Grab my hand* he says
I know what you're going through
The cycles of firey independance
That you can make it, on your own
The wrenching despair
The flashing moment where you don't want to be here anymore
And it all seems so pointless
I know it
We don't have to be here anymore
Take my hand he says
I take his hand
And when the ensuing darkness falls around me
Like choatic endless falling stars
I do not run, I am relieved
My heartbeat is the last thing I hear before he leads me
Into the wild, overgrown garden of sleep.

The evidence of the crime is hardly ever as prominent as it is portrayed in your mind
When people don't know they should be looking, they will never know
Often it is not the facts that give you up
But the guilt
Your own deceit pushing you further toward the edge
But if you can keep the guilt under lock and key,
A well-planned story, just in case, is all you really need

Although they seem a glaring proclamation in red to me, they are in fact no more than simple scratches across my skin, organized in neat lines, nearly hidden by the way I hold my arm

Sometimes, I wonder at how much we don't see

I send my soul into the sky
Words trying to make noise in a void
It is vulnerability without the teeth-chattering life or death roulette

We are all the same when we get to this place
Dying hands searching for someone to hold on to

There are people here who care
They don't know your name
But they will send love and support your way
Words to pull you from your pain

It is strange that the people who you will never meet know you better than those you already know

It's the greatest feeling for someone's lonely voice to come across the void and tell you
You are not alone

I hope I can be here for you invisible strangers
The same as you have been for me
I hope you all know
That you are more than enough
I hope you all can hear my voice when I whisper
*thank you

The clear glass puddles ripple with morning light
The river rushes fast and dizzying under the bridge
And iridescent drops hover from the trees

Somehow, even the air tastes different
Though it is the same school yard air it always is
It tastes adventurous, mysterious
Tastes like a promise that today will be different

It tastes like a place I imagined once
The wind carrying the scent of the story before it starts,
and I remember that even fairy tale characters have history to learn

I stand under the rain and pull the hood from my face
letting it pound into my eyes until it blurs everything I see

The rain, reminding me once again of how to dream

I understand now that I desperately want
to be special

The desire crawls under my skin
to see myself as smarter than others, with better morals, with natural talent for everything I try
shivering it away, it sickens me as much as it soothes
my hollow, childish soul

In a flash, the thought has me petrified
I will die and nothing I can do will mean anything
It attacks and I know
I will never be enough because I am not
special

Maybe that's all the depression is
it slithers around me, slowly suffocating any hope to breathe
mesmerizing me with feelings of uniqueness
you are a sufferer it tells me
and I turn, a passive participant to its ritual

I want to be special
to be loved
and before you tell me that I am, that there's someone here who cares
I know
but I want to be loved by myself

I want what little I am to be enough for myself

The hardest thing I had to do tonight
was to turn away from the needle
and crawl into my soft, warm bed instead

If I asked any of you, all of you,
for help

What would you do?

I am back where I've been running from

A willow tree claws at the sky overhead
Its gnarled golden branches shedding delicate, black leaves
like the tears I have not, cannot cry

I watch a leaf spiral down in front of me
a mix of dread and euphoria climbing through my toes to the top of my head
the leaf dive bombs toward me
landing programmed-perfect on my wrist

A boy's voice comes from right behind my shoulder
Keep it
I startle, but he is holding onto me

He holds the leaf to my wrist
it is like
Needles, they draw the leaf's veins over top my own
Until all that is left is his brand on my raw skin

All yours now, sweetheart
His laugh a puncture wound to my heart

Something about the air between us changes though
He wraps his arms around me, and I didn't realize how empty I'd been before he had
You could stay he offers
Now in earnest, not messing with my head any longer

I taste your pain. It's only getting stronger he says
Let me help. I would make it easy for you.
My world is beautiful, nothing like the way your mortal eyes see it. he explains
It is music you can't describe, it is warmth, it is light. You will never need, never hurt for anything again here. I will pull you out of the darkness. I will heal your soul one final time. Just let me help you.

Death cups my chin and draws my eyes to his
And for once, there is no terror in falling to his abyss


bliss


I pull myself away
I can't I remind him gently
There is beauty in mortality too that I must see before I see your world. I know that I have love, a future to follow. Life comes at the cost of pain, but I have to accept that for all else it has to offer.
I'm sorry I cry for Death only, that I must turn him down

I close my eyes to shut out the pain
And suddenly he is gone
I am back in my bedroom
I realize then my escape
How lucky I am, that I must run faster...

But some part of me still begs to go back to him

I take my own needle
Trace the outline of his brand on my wrist
and for a moment, I feel his arms around me again

For a moment in life, Death lets me feel free

My mom told me one day that she was surprised I had a personality
I'd always been so serious as a little girl
Head stuck in my books, shy and quiet as a single rain cloud all by itself

But I figured it out
I embraced my silly side
My rolling on the ground, wearing random objects on my head side
It's not really intelligent humor and sometimes it disappoints me
that I'm not funny

But it's me
I figured out another part of me

Now that's an accomplishment

A little girl stopped me today
By that old wooden playground
the one where the planks are falling from their swings
and the green slide is all out of place

She grabs my hand
"Who am I?" she asks
Searching my face desperately for an answer
She has ringlet curls and holds a ***** tan teddy bear under her arm
Yes, who have you become
"We could play" the girl weasels, pulling on my arm
pointing toward the crumbling playground
I can only shake my head no

"Don't forget about me, okay?" she sighs
"I want to be a doctor when I grow up, I want a pet bunny and I want to
eat ice cream for breakfast on all of my birthdays"
Her eyes are starry with dreams, she runs beyond the playground to chase a comet

I stare at the boards on the ground, and I see not the plank of a pirate ship,
but a broken swing
I run behind the girl
Frantically trying to gather up all of the dreams she dropped in her hurry
They slip through my fingers and get harder to see

I find myself repeating the girl's advice to myself
"Don't forget about me"
*Don't forget about me