Be it white tile, hard wood or polyester mat
I can't help but stare at it a second too long
It's calling me
I just want to collapse into the floor
To sink down as low as I possibly can go
And to let my limbs go, to not have to get up
Would you see then that it's all a pretense?

The floor is to death as depression is to life

How am I supposed to keep doing this?

Everyday, forcing myself to breathe instead of cry
Pushing away sleep's soft kiss of unconsciousness
Deciding to be good, be there, take care of other people
Smiling, always, always smiling
Even when it's so tremulous it might just flutter itself to pieces
Fighting to keep it on my face, where it belongs

Please, I wasn't meant for this
None of us were
Our backs ache
Our showers are full of bottles of recipes that somebody made
That go down the drain
And will **** a river someday
There are stars, and minds, and an infinity of nothingness
That extends out to both sides of our timeline
I wasn't supposed to think about that
I broke the mechanics
And I'm not sure how or how to want to fix it

How am I supposed to keep doing this?

I keep my eyes dancing towards the future, I take one step, then another,
I will fight dragons in my mind
We may not have it yet, but we will find a how to fix it guide
I can do this
We can do this

I have to believe because otherwise I will die

"Stop fighting"
He says, a hint of annoyance in his voice

I don't listen
I punch desperately at his shadow
Try to choke him and find my hands at my own throat
Claw for air, space, to be away from him

And all the sudden, he's there
With a roll of his eyes
Crossed the room in one, two steps
And he's there

He pins my wrists tight to my chest
I shut my eyes as quickly as I can
I can't... I won't...

"I said stop fighting"
He insists
"You're only hurting yourself"

He's right of course
My head throbs, my smile fades
He's always right in the end

"Look at me"
He commands
I squeeze my eyes tighter, shaking my head slightly
I can't... I won't...

I do

The shock of his cold, black eyes rushes through me
I cry uncontrollably, but all of my tears freeze

"You brought me here"
He reminds me
His voice a howling rush of wind
As I'm pushed further into the vacuum of his eyes

I want to tell him
I was too young to know what I asked for
But he knows that's a lie
I want to beg
Please let me go
Take me or leave me, just let me go

I tremble further against the wall
But it's like it's no longer there
And all that's left to do is fall, and fall, and fall...

He looks away
I gasp, trying to remember how to breathe

A faint smile ghosts across his lips
"Stop fighting"
He warns
And leaves me sinking into the floor

I grab my wrists, desperately trying to find a pulse
His words echo in my ringing ears
Stop fighting, accept

I shiver uncontrollably
Wrap myself in blankets and cuddle up to the radiator
But I cannot chase from my soul
The cold of his eyes

I know what it's like to meet Death
*I know what it means to die

Never see her off-balance
Golden curls, like a princess
100 on her tests
Can fill a room with a smile
But where's her makeup?
You could have gotten a 108
You should get you hair cut short, conform
It's a miracle she stays together, nothing's stable inside

Oh yes, don't forget she only stands at 4' 10

Me trying to reach what they say is perfect
Was doomed from the start

From the start, I had to accept myself
Or else

I think I'm one of the lucky ones

the gold flecks in her eyes
are so much like fire,

he doesn't remember what it felt like
to have my icy fingers on his spine.

the gold flecks in her eyes
burn so ******* bright,

he is forever blinded
to all displays of my affection.

my ice, my burning charcoal eyes,
my dark, dark, dark.

i needed his light,
i needed his warmth to melt my walls.

but he needed another fire,
to burn like hell,

and feel like heaven.
what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

and what he doesn't see is not there.

Know that you are doing the best you can right now*
His voice is closest to me of all

And with those words, my body shudders a tear
and the downpour is drawn from my eyes
for the first time free of the chains I strain to hold in place

Let go of your fears
He says, and later

*We're here

She said schools today teach kids to
fear the wrong answer
I don't know if that's true
but somewhere along the way
I picked up the trend
and now I can't make decisions for myself
not even the simple ones
like what do you want to eat
Because it's always got to be right by everyone else first
isn't that right?
and I can't even tell people
guess what?
my mind is eating itself
alive
Because what if I'm wrong?
What if they think I'm just some stupid little girl? Some cry baby? Who will never ever overcome just because of where she's from?  

*I know where I learned that from