made you quiet out of concern.
We both hear it now,
All hell broke loose.
The fighting, the dogs, the police.
We were never meant to be,
Because all along it was the girl who helped save me too..

Honesty isn't hard to give,
I gave all of it,
Not wanting one moment to be ruined by me.
Yet here we stand,
Two different oppositions,
Two different types of trust,
No recollection of either.
One lost,
The other barely being found,
Our histories are different,
So why was it I.
Losing you kills me,
Even if you don't believe it,
But I also want you to be it.
Become the man I need,
I can wait,
I chose you to wait for.
Yet here I stand,
I am the liar,
I am the untrustworthy,
I was nothing.
A home to build,
A life with love from all sides,
But here we stand.
Apart.

Everything is now in place,
We are seeing anew,
And we continue on our paths,
Never looking back.

That Breath of air when swimming under the water too long,
That’s what life was.
Suffocating,
Undesirable,
A vast liquid of nothing.
That is till the burning in my lungs form,
Seizing at every attempt to breathe,
Struggling to find which way is up.
The frantic grasps of liquid,
Thighs and legs kicking rapidly,
As if all was lost the fresh breeze hits my hand.
I’ve made it,
All throughout the doubts,
Every tribulation has come to this.
Air.

It is for the best,
I’m not good.
I can’t trust, listen or love.

No matter what I must do this,
Because people don’t change.
Me included.

I’m truly alone.
No one to be my rock.
My shoulder to cry on.

Nothing but an endless stream of tears,
Constantly running down my face.
The people I need the most can’t be there.

One is busy with family things.
The other is hung up on their bestfriend.
I cried myself to sleep last night.

No one was there to hold me; no one there to wipe my tears.
Truly I am alone

•
I’ve blocked them out,
My counselor tells me it’s okay,
Let it out.
Yet I stay silent,
I shall let you fester whatever you make me out.
We pretended,
We lied,
We did this.
But it’s only me at fault,
And I’m the one on the couch,
Talking to a shrink.
•

People pleaser,
A condensed teaser.
Lost in leisure.
Because I’m the pleaser.

Reluctantly stubborn,
You come like a hurricane,
One small opening of purity and serenity.
We will never be compatible,
No longer will I be your friend,
So I sit in your shadows watching you grow.
One day you’ll see what I see,
Believe what I know,
We all see it.
You’ll perceive it how you will,
There isn't angst towards you,
Never will it ever be.

I wished you leave me alone.
Leave me be and let me wallow in the chaos we caused.
More lies you say as you twist my words.
I always want the last word though.
Stubbornness.
I have to win, but what am I winning?

I don’t understand why you keep coming back. You just won’t stay away, even when I leave you alone.
Using my poems to see where my heads at.
Knowing I won’t tell you.
And I never will.

I hate that you think we are going to be together when me and my friend know it won’t.
Thinking I’m here for pity.
Never needed it in the first place.

You can go and leave me alone.
I’ll be here, the same girl.
*****.
****.
Murderer.
Unloyal.
Hopeless.

Some days,
I hate you more than words can encrypt.
Some days,
I miss your arms wrapped around me.
Some days,
I cry to my heart’s content blurred by love and hate.

Even through these days,
I must remind myself you are no longer the person I’ve come to know.
A whole 360 of your life was flipped.

Knowing the person you are,
Hurts a lot.
You were suppose to be it.
The one to change my name.
All out the window.

If I’d know the whole truth,
I still feel like it could’ve been different.
Sadly though we don’t get those chances to see.
Not when enough is enough.
Losing the faith that you’d be different.
Gone.

We talk.
We pick on each other.
You make me smile.
I see your smile.

Everything flows well enough,
For the moment.
Your reassurance gives me hope,
My heart weakens by your grace.

I hope that it will be you,
That I can be with you.
After all the awful things,
My soul still belongs to you.

After all is said and done,
I still love you.

It’s that time of a breakup.
Where you start to feel regret,
You get sick, you can’t sleep and no amount of ***** and drugs can get you out of being stuck.

Stuck, lost, and afraid.
What if’s and what won’ts.
To take another leap or move on. Even after all that’s happened.
How is one suppose to forget that.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind tonight/morning, it’s currently 4:35am.
If we could turn back time, I’d put my foot down harder.
If we could turn back time, I’d never would’ve broke again.
If we could turn back time, I’d never have swiped right.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me.
Knowing that you can push my buttons with every lie you make, telling me things of my life that never even came to pass.
It’s okay though because I see it now.

Hate, anger, and depression all seeping back in one step at a time and truth is. It’s getting me through this stage of want and need for you.
To think I gave you so many chances, to fix yourself, to be truly consistent with your changes, and trying to listen to your thoughts even though it would lead to arguments.

I will never get the chance to tell you how wrong you were for me.

I will never get the chance to tell you how happy you did make me when we weren’t being dumb.

I will never get the chance to say that I love you with everything I still have. The worst part about all this..
I could never go back to you.


You made me hurt and you keep making me hurt.
You tell me you don’t want me to hate you yet you say the most rambunctious things about my one person.
Lots of talk about change yet, this would be out biggest obstacle and you couldn’t handle it.

I just hope the next girl who is in favor doesn’t feel what I feel. Doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Doesn’t make you think badly about yourself.
One who makes you feel so ******* important, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be her.

Goodbyes are always hard,
The remorse of not doing more,
The guilt of your fault,
The anger of betrayal,
And the sadness of all the memories.
Yet we still do nothing,
Till the next death comes around.

