When you leave, don't look back at me,
please!...

When we have our last kiss, don't tell me this,


When you say goodbye, don't be shy,


When you walk away, i won't beg you to stay,
not this time...

When you tell me you never loved me, don't look at me,


When you find The One,  love her right and don't run,
she doesn't need you to do what you did to me...

When you go, please walk away slow,
**let what we had linger a little longer...

Remembering the songs
I hummed as a small child
Remembering the innocence
Of my mind as a small child
Remembering the joy
Imbedded into my heart as a small child
Remembering the love
I believed in as a small child
Remembering the stories
That took me away as a small child
Remembering everything
That I was as a small child
Reminds me of everything
That I'm not as a young woman.

Angry tears stream down
My face as I fight to control
My demons, my thoughts,
And my body.
Because all I want to do
Is just slam a fist into the wall
And curse the world.
But I can't do that.
I mustn't make things worse.

I can do this
I think to myself

I can go through life without really living

This week I read the signs sent off by someone else
And opened her up to talk to me
She told me of
A house she'd thought was haunted by ghosts, but may just have been haunted by the child she never got to be
Of how she'd stay up through nights to put her siblings to bed, of the infestations of bugs that made her afraid to sleep, of the dark, huge basement filled with feral cats that her mom sent her down into all alone

I was there for her
I can do that
I can go through life as a listener, a sponge for other people's pain

It's a half-life but it's a half-life with a purpose
Even if I can't feel, can't breathe, choking,
death's girl walking
There will be meaning to it all that will force me to stand
To show up to my own life every day
Because you can't run away when other people need you to absolve their pain

I can do this
I tell myself

It's no way to live but at least
It's something to live for

My whole life I've been losing at this game
The who-can-eat-less sugar game
Where the halves of the cookie are always slightly uneven
And whoever ends up with the bigger half- always me
Would taste their cookie with a tinge of guilt and shame

Except now with the depression
I find myself forgetting to eat
And for once in my life I'm the one winning
But the cookie doesn't taste very sweet

It tastes like ashes and fear
The fear of the cheater waiting to get caught

*And I can't afford to be caught in the midst of depression...