There’s a small voice screaming.
Begging.
Crying.

It sits on the floor,
Legs pressed to its chest
Screams.

Blood starts to run down its arms,
Never did I notice.
How could I miss such detail.

It’s dying.
Begging for its life.
Hoping for another chance.
But it never would.

The deed is done.

I lay awake next to you,
Watching you inhale and exhale your breath.
A simplistic rhythm one has in sleep,
Your face is so relaxed,
So innocent,
So kind.
And as I lay awake next to you,
I count down the seconds my eyes open up to you.

I am the problem,
It’s unfathomable.
The truth makes it’s way,
Just for it all to go down the drain.
It is for the lack of affection I give,
To mislead through the grief.
For I am the problem,
And you all,
Were perfect.

I stand alone in my mind. A spotlight shines down on me.
Portraying what I am really doing.
Staying.
Lost.

I have no thoughts just an endless echo of silence.
Fueled by hate, pain and sorrow.
Which to feel first?
It’s not like I smile anymore.

My smile was beautiful, it was simple.
Though it was so sincere, content and pure.
If only I could smile like that,
Would I be able to get out?  

The world keeps moving forward.
Just like the seasons, pushing towards winter, everyone around is moving.
I’m stuck. I can’t move my legs.
In cement locked in place with no one around to rescue me.

A soft glance so pure,
Full of adoration.
I question this look,
For it was lost and yet found once more.
In your orbs,
I see the turmoil you face,
Yet you seek comfort in my embrace.
Full of mystery you are,
And I find myself at peace.

Cycles
You complain,
You are given advice,
And yet still complaining.

Rather than leaving it be,
Changing for yourself.
You stay around them.
All of the toxic chemicals circles you.

And you let it.
So I must sit by and watch you crumble.
Giving you lying praise.
That’s what you want.

You shown no different.

One day I won’t have you in the back of my mind.
When I won’t wake up at 3:30-4 in the morning  hoping you’re awake.
Not having to cry when I think of all the things you said to me.
The lines you’ve crossed, never to torment me again.

I’ll be able to go and find someone who is truly worthy of me.
Someone to put as the blame wouldn’t cross their mind.
Being patient with me knowing how I am.
Someone to truly love me.
One day.

Boundaries are set.
Talks are shorter.
And I give certain people my attention.

The focus on me is surreal.
The want to be better.
Goals are finalized,
My spirit rises.

I won’t be stuck.
I watered the grass I walk on,
It’s only a matter of time till it turns green.

It’s those days when you wake without notice,
Sweat dripping down the side of your face.
Sitting up and looking around,
You’re heart is racing and pounding against the rib cage.
A hand on your shoulder,
A soft whisper from behind.
But your back is against the wall.

One name.
Seven letters.
Perfectly capable to say for any human being but,
That human being is you.

Im trying.
I truly am trying.
When we are doing so well and then I forget.
She’s still around.

They may or may not have been lies.
I can’t tell at this point,
Just struggling to make peace with it.

I don’t know how to be okay with the fact that you love her too.
Both romantically and pragmatic.
Im doing my best.

I swear it.

Succumbed to the weakness of you,
Tolerating what was then.
Personals never to brought upon,
Yet stuck to my skin like summer sweat.
One night,
One life,
One set to say goodbye.
Fake customers and heard in the deep,
I can’t run back no longer I could.
I played with the mental,
Still stood tall,
And I am still sticking to my memoir of you.
Life isn’t easy nor is it quaint.
I’ve loved both and one still stands.
To be in love is an act of weakness,
To let those who figure realize.
I’ve know what I did,
Nobody could compare to what was;
Least I know what I do.
Again starting back to what I knew

I always imaged what it would be like,
To love someone to such an extent.
Always there when you need them.

Sometimes I used to think it would flow like water,
A constant run through the rocks and moss.
Everything in place.

Being able to speak with ease, not lost in the tremendous amounts of questions.
Words coming out like silk,
Perfection.
No care to what they’d think, only understanding.

Usually though,
I think of how it would feel to wake up next to them.
The feeling of my head on their chest,
Arms wrapped so tightly to keep me safe.

These though are just the hopeless dreams of a small little girl.
Stuck in her world of amazement,
An illusion.
For now she is grown and knows, love doesn’t exist to those who became,
Lost.

At the end of the day,
You never really get what you want.

Happiness.
Serenity.
Peace.
All those qualities I deserve from someone other than myself.

Good memories.
Laughing all day and night.
Never time to think negative.
Every one of these actions I deserve from someone other than myself.

No longer will I feel worthless.
Despite where I’m at.
Hopefully this is my knight.
Fingers crossed this is right.

That feeling of sunken darkness,
Seeping through the light you held so long too,
Not even trying to defer it.
The demons held back have been greeted,
Now I a bottomless shell enlisted in their possession.
Confined and broken you still try,
Walking as though your not in molten lava,
Breathing enough for a satisfied cough to end the misery.
Crying as if you were the Nile,
Screaming like you’re being murdered,
And silence.

It was the moment you took my hand,
Sang me lullabies to sleep.
Combing your fingers through my hair,
Drifting into an endless dream.
When you slept and I watched you,
I couldn’t help but think this is true.

It was the first time you and I saw each other,
I knew I’d never let a soul touch you.
Glaring at those who tried,
Meeting those who had thought twice.

Of the many nights to have your hand in mine,
I wonder if you know you are mine.
I am yours though,
Bound to you by eternity.

That is where I shall find you again.

One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